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Drifting through my dreams I see my bed occupied by two and even in my sleep I feel the jealousy rise, that knot in the pit of my stomach, seeing M with another woman who invites me into my own bed. Every detail of the moment is clear and consuming.
I have had dreams that he was with another woman before but I was never present. And I was always really pissed when I woke up. I guess I know it will be a reality at some point. In a really odd way, it’s starting to feel like something ...

Fuck consent.

Yes, that’s right. FUCK consent. Fuck it in the ear. All of you who think ‘consent’ is the difference between d/s and abuse are wrong. People consent to being abused all the time. Just get anyone that works in a shelter a bit tipsy and ask them about the ones that keep going back or read “Prone to Violence” (written by someone who started a women’s shelter in England). Secondly, just because someone doesn’t consent doesn’t make it abusive either. We do things to each ...

I try not to make it a constant struggle. I Want to submit, so I don’t think He should have to fight for it…yesterday morning I was a brat. I am supposed to ask for permission to wear underwear. Not a problem. Nice little reminder that I am His and I rather like it. Yea, I was feeling unnoticed and neglected so I didn’t ask just to see if He noticed. Naturally, with my infinite patience, I couldn’t wait until he noticed, and pointed it out. I got in trouble of course, but my being an ass actually ...

I hesitated before writing this. The thought won that you have the right to know why I left. It is not easy to tell, but I do.

I spoke sincerely about my being religious. I am a churchgoer. I knew I was a sinner. But I was weak.

Something happened when a Mistress with whom I played online started to call herself Goddess.

I believe in God. In one and only God. I don't believe in gods and goddesses. I wasn't willing to call her Goddess or give any religious ...

Oh my! Well! i have just had the most incredible conversation with my Beloved Master Myrddin. He once again has succeeded in blowing my mind completely and enabled me to fall in love with Him that little bit more! He has this effect on me that noone else has in my life. His very being, every fibre of who He is inspires my spirit to be all i can be and more. How does a girl express the depth of heart that One man can bring her just by calling her His 'cariad bach'. my heart is so full right now, ...

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Sometimes I wonder if I am quite as stable as I like to think lol. I think I have evened out a lot over the years, but I still have this annoying ability to go from being on cloud nine, to feeling like I'm crawling out of the pits.
M got home last night and had to go do stuff for someone today. I was rather bitter about it which brought our moving into question. As it would be set up now, the whole thing intricately involves other people. I hate having our lives/livelihood wrapped up around ...

Talked to M this morning and we really will be moving this year. I'm really excited, but I'm also kinda freaking out. We have lived in our house for ten years and I have never lived more than 50 miles away from here. While I have had some bad things happen to me that I wouldn't wish on anyone, I guess I have still lived a really sheltered life. A move to another state is a huge change for us. I dunno, guess it feels kind of like edge play in that it is a bit scary, but incredibly appealing. I think ...

After an incredibly intense night, I began my two days at home without M. Naturally, given my tendency to worry, doubt, and overanalyze just about everything, I started analyzing our night together. I logged in, started a thread, and browsed the forums. I ran across a thread started by a sub who wanted to know if she should tell her exclusive Master that she had sex with someone else. At first, I was awed that someone could even consider Not telling their Master. Then I realized, that many of her ...

I have been thinking a lot today (not always a good thing) and I just have to let these thoughts flow out of my mind so I can inspect them I guess.
I used to spend a lot of time being who other people wanted me to be. Then one day I realized that I no longer liked who I was. This was shortly after M came into my life. I was 15 and looking back, I was a mess already. I lived with this certainty that I was already ruined. I knew the things that had happened to me had made me so unclean, I would ...