Certain people bring out my submissive side

and it is horribly confusing.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now. I love him dearly, and couldn't imagine leaving him. But, we have issues regarding my kink. He was only a couple handful of encounters from virginity when I met him (not to say he was innocent, but I had been around more than he had) and some of my interests were entirely foreign to him. He has been a sweet heart about it, especially at the beginning. He would try things, and enjoys sex that would seem kinky to anyone who is purely vanilla. But his efforts tend to end there. I've tried everything and he just doesn't take the initiative to learn more, and as a sub, I just can't order him to do it, and telling him exactly how to do a scene ruins all excitement for me. (plus I haven't had much real life experience, so there is another barrier).

Anyways. After 3 some years, a lot of my BDSM interests have gone dormant (along with a great part of my libido). Until I came to france for a semester abroad. I've been here for 2 months, and it's like I am 18 again, with all of the fantasies and needs that have gone with.

I don't know what is cause here, and what is effect.

But I made a friend very shortly after coming here who is bi (he calls it gay, but he likes chicks a bit). And very early on he knew what was up. And he is very much... comfortable with himself and sexuality.. and just about everything. Thus he treated the fact that I am bi, and a sub, as casually as the fact that I am 22 and a woman, and a college student. And... I feel so alive, and so comfortable.

I find myself doing things for him as if he was a Top or a Dom. He doesn't do anything to ask for it. He teases me on occasion ('go do such n such' but i dont want to. 'yea but you're a sub, so you'll do it anyways'). Nothing that would count as cheating, but like a good 'sub' I'm always happy to fetch him a glass of water, or hold a bag for him or whatever it looks like he needs.

And I am SO confused. That kind of thing has never happened with my bf. I desperately want to be a sub for my bf, but he lacks interest, and his... i don't know, his attitude? his demeanor? his essence? it doesn't make me want to serve like my friend (of 2 months!) makes me want to serve. And the friend is no more interested in DS than my bf. So it's not as if hanging out with an experienced Dominant is affecting my attitudes and behavior.

Do other subs find this happens.. some guys bring out that behavior, and some don't?

And I have no idea what to do about it. Obviously I shouldn't and can't do much for another 2 months, it wouldn't be fair to him or me. but I am terrified to go home to him. I'm more open and outgoing than I've ever been, and my need for a change in lifestyle increases all the time.

Sigh.

I guess more than anything I would just love to hear some comments, some camaraderie, and suggestions if anyone has any.

Sorry for the long post!

His pony

After 3.5 years with the same man, when you're 22 and being with him has caused an important part of you (your kinkiness AND your libido!) to become "dormant", I think you might find the answer within yourself. Sorry.

I agree with rachel06.

well that's not quite what I was looking for....

If it was that simple, I would break it off, and enjoy my time in france. Do some wonderful new things... enjoy myself.

But my bf is more than that. I do love him. And perhaps 'dormant' isn't exactly the right term. I still enjoyed kink, and it certainly didn't help that I've been busy. Some of my lack of interest was certainly my fault.

I just find it utterly confusing that my interest came to life so vividly, not just in general (in which case it wouldn't bother me- I have been celibate for the last couple months) but targeted as it hasn't really been before. With no real instigation on the target's part.

I can't really explain the true crux of the matter, as my words fail me. I just rest ridiculously confused. And eager. I've actually been wondering about ways of accommodating these issues. But nothing quite cuts it. I keep wondering if he'll put forth a bit more interest if I just pushed the issue more. Or if I could "settle" for a female dom, if it meant i could have some D/s and keep him (he's willing to share me with a woman, but I've always equated dom with male) And even if that worked, would it be enough? I don't know. And I don't like not knowing.

-sigh- If i could just stay in France and not have to face this problem ever... ha... life would be good

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Originally Posted by sillypony

-sigh- If i could just stay in France and not have to face this problem ever... ha... life would be good

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To me sillypony, this seems to say it all *soft smile* Perhaps when i was 22 i would have been as confused as you are, but after living almost twice as long as that *no old woman jokes either!!..LOL*, there is only one piece of advice that i can give you dear.

Life is WAY too short to be in a situation that does not meet your needs! i wonder if your confusion has to do with your *love* for your bf, or your body and mind telling you that your bf just doesn't seem to be doing it for either any more and this is causing that lovely emotion 'guilt' to come to fore. Perhaps for the rest of your time in France, you should reevaluate your relationship with your bf and what needs you have that are not being met. Then when you get back to him, you should discuss these with him. If you can come to a compromise that both of you are comfortable with, GREAT! If you can't, perhaps it's time to change things *shrugs* And at the risk of getting blasted for this, you have been with your bf since you were 18 years old. Perhaps there is safety and security in the relationship because you don't know anything else??? It's ok to grow and change, *smiles*, just remember that while you're growing and changing, the people and things around you are doing the same. What was perfect for you at 18 may not be so at 22. Best wishes to you and i sincerely hope that you find the answers you are looking for!

tyd

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Originally Posted by sillypony

I just find it utterly confusing that my interest came to life so vividly, not just in general (in which case it wouldn't bother me- I have been celibate for the last couple months) but targeted as it hasn't really been before. With no real instigation on the target's part. I can't really explain the true crux of the matter, as my words fail me. I just rest ridiculously confused. And eager. I've actually been wondering about ways of accommodating these issues. But nothing quite cuts it.

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that i understand--completely. As i do your first post. I won't go into 'advice' on how you could or should proceed, i honestly can't help there. Maybe it's true, what tyd says in the sense that you've found a comfort zone and you're not entirely sure if you want to leave it; either way your submissive side is not another person, it's a part of you---what i do is try to keep it under control. Remind myself that it's in _my_ head and the other person isn't really dominating me, i just think he is, lol.
Confused and eager, my [short] life story. Good luck with however you pursue this. Sorry for not being much help, though. *smiles*

Yep... If he's just not a natural dominant type and isn't really interested in the kinkier side per se, you're unlikely to see much change...

and it's wrong (vanilla or otherwise) to want to change him from the guy you fall in love with to a guy you think you'd like him to be instead. How many relationships fail because the one thinks the partner has potential... could be changed?

If you want to stick with him, I suggest discussing a polyamorous relationship.

Opening Up by tristan Taomino is an excellent look at the many different ways to approach it. But if you want your cake and want to eat it too... it's not a bad way to go.

I think you will find most of the "my bf isn't dom enough" threads come to the conclusion if they don't come by it naturally, you aren't going to be satisfied. That's why the prior comments along that vein came so quickly...

Regardless, I hope you find your answers and

:wel to the forum

I hope so to. i talk to him -again- about at least reading up a bit. I think he will this time. And i'm going to join the local kink society when i get home, one way or another.

I love him without his dominant side, else this wouldn't be so frustrating. I've already hinted that he has to either fill the role, or let someone else... so, just keep working through it i suppose.

I still find it curious that my submissive side resurfaced so strongly, and so targeted-ly all of a sudden. Maybe because he pretty well recognized it with out much explanation, and is so accepting of everything gender/sex related, from all viewpoints. thus i'm more comfy. idk. Anyone else find something like that?

Your submissiveness might be coming out so strongly because you've found someone who doesn't seem judgmental about it. Not that your boyfriend necessarily is judgmental, but if he doesn't share your interest that can have a stifling effect. Especially, I will say, for someone who's submissive, because if part of your pleasure is pleasing someone else, then if this doesn't please him, you're not really invited to feel that way, are you? Just in your head, of course, but finding someone more amenable might be a big relief.

Yep. I'm a switch, myself. Some people make me feel like running and fetching things for them, and some people make me feel like smacking them on the ass. I'm not always sure what it is about a person that makes me feel that way. It doesn't necessarily mean that I like that person more than I like someone who only attracts me in a vanilla way, but I have decided after a lot of soul-searching that I'm only going to do BDSM with people who really attract me either as a sub or a dom. Life is too short to fake interest in something that isn't working for me.

I would emphatically second Oz's advice to think about polyamory. Especially since you're bi, poly is a great way to explore different areas of sexual interest while still sharing a special bond with your partner. Since he hasn't had a chance to explore a lot of his sexuality, it might be good for him to explore, too.

If you have any questions about what that could mean for your relationship, feel free to ask me about anything. It's all about being informed and making the choice that's right for you. :)

Looking at what you are going through, I am reminded of my 5 and a half year failed relationship. I was with a guy because I loved him, and I thought that if I loved him enough, the fact that I only had about 4 orgasms in the 5 years I was with him wouldn't matter. It wasn't until I met my Master and girlfriend that I realized that having less than 1 orgasm a year in a long term relationship is a bad thing. Sex, while it shouldn't be the driving force in a long term relationship, is an important part of long term compatibility. If he isn't going to be able to satisfy why seems to be a big part of your personality (otherwise you wouldn't be having a problem with it) then I'm sorry, but you may have to look elsewhere or someone who can.

I have an interesting perspective on this. I dated a man for 5 years that was a sadist in the bedroom, but I was the one totally in control regarding "normal life". However, I didn't enjoy being in control in the slightest. I actually talked about it with him several times, and we "try" being more 24/7, but I couldn't do it. I think I finally realized that he didn't have the strength of character or personality to pull off being "Domly" outside the bedroom, and that frankly, I found him far too immature to respect enough to submit totally to him. However, recently I have found a Master that I want to have a more 24/7 relationship with, and submitting has been easy and natural. I think it is definitely dependent on the other person- certain people are just not suited to be a Master full-time.

There isn't a solution to your difficulty, sp, unless some things change. The problem is that you hope your boyfriend will change (his attitude, then his behaviour), or you want to change yourself so that you suppress what you are yearning for. I can only tell you from experience that it's not fair to seek to change another person to suit your own happiness. They either make you happy the way they are, or they don't. If you are unfulfilled with him, there may be others in the world who suit him better than you do. It may be kinder to him to let him go.
And as for suppressing your yearnings? You can try but it doesn't work for long. Much better to face them and face the truth about your circumstances.
I wish you luck, good judgement and courage. x x

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Originally Posted by Hime

Yep. I'm a switch, myself. Some people make me feel like running and fetching things for them, and some people make me feel like smacking them on the ass. I'm not always sure what it is about a person that makes me feel that way. It doesn't necessarily mean that I like that person more than I like someone who only attracts me in a vanilla way

I would emphatically second Oz's advice to think about polyamory.

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I have the same experience that some people pull at one side, and other people at the other side. Gender is unimportant. With the people who generate this 'pull' in me bdsm is effortless in many ways.

I would also like to tell you that I had the same problem a number of years ago. I awoke to some strong bdsm urges during a relationship, and my partner did try to experiment a bit, but could not find anything of interest in it. We agreed that I could find me a person to fulfil that special need, as long as this was not a threat to the original relationship. It worked for about 4 years, with two partners both of which accepted each other.

Sorry I took so long to reply again, but thank you everyone for your responses.

Everyone keeps mentioning 'changing him' and I keep saying, to myself, but i'm not! However, I really am going to watch for that (when i get home anyways). I feel like I'm not trying to change him because, as I tell him, if he's not interested, I really won't push. I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want, so much as I want him to decide how much of it he wants. We've talked (again) and I'm going to join the local "kink society" when I get home, and he can too if he wants. And we'll go from there...

I'm glad to hear about others who have the same experiences with people bringing out their subby side. Especially this:
"what i do is try to keep it under control. Remind myself that it's in _my_ head and the other person isn't really dominating me, i just think he is, lol."

Thanks bipolar, that is exactly what happens around him. its in my head, its in my head... good mantra.


I am going to have to read up on poly, and to put serious thought into this. Am I happy, is he happy? Can we find a solution that lets me be kinky without pushing him into something he may not want?

I appreciate all of your responses!

hi sillypony.

all i have to add is:

you feel vibrant and excited because that is your true nature, and people who are like yourself recognize it and respond to it, and awaken those feelings in you, which can make anyone feel alive.

you love your boyfriend and want to stay with him, and since you do love him, he derserves your honesty. but i would never try to change anyone - you can ask him if it is something he wants to explore, but if he doesn't 'take' to it, then that is just the way it is.

why should you waste a lifetime denying your true nature, because you will just be half-living and unhappy in the long run.

if it were me, i would tell him this is what i am, and i wish to explore it, and explain all of it to him and give him the choice to hold onto me or not.

as for your newfound friend in France, the submissive in you is responding naturally to the Dom in Him. being obedient and serving Him is very pleasurable and makes you feel special and cherished, but you already know that.

good luck.

hey i just broke up with my boyfriend, for many reasons but one of the reasons was that i am only very youn, and if this guy cant satisfy my needs, even though i love him it had to end (and for other reasons aswell) but now im all excited about being able to find someone new that can satisfy the kink inside me.

just my opinion and personal experience, in no way am in saying break up with ur bf
x