words, actions or both?

BDSM is not a game, not mere sexplay...it is about surrendering body & mind and sharing your soul in a profound way with one very special person. which is why i cling to every word He says and count the hours until we meet again. i am in the new stages of a relationship with Him (not a member of this forum and not an online person but a real person, and a seasoned, experienced Dom)...he is my second, and i was deeply involved once before with a Gorean Master, and after much training and time together, i learned what it was all about, tapped the submissive part of myself that was just waiting, and never looked back. vanilla lovers hold no charms for me anymore, and any Dom i get involved with would have to be experienced, know exactly what he is doing and be patient and understanding. as you can imagine, they are few and far between. i feel that i have found Him, though, as He is wonderful beyond imagining...loving, patient, sensuous, intelligent, deliberate, 'dark'...it has been about a month and a half, and we have met several times...each time, although our exploration has been mostly vanilla, our talks and images we share have been D/s (in addition to very romantic song clips, etc.)

the problem is that at first, His chat was always on, He text messaged me every day (several times), we talked every day on the phone and met once or twice a week...and in the last two weeks, since right before Halloween, we have talked on the phone only once and have not texted at all, save for one or two in the last few days after i began pulling away from Him...do you examine his words, or his actions? do you think i am being needy and/or imagining things? i really want to know, since this is all making me sad and wanting to retreat, even though this man is incredible. He says He adores me, has plans for me, loves me and craves me, yet is absent, while i have not tapered off at all, except for the last few days to spare myself the agony of waiting for Him. now He is away and we plan to reunite when He returns, and He promised to text me while traveling to, in His words, 'keep me close' and sadly, no text messages...

i would really appreciate your guys's thoughts - in fact, i need them now.

thank you.

Have you asked him directly if he is slowly pulling himself away from you? Or why he is "absent" from you? He may have good reasons for not being available right now, it may be a lesson to you. My only advice to you is to keep an open line of communication. Tell him how you feel and ask him what his intent is.

Good luck.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now. You say he is travelling, and there could be a hundred good reasons why he hasn't communicated with you as he said he would. You know how you worry and imagine all sorts and when you actually know, it all seems so straightforward? But you must let him know in due course what this period apart meant to you. You may be new together and fervent, and you probably wonder if this is over sensitising your judgement somewhat, but he ought to know how you feel.

It's a good general point, however - do you go with words or actions? You get an instinct about actions that don't quite match up to the words, and it's wise not to ignore it.

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Originally Posted by Pearlgem

It's a good general point, however - do you go with words or actions? You get an instinct about actions that don't quite match up to the words, and it's wise not to ignore it.

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Amen to that! Whilst I would seriously like to add to this, I think I'll just sit back and watch what happens. I'm just too cynical atm to offer you hope.

However, to DLO, it's not always true that if you ask you'll get an honest answer.

I have no advice. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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Originally Posted by DiablosLittleOne

Have you asked him directly if he is slowly pulling himself away from you? Or why he is "absent" from you? He may have good reasons for not being available right now, it may be a lesson to you. My only advice to you is to keep an open line of communication. Tell him how you feel and ask him what his intent is.

Good luck.

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yes. in fact i have told Him 'goodbye' twice to spare myself, and both times He blocked it and pulled me back, saying He was unbelievably busy at the moment...and told me not to let my imagination run away with me, that i belong to Him, etc.

i think He wouldn't pull me back if He didn't want me, He would accept the goodbye, and gladly...but i can't help but feel that He has found a new interest (person) who occupies his attentions, while i wait until we can be together...i mean, He is supposedly traveling alone so why not message me...even one tiny one....my last message to him was 'i love u ----- xox', which received no reply. i think that deserved a reply. i don't 'keep score' like this...but i am in love and girls in love are known to be too sensitive...at the same time, i just want the truth rather than living in a fog...it is a bad feeling. don't worry about hurting my feelings...i asked for your thoughts and opinions and i am willing to listen to them. as it is now, i feel like i am looking at one of those magic 8 balls and it says 'All signs point to yes'. i would rather let Him go now before we get even farther down the path because i think the pain would be insurmountable if this occurred after investing more of myself in Him.

thank you very much for your comments. i appreciate them.

As Pearlgem suggested, I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now. People do get busy, and there are often reasons why they fall out of the loop when traveling.

However, upon his return I would make your feelings on this very clear. Yes, the relationship is new, but if you're both using the "L" word and he is claiming ownership of you, new or not, there is a reasonably assumed and supposedly mature level of commitment here. J is currently out of town, and if he just dropped off the face of the Earth for his entire week long trip I have to say not only would I be a little annoyed I would be legitimately worried for his safety.

Simply, a discussion needs to happen sooner rather than later between the two of you as to what depth of commitment and involvement each one of you is interested in. It's all fine and good to "block" you from saying goodbye and verbally pull you back, but you need to make sure that what he wants you for and is pulling you back for is also what you wish to be desired for. If he wants a couple submissives or if he is deciding between a few options and doesn't want to get dumped while he picks, that's more than enough reason for him to pull you back, but probably NOT good reasons for you personally to stick around.

Long story short, talk about this and set some ground rules for you both to follow.

This is interesting to me because it sounds similar to an unfortunate dynamic that developed between me and a former sub, although you sound like you have a deeper level of commitment with this person than we did.

That being said, I have a variable work schedule and I travel often for my job. Some days I work 12-14 hour days, there are often times I'm out of cell phone range much less near an internet connection. Then there are days I'm working from home and can spend more time chatting, IM, etc. In any case, the lack of contact produced similar feelings in my sub, especially since it probably seemed to not have a clear pattern from her perspective.

If there were any signs of attention from other subs (even if it was online, such as friend requests) this simply exasperated the situation.

She often had the same feeling you did:

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i would rather let Him go now before we get even farther down the path because i think the pain would be insurmountable if this occurred after investing more of myself in Him.

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She would then write me messages telling me as much, and she would go on about how she knew I had found somebody else, etc. Which couldn't have been further from the truth.

I feel like I'm rambling now, so I'll get straight to the point: don't make assumptions and act on them. As others have told you, have frank discussions and learn the facts about what is going on. Then come to an understanding about what is needed in terms of the level of communication even when one of you are busy.

When my sub continually assumed I was ignoring her for a new found plaything I began to think it was HER way of hinting that she no longer wanted ME around. I learned that this wasn't the case after having several conversations but it put a strain on our relationship and definitely put doubts in my head when they weren't there before.

My solution to the problem of my hectic schedule was to simply tell her exactly what was going on with as much advance as I could give. I would say when I wasn't going to be able to have access to the internet/phone and why. I would also make sure to tell her when I thought I'd be back online, so to speak, and I would contact her as soon as I could. On a side note, I would also give her tasks to do while I was gone to try and remind her that even though I was temporarily physically gone, she was still mine.

You've gotten excellent advice from others here and this message is already very lengthy, so I'll end it here. But I thought I'd give a perspective from someone who's been on the other side of a similar relationship.

Good luck, I hope this gets resolved.

well im going to say watch out. i have gone through this before. when they want you they pull you in and tell you they care about you. then when they ignore you or fade and you say something about it they say oh i was really busy, sorry. well my thing is, if they are busy but they really do like you and care about you all it takes is a quick text saying hey i hope your doing good or hey im thinking about you. thats it! it will take 5 seconds. so be weary and don't be pulled into his game.

i have gone back and read our numerous emails, which were all exquisite...reflected on our last phone call and remembered how happy He sounded to connect...and we are not together physically, i am not collared, and have not known Him long. i can usually spot a player and He definitely does NOT come across as that at all, not one tiny bit. i won't try to rationalize the details in my mind anymore because it does no good wrestling with unknowns. and i must just accept whatever comes my way until i see Him again, at which time i will engage Him in dialog and come to a resolution for both of us, even if it means i leave Him. i am glad i posted this though, because every comment echoes feelings, good or bad, that have been moving through me, and i feel better reading others' thoughts. until then i will keep my vigil counting hours until i can see Him face-to-face and see the truth lying there. thank yoOo

This is what makes LDR's so hard.

I know in my case my Sir travels a lot for His job, works extremely long hours and sometimes is just exhausted when He gets back to His hotel room. Sometimes its hard for Him to even send me an email. And I think it only takes a minute just to tell me "hi'.

But He also is very good about telling me that He will be traveling and may not be in touch for a few days too. Sometimes with no Internet or cell service. I still worry though.

When I haven't heard from Him in a few days, my mind goes crazy and I worry. Only imagining things that would keep Him from getting in touch.

But every time my worries were unfounded and everything was ok.

Keep the faith and go with your gut its always right.

Best of luck to you.

ohhh.....nono...this is not a "LDR"... Long Distance Relationship(?)....he lives very close to me, in fact, practically the same neighborhood....and we have met many times... i just meant we are not together as Dom/subbie...we are just exploring each other right now, although he does intend that our relationship will definitelty be that of a Dom/submissive eventually. and we haven't even fucked yet. sorry to be so blunt, but that is what i meant when i said we are not together physically... it took me a while because i was not sure what "LDR" meant. he is traveling in another state at the moment, although he will return very soon...

If this was a vanilla relationship I would say that you are getting in way too deep, way too fast - can you really love someone in such a short space of time? Do you have friends (lifestyle or vanilla), a job, family? Perhaps you need to pull back a bit and concentrate on your Master as part of your life rather than the be-all and end-all. Dom or not it must be hard to be the repository of someone's entire life especially if he has a hectic business life.

Good luck chick.

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Originally Posted by sinderella

ohhh.....nono...this is not a "LDR"... Long Distance Relationship(?)....he lives very close to me, in fact, practically the same neighborhood....and we have met many times... i just meant we are not together as Dom/subbie...we are just exploring each other right now, although he does intend that our relationship will definitely be that of a Dom/submissive eventually. and we haven't even fucked yet. sorry to be so blunt, but that is what i meant when i said we are not together physically... it took me a while because i was not sure what "LDR" meant. he is traveling in another state at the moment, although he will return very soon...

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Oh Im sorry, I misread and misunderstood some of your post. Yes LDR is a long distance relationship. Still its hard when you want them to communicate with you and they don't all kinds of things go thru your mind. Always thinking the worst, when it isn't.

Sometimes Im less than patient and want things now now now. I have to remember that Im not the one in control.

Best wishes on your journey!!!!

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Originally Posted by cadela

If this was a vanilla relationship I would say that you are getting in way too deep, way too fast

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why waste time? i don't meter my feelings, and i don't temper His feelings or actions when He is with me or talking with me, i just let them flow. i follow my feelings and His directions, wherever He leads me. i am a pebble on His beach, and He knows that. and i am willing to accept whatever comes because i do love Him.

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Originally Posted by cadela

- can you really love someone in such a short space of time?

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yes. love has a beginning and will spark when it will, and has no timetable. the degree of love increases or decreases over time. and He loves me too, because He said so.

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Originally Posted by cadela

Do you have friends (lifestyle or vanilla), a job, family?

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of course i do, although i am only just now making friends in the 'lifestyle', as you put it, in this forum. i do not love someone because i need a diversion, or have an empty life.

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Originally Posted by cadela

Perhaps you need to pull back a bit and concentrate on your Master as part of your life rather than the be-all and end-all. Dom or not it must be hard to be the repository of someone's entire life especially if he has a hectic business life.

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don't trouble yourself, i have already pulled back a bit until i can be with Him again and talk to Him about it. and nothing i say or do, according to Him, is unwelcome...He has told me that He wants to know every thought, and hear everything i have to say, and it is not hard for Him - if it were, He would tell me, and if He does, of course i will respect it. but if He tells me to not hinder myself in any way, then i won't. i want to please Him and see nothing wrong with that, and He is not the kind of man to keep His wishes unspoken.

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Originally Posted by cadela

Good luck chick.

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thanks very much.

I'm sorry my post seemed to upset you, that wasn't my intention. Good luck - I hope everything works out according to your dreams.

Sometimes regular life gets in the way. But, I agree with the other comments - this issue needs clarity for you. It is hard for submissives, when they are used to a certain level/amount of interaction, to have that interaction taken away. As long as I know ahead of time that He will be incommunicado and for how long, I'm okay. Sudden disappearance...not okay. I give Him the same consideration, of course.

i got the clarification i needed. i was walking around with my eyes wide shut, and reading other people's thoughts here and privately really helped me to realize that. as someone else said somewhere to another seeking advice, the answer is always in front of you already, and it was, so i let him go, and i feel like i can breathe again. this would have been a lot harder to do if i hadn't found you guys.

Good for you. X

Your gut feelings are almost never wrong. Glad you've found a home here and hope you find all that you deserve.

it's hard sometimes...like now, in quiet moments...i remember His voice, and His eyes, which were so unbelievably blue...i told Him they were like little blue Picassos...He always laughed at my lil jokes, haha... i don't know why love has to be so complicated. you know, other guys's voices, they're just voices, but your Master's voice (or in this case, potential Master) is like embedded in your psyche and you just have to wait for it to dissolve.

i hate that.

well, thank yoOo so much seriously. i appreciate it. i know my story is not unique, and mine is not the first heart broken in this crazy world.

This is a very hard thing to go through. Good for you for protecting yourself. I know what you mean about the voice, though. That can follow you for a while.