My turn
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Originally Posted by
Playfulsub
I remember the day he had brought the girl home almost a year ago. It wasn't his first, but she seemed more innocent than the others. She had walked tentatively into the kitchen, her eyes widening at the sight of the lamb roast on the cook stove. A bit scrawny, she was a beautiful girl with wide gray eyes and mouse-colored hair. Her cheeks had been pink from the cold drive home.
Okay - a bit scrawny is not beautiful This needs modification. My first thought is skin and bones and then you take her to beautiful. "Though scrawny, she was a beautiful girl..."
I have no clue what mouse colored hair is. I have had mice. Most had white hair. Some were black and some were gray. Wild mice have varying color. The first thought I had was a white lab mouse. You use terms like this and you will get a myriad of people wondering if she were albino.
Her cheeks "were" pink works better.
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“Just in time for supper, milord.”
“Excellent, what timing.” He had lifted the cape from the girl's shoulders and tossed it onto the pantry bench. “May, this is Sarah. She will be in my employ as a housemaid. You are to supervise her and show her what her duties will be. Please make her feel welcome. Start her out with some supper, won't you? I'll take mine in the study.”
I had taken the girl by the hand, directing her to the staff table in the kitchen. She ate quickly, hunched over her plate, guarding it. All the girls from the orphanage were that way at first. She'd been fighting for food her entire life, and it would take some time for her to learn that wouldn't happen to her here. But other things would happen to her here. And young Sarah was about to learn what those other things would be.
Okay, my bitch here is relatively minor but you leave the reader to assume she is from the orphanage. Fine. However, assumption is not what some readers like. I would suggest saying "Like all the other girls..."
Get rid of the "but", it will offer more. get rid of the "and" to start your sentence. It was a failure of mine early on and it got me plenty dinged by some readers. Also, it is poor form and not necessary.
Also, getting rid of "but" and "and" will offer a more ominous and appealing circumstance.
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She was the fourth (or was it the fifth?) chamber slave Lord Benson had taken since I'd come to work for him. It was accidental that I came to learn of his nefarious leanings, but once I knew, I was blackmailed into helping with the girls' 'training.' The day I discovered the first girl is a memory seared into my mind forever.
There is a better way to phrase this. "Accidental" in this sentence sounds sophomoric, at best. I would suggest using a phrase more like "It was pure chance that I came to learn..."
Also, "The day I discovered" is not necessary. It also takes away from the instant - the moment it happened. After all, I would think the rest of the day would hardly stand out to her. Bring it to a more "now", even if it is in the past. You want your reader to believe this girl can live it - right now - right away - as if it had just happened.
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I was tending to my usual housekeeping duties in the upstairs of the great house. My weekly waxing and polishing of the upstairs hall floor takes me directly past the heavy wooden door to milord's secret chamber. While I am charged with keeping up his sleeping chambers, this was a separate chamber, one off limits to every staff member. Nobody, as far as I knew, had ever seen it. We all assumed it was his study, and that he did important work in there.
I would suggest "had been" for this moment, though thats a personal preference.
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This particular day, on hands and knees outside the door, I heard a muffled cry from the chamber. I stopped polishing for a moment and listened. There it was again! It was a distinctive sound – one of a girl's voice in distress. Who could it be? There were no other female staff employed in the house since the housemaid Yvonne left for her new assignment several months ago. Worried that someone may have broken into milord's secret room, I rose hurriedly to open the door and find out the nature of the intrusion. To this day, I regret my decision.
That all works well for me. Since I am the one who matters I don't expect any complaints. Shaddup, Lews.
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I stood at the doorway, just inside the door. My hand was still on the brass handle, gripping so tightly that I felt the palm of my hand being pinched. Bound to a wooden contraption reminiscent of some medieval torture device, was Yvonne the housemaid! Leather straps held her arms above her head. Another one was bound tightly around her mouth, accounting for the muffled sound of her cries. Her legs were pulled wide apart and a large metal road held her legs this way, each ankle tied to the rod with the same leather straps. Some type of metal clip was attached to each nipple, and Lord Benson was yanking on these as he rammed his member into her poor arse!
"I stood" should be "Standing" so as to bring this away from the passive and make it more alive.
The "Palm of my hand being pinched" is sort of weak. Try to grip it so tightly it felt as if the handle might pierce through her hand or something similar. Being pinched - well, it's a weak sort of ouch. Give me something that will give me more of her moment.
So, the girl's arms were held by a leather strap and another one was over her mouth. Another one - what, arm? You need to tell me another what.
"Her legs were" is weak. Give be a "had been". Yeah, it's nit picky, but thats why you pay me. By the way, "the check is in the mail" won't do this time!
Okay, you spelled "rod" wrong. You probably know that.
Finally, "a metal clip was attached". Whooptee do! Give me something painful. That is so weak as to not even be worth bothering with. Tell me about those clips. Were they hanging from her angering nipples? Were they pinching into her skin, painfully threatening to pierce the tender flesh? Give me something really brutal. This is burned into her brain. Come on and burn it into mine!
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“My God!” I was unable to prevent my outcry of horror.
Yvonne looked to me with eyes wide and her cries became louder. Lord Benson turned to look at me, but didn't stop his relentless pounding of the poor girls hole. After another moment or two, he grunted loudly, convulsed, and then fell on top of her. Turning his head toward me, he ordered me to come in and close the door. He finally lifted his sweaty body from the girl's, and pulled on his trousers.
Tell me what he said. Did he order her or demand? The words have different strength. Also, the final sentence sucks. Give me something more than him putting on his trousers. What was his face like - his demeanor? Tell me. Give me something to burn into my own head.
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“I must say, it's quite inconvenient that you found us, May.”
Come on! Give me something about this man. Tell me how his voice sounded. Certainly, he sounds overly calm. Tell me how she felt about his overly calm demeanor. Give me more life here.
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I stuttered, trying to say something in response, but nothing would come out.
“Well, I'm afraid you'll just have to be a part of my little hobby now.”
“Never!” I hissed through my teeth at his suggestion that I take part in his sickness.
Great, she hisses but he doesn't do anything. I am completely emotionless here. feed me, Seymour!
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“Really, May? What do you plan to do then? Tell the authorities? Do you really think an ex-convict house cook will be taken seriously? Above a land baron?” His cruel laugh cut through me. “No, you'll be a part of this just as I say. I'm quite sure you don't want to end up back in the women's prison. Am I right?”
I stared at him, my mouth hanging. He was deadly serious. It would take a single word from him to have me sent back to the penitentiary. I was trapped and he knew it. I had no choice but to comply. I was horrified, but I could never go back to that prison! Don't you see that? I could never go back.
They don't send ex-convicts back to prison without some sort of threat. Maybe she was paroled into his care?
"Don't you see that?" stands out terribly. Get rid of it.
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I spent the next years convincing myself that I was doing what I could to make the girls lives a little bit easier. He did release them after a year. And so far, all of the girls went on to other households where they were well fed, cared for, and never had to worry about having to sleep on the streets. In exchange, they provided the master of the manor with services that satisfied his most unusual desires. Now, it was Sarah's turn.
Get rid of "and".
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As if on cue, she came skipping into the kitchen, her cheeks bright.
“May, guess what? Lord Benson told me he has a gift for me! Oh, I wonder what it could be? He's such a kind man, isn't he?”
I watched her dance through the kitchen, knowing that tonight I would be helping to move last year's girl to the brothel in town. And tomorrow, the staff would hug Sarah goodbye and wish her well on her new adventure, having been told she was offered a new job with a family in a neighboring village. Tomorrow night, I would be serving Sarah supper in her new chamber, where she would stay for a year. She would likely be restrained to Lord Benson's bed for the first week, allowed release only to bathe and relieve herself.
give me something terrible here. "only to bathe and relieve herself, before being led back to suffer more torments". Just give me something. Make it more horrible.
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She would spend the next year as a slave, existing solely for the pleasure of Lord Benson. He would use her in any way he desired, without regard to her feelings. She would be bound, whipped, fucked, forced to serve numerous men, denied any contact with the outside world, and at the end of a year, she would be given to one of his friends. And she would like it.
Okay - I got the picture of her liking it and how she would have been brainwashed. But give me a better description. Give me the notion that she would have sunk to liking it - been trained to like it because it was all she knew. I need more here.
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“Yes. A kind man. He certainly is a kind man.”
Good ending.
Okay, I bitched you silly. It's my way of making up for not being around for a bit. I would apologize but I am a bastard - not nice like everyone else.
Now for the encouraging news. It was pretty well done. A few changes in wording and some more descriptions and you have a solid little piece. I would review this pretty damned well in the story reviews section of the site. As it stands, I am only paid to be mean. Now, where the hell is my money?
