How much control do you give up?

I'm sure there are as many answers to this as there are bottoms/subs/slaves. I'm mainly interested in what permanently collared subs and slaves have to say (I identify myself as a slave in training).

Is there such a thing as giving up too much control? Should they have your email and website subscription passwords? Should safe words not be used eventually? Should hard limits be pushed or ignored eventually? Should your Dom/me get to choose your sexual orientation? Once the collar is on do you give up everything or are there still things that should be left private to the slave?

Those are just some of the things I have thought about recently with me about to begin my training in real life. Please don't assume any of these questions are issues in my relationship with my Master. This thread is in no way a reflection of O/our relationship. I just thought it might be a good topic to discuss.

If you trust your (impersonal you/your) Dom/Master/Owner, then there is no reason to have those limits. At the same time, if your Dom/Master/Owner trusts you, I would wonder why s/he wants to be bothered with that kind of information/ micromanagement.

Also, if you trust yourself, you wouldn't need to ask this question. (and don't take that as a insult- I have many many questions myself, which do usually come down to a lack of my own self- trust). If your Dom/Master/Owner trusted them self, s/he might be less interested in how you interact with the rest of the world (email , work, etc...) and more ready to focus on the dynamic between just you two.

Good questions. It has taken much time for me to answer these types of questions myself. i consider myself a slave, but then only to the right person. It takes time to build a relationship, no matter what kind it is, D/s or not. Once you take the time to get to know someone, you begin to trust them (hopefully), they get to know what you like, don't like, and over time can and cannot handle.

As for your specific questions, i have given away email and website passwords, i've been pushed far beyond my comfort zone, i've had journaling daily about the most intimate thoughts and details of my life, i've come to the realization that if indeed i call myself a slave, and not a sub, that a slave in the end does not have the final word, and therefore i cannot without contradicting myself, have any hard limits. With that realization comes the fact that i am no longer in control, i have handed over control of my life to another person. i can give input on what i would or would not like, but in the end it is not my choice anymore. i see my sexual orientation as straight. If in the end, after i had my say, She still wanted forced bi, then okay. For me, being part of a slave is not just following the orders you want to follow, but following the orders you least want to follow. Lastly is the safe words, in the end safe words are there to protect you, both of you. If you have come to know and trust each other enough that you no longer need them, maybe. However some may argue that the safe secure and sane way to practice is always to use safe words.

For me it comes down to communication and trust. i will not give myself to another without absolutely and completely trusting them. Having the communication skills to work out issues, things that your having anxiety over and things that are making you uncomfortable helps tremendously. If you can trust your Domme to go to them with anything that is on your mind, anything that's bothering you, then the rest will fall into place easily.

End of rant

"Expect Nothing, Prepare for Anything"
Blake

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Originally Posted by naughtyminx{M4}

I'm sure there are as many answers to this as there are bottoms/subs/slaves. I'm mainly interested in what permanently collared subs and slaves have to say (I identify myself as a slave in training).

Is there such a thing as giving up too much control? Should they have your email and website subscription passwords? Should safe words not be used eventually? Should hard limits be pushed or ignored eventually? Should your Dom/me get to choose your sexual orientation? Once the collar is on do you give up everything or are there still things that should be left private to the slave?

Those are just some of the things I have thought about recently with me about to begin my training in real life. Please don't assume any of these questions are issues in my relationship with my Master. This thread is in no way a reflection of O/our relationship. I just thought it might be a good topic to discuss.

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I guess I can give my input on the questions I posed here.

As a slave the ideal would be for no limits, no safeword usage, and giving up total control and surrendering yourself completely to your Master in your submission.

I have given Him my passwords to my email and website accounts. Oddly enough, that was one of the hardest things He's ever had me do. Harder than even the physical tasks or play that W/we do. I guess that is because that strikes right at the heart of mental submission. He assures me He will never use them and after some thought I told Him I would rather He use them if He ever feels the need to instead of harboring even a smidgen of distrust.

W/we have talked about once I'm permanently collared will I give up my limits. I have decided I won't take His collar unless I trust He will not ask or order me to do things He knows I have never found acceptable in the past. After all, how disappointing would it be if He slaps on the collar and 2 minutes later decides He wants to take a dump in my mouth. That would be the end of that for me. But that is where the trust and respect comes into play. He doesn't want to hurt me or make me unhappy. What would be the point in that.

Safewords I am torn about. I don't think they should ever be used during punishment. I do think where there are instances where they should be used. The slave starts to feel physically ill or notices something has gone wrong that the Master hasn't seen. Masters are human too and I would think they would be more displeased if a slave let something continue that was hurting their property instead of pausing for a moment to address a serious issue.

As for sexual orientation, I am exploring that. I do think that if a slave is absolutely horrified or sickened by the thought of homosexuality that it should not be forced upon them. That would be akin to rape in my mind. Again that boils down to trust and being with the right Master/Mistress in the first place.

I hate hard limits. I wish I had none but I do have a few. I am still evolving and growing as a slave. I gave up a hard limit for Him. I agreed to try what He wants. I do that for Him. I've also been looking at another hard limit I have and decided that it isn't a hard limit after all. It would be something I'm willing to try. He isn't that interested in it but said W/we may try it in the future. W/we are both keeping open minds about these things and growing together in O/our relationship.

My Master is the most important and influential person in my life. I am His most valued property. With communication, trust and respect I suspect all these questions and more get worked out on their own with time.

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Originally Posted by naughtyminx{M4}

I'm mainly interested in what permanently collared subs and slaves have to say (I identify myself as a slave in training).

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Let us know when you're ready for the other side of the fence to chime in.

Oz you are always welcome to chime in.

I actually brought something like this up in Chat and have heard from Dom/mes. All input is welcome :)

There were a few hard limits that took me a long time to get over, a couple years in fact. After getting over them though, it allowed me to be with a potential Domme that would not have worked out before. That leap from hard limits to no hard limits is a tough one but again your right, it also comes down to being with the right person in the first place, and being able to trust them, that in itself takes time. You can't just jump into the relationship, and expect everything to work out perfectly.

"Expect Nothing, Prepare for Anything"
Blake

He has control over anything he chooses, besides anything work related or my money , which was agreed on from the start (can you tell I made some mistakes there in the past? :icon277: ) he is not into micromanagement , there is no desire for him to have passwords and such but if he wanted them he can have them.
As for save words, none for me, the only thing I do have is “stop” , that pauses whatever we are doing to address the issue. Hard Limits… he says “how do you know if it is still a hard limit if you don’t push your limits?” and I think he has a point there. I am bi and poly so I don’t have any problems with other subs coming into our life’s ;) so again not a issue for us.
Its all about trust on both sides, if either he or i have a problem with anything we talk about it.
Any relationship changes over time, limits are stretched and hopefully more trust is gained.
that’s just the way we are working on our relationship of course, others choose to live life differently, I don’t think there is a “one fits all rule” either in a BDSM or vanilla setting, there is no wrong or right way, it all depends on the dynamics and wants and needs.
I hope I made sense
hugs

He has control over what he wants to have control over. He doesn't have my passwords, as he feels there is no need for him to have them. We have joint bank accounts, so in effect he has control there. Work is the stickiest thing, he'd like more control, primarily cos my boss is a troll bitch,and he'd like to do unspeakable, and very painful things to her, but sadly that's not very practical for us. Only safeword I have is 'Stop' but I've never had to use it.

As to hard limits, Master has pushed my soft limits, and now some are things I actively enjoy- our hard limits coincide so that issue hasn't arisen.

I'm bisexual, but he has no wish to involve anyone else in our relationship so it's irrelevant to him.

IMO, how much control is given up should be negotiated and agreed on, control can change as the relationship develops. It's what works for the people involved.

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Originally Posted by naughtyminx{M4}

Is there such a thing as giving up too much control?

Never surrender more control than what he can bring forth from you. Any brute can force a woman to submit in fear, it takes a very wise and cunning dominant to gain submission through love.

Should they have your email and website subscription passwords?

Is this hypothetical dominant only online, (if so, no , never) or someone I have been submitting too for many years now and trust with my very life?

Should safe words not be used eventually?

I believe the general consensus within SSC and or RACK is that one should have safe words to begin with. Outside of that consideration, safe words and ways of signalling a stop to the proceedings dont allways work and perhaps shouldnt be relied upon like a crutch eaither, many a dom has hurt many a sub thinking "but she never said the safe word". Additionally when one is bound and helpless it won't matter what the safe word is if the dominant in question doesnt respect your wish to have one. My Owner and I do not use safe words, but we have been in a long term well extablished R/L arrangment. But I am quite certian that since he does not wish to have his property damaged if I were to cry out he would stop things, but again Ive been with the same man for a many years now.


Should hard limits be pushed or ignored eventually?

The wise dominant never ignores the limitations of their most prized possession lest they wish to see said possession broken. The wise submissive does not seek the collar of those who are not also wise.

Should your Dom/me get to choose your sexual orientation?

One may lead the horse to the water, but unless the horse is thirsty, do not expect it to drink.

Once the collar is on do you give up everything or are there still things that should be left private to the slave?

Is the "collar" in question that of a submissive or that of a slave? The Slave's Collar for some is much bigger deal. But in essence, the answer to this question is the same as the answer to how much control should be surrendered. If a domianat was wishing to collar me, I would ceretianly let him know ahead of time that if his idea of a slave envolved me somehow being his doormat, or that he intended me to be in his collar by the end of the week etc then perhaps he had best look elsewhere for his slave becuase sugar I wasnt it. If however his idea of owning a slave involved holding well "deserved" dominion (I do mean "deserve" too, he will have to earn every inch of me) over one who submits willfully out of love and respect that was earned over time; well thats much more likely to recive a favorable responce.

Those are just some of the things I have thought about recently with me about to begin my training in real life. Please don't assume any of these questions are issues in my relationship with my Master. This thread is in no way a reflection of O/our relationship. I just thought it might be a good topic to discuss.

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I wish you all the luck and best hopes for you on your journey of submission!

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

Let us know when you're ready for the other side of the fence to chime in.

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the OP may mostly prefer to hear from RL slaves, but preference is not absolute (as has been discussed here.) Plus, lots of other people read these threads.

Is there such a thing as giving up too much control?
i completely agree with denu on this one, the only amount of control that you can give that is too much is when it's taken by force. A good Dom would be able to make you feel safe enough to give Him as much as you're able to. i never thought i'd be able to give up the amount of control that i have, until the situation/dynamic (and the relationship) developed.

Should they have your email and website subscription passwords?
i don't see why this is unreasonable. it does imply mistrust, so it would be worth having a respectful conversation to ascertain that it's not based on that.


Should safe words not be used eventually?

Personally, it wasn't a moment where Master said 'you don't have a safe word now, you don't get a say in what we do'. It built up eventually with the increasing control He had, in time, i couldn't seperate what i wanted from my desire to please Him-- it was like, He was asking, 'have you had enough?' and my only answer would be 'if You have'. Of course, for this to happen, He had to become so perfect in analysing my body language that He can tell when i've had enough, how i will react, regardless of what i say. it isn't an immediate thing, by any means.

Should hard limits be pushed or ignored eventually?

As i've just said, for me, it's more a case of realising that i don't have any hard limits for Him to push any more. Trusting that whatever He does is not going to harm me, and being able to give everything. If He wants it, it will be done, and that means that none of my limits are 'hard'. i wish i could make that easy to understand, but it isn't!

Should your Dom/me get to choose your sexual orientation?

Interesting question, Master and i have not discussed it. i hope somebody else has some good answers!


Once the collar is on do you give up everything or are there still things that should be left private to the slave?

i'm not sure if this applies to your dynamic, because as you say, you're a 'slave in training'. i didn't have this middle ground. i went from a training submissive, to a submissive, to His slave, when we both realised that's where we were headed. We didn't start out intending me to become His slave, it just ended up like that! After i was collared we were still taking things slowly. Master would always err on the edge of caution when it came to limits and safewords, and continues to check in when He's unsure of where i'm at, emotionally or physically.

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Originally Posted by naughtyminx{M4}

Is there such a thing as giving up too much control?

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To my mind, the answer is yes. But that's a personal preference. Even if one is my absolute slave, I don't want to be micromanaging you, I want you to have interests that don't require my oversight and perhaps not even my tacit approval. I expect you to reveal what I ask you to reveal to me, honestly and openly. But there are somethings that won't hurt me for not knowing them.

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Should they have your email and website subscription passwords?

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That goes directly to the nature of your relationship with your master. If he asks and you are comfortable, sure. But if he doesn't ask, why offer? If you're not comfortable, (to be answered more later,) why should you not be able to have boundaries, even within the limits of a lifestyle slave. Perhaps if one is a chattel slave, the answer is different, but aren't true property, to be sold or disposed of without a say...

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Should safe words not be used eventually?

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Absolutely not. Safewords are also about safety. Not just limits. A master should want to know when his slave is inadvertantly endangered.

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Should hard limits be pushed or ignored eventually?

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Pushed? Yes. Ignored? Never. Trusting him to not violate your limits is the same as having the limit. So why quibble over the semantics?

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Should your Dom/me get to choose your sexual orientation?

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If you've said you have a preference but are flexible, then sure. If you are not flexible, we're talking about limits again. Should you be pushed to find out whether something is possible, yes albeit carefully, but if you are adamently heterosexual or adamently homosexual, then we're right back to the limits discussion.

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Once the collar is on do you give up everything or are there still things that should be left private to the slave?

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I think my position is clear, slaves should be allowed some privacy.

When the world reverts and allow chattel slaves and real ownership, ask me again. Until then, the line between slave and devoted submissive is a fine line and it's blurry as to exactly where it lies.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

Until then, the line between slave and devoted submissive is a fine line and it's blurry as to exactly where it lies.

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I agree.

And on the password question...wouldn't giving up email passwords so your Dominant can read your email violate the expectation of privacy that anyone who communicates with you would have?

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Originally Posted by jeanne

I agree.

And on the password question...wouldn't giving up email passwords so your Dominant can read your email violate the expectation of privacy that anyone who communicates with you would have?

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That is a very good point. I actually have 2 accounts. One for my family and friends and the other is my 'kink' account. He only asked for my kink account passwords as he does not want to interfere with the other.

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Originally Posted by naughtyminx{M4}

That is a very good point. I actually have 2 accounts. One for my family and friends and the other is my 'kink' account. He only asked for my kink account passwords as he does not want to interfere with the other.

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Why is the 'kink' account different? For me, I too have my 'kink' account. But, I have friends I have become very close to, both in my local community and from here, that I communicate with using that account. I may ask advice, or respond to their requests for same, I may discuss something that is going on in my relationship, in order to get feedback...and I don't want to share that process with Him. And, I think it's wrong that a Dominant would expect me to be a completely open book. For example, I attend a monthly submissive's meeting. Does He know that I go? Yes. Do we sometimes talk about the general topics in each month's meeting? Yes. But, He and I both consider that to be "mine", and I get to choose how much to tell Him about that meeting and what is said. I must consider the privacy expectations of the other attendees, as well as my own need for privacy.

I simply don't agree with the sharing of email passwords under any circumstances. That's just my opinion, of course.

My Owner/husband and I both know each others passwords etc but....Last time I checked the site itself cautions against the sharing of passwords etc, and for good reason too.

Many a person (ussually a naive sub) has shared such things only to have it bite them in the backside later.

Again I ask, is this an online only psuedo dom or a real life one you have known for many years in real life who has proven themselves to you through actual real life actions to be trustworthy?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by naughtyminx{M4}

That is a very good point. I actually have 2 accounts. One for my family and friends and the other is my 'kink' account. He only asked for my kink account passwords as he does not want to interfere with the other.

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Before the crash of 2009, ;) there was a private sub-forum (pun intended) here called the Womb, which will no doubt be reinstituted. Do you intend to get yet a third account or just not join? Because it's the place where all the subs who choose to can discuss their concerns, share, and ask for advice.

So... are you telling all the members of the Womb that should you join, the Womb is no longer a safe place for them to talk because your dom has access?

It's not a trivial matter.

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Originally Posted by denuseri

My Owner/husband and I both know each others passwords etc but....

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Huh?

First, I clearly stated that this was not about the relationship I have with my Master. Second, several people have stated they have or would give their passwords to their Masters. Third, even you Oz said:

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That goes directly to the nature of your relationship with your master. If he asks and you are comfortable, sure. But if he doesn't ask, why offer? If you're not comfortable, (to be answered more later,) why should you not be able to have boundaries, even within the limits of a lifestyle slave. Perhaps if one is a chattel slave, the answer is different, but aren't true property, to be sold or disposed of without a say...

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So with all due respect to everyone that has answered or read this thread, I started this thread as a topic of discussion. I was not looking for advice.

As to the specifics of The Womb I had no intent on joining it in the first place. Obviously this topic has hit a nerve with some people. Maybe those that lead The Womb should take a poll and see if any of their Masters have passwords to their Library account. If they do will those subs be kicked out? While we are on it then why not the Taskee section as well.

As stated in my first post, I am sure there are as many answers to these questions as their are bottoms/subs/slaves. Each relationship is different. If a Master requires these passwords and the slave trusts their Master are they to tell their Master 'sorry, no can do. I am in The Womb'. The relationship and obedience comes first before any forum club. So Oz, are you recommending a slave defy their Master, the One they trust and are obedient to?

I find the bit of flip flopping and hedging in this thread to be comical yet sad.

OK... BEFORE ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING ELSE... EVERYONE TAKE A CHILL PILL!!!

1. naughtyminx, as you mentioned, you made this a discussion thread, not an advice thread. As such, the opening posts were all simply peoples' OPINIONS, NOT advice directed towards you. Then you stated your personal situation. THEN people commented on it--which is PERFECTLY fine--you opened the door for that when you stated what YOU did--they were just giving their OPINION at that point. You are free to take it or leave it. Most of the time, people generally leave it. Whatever you wish to do is up to you. What you are NOT entitled to do, however, is jump down their throat for giving their OPINION. It hasn't "hit a nerve" with anyone--there was no post that anyone got upset about, I see absolutely no antagonizing, etc. until your most recent post. So back it off, take a chill pill. NO ONE was attacking you personally, they were stating their OPINION about your post. If you don't like their opinions, you are free to disagree in a RESPECTFUL manner.

2. The Womb is a female, submissive-only area of the site. If you are interested in the area, send me a PM. If you aren't, please stop commenting on it. The members of the area know the rules. Everyone else is, pardon the language, full of shit. The Womb members know the privacy policies & what they agree to abide by. Other than that, it doesn't much matter now, does it? No one knows what goes on, nor does anyone know the privacy policies, so a discussion about them is utterly useless. If you wish to draw an analogy, I suggest you find another one to use, as the Womb is not a useful one since it is a closed group.

3. The taskee section of the site is permission-only to allow some degree of privacy for the taskees posting in the area. Period.

4. You are responsible for EVERYTHING & ANYTHING posted under your user name on this site. If you provide and allow someone else to log in as you, that's your perogative. I will say we have done over a dozen bans on people who provided others with their password--99% of the time it's been a sub providing it to their "trusted Dom." Think twice. If a Dom really trusts you, why do they need your log in for this site? It's a public site... they can read whatever you post already... and if they are reading your PM box, you probably have trust issues in the relationship that run deep. And if they are using it to read an area they shouldn't be in... well... we covered that already, I do believe.

Bottom line is this: everyone has an opinion on passwords. And do I give two shits which is better or what you do with yours? Nope. Do what you want--it's your password. Just note: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING POSTED UNDER YOUR NAME IN THE FORUMS, IN CHAT, AND ANYWHERE ON THIS SITE.

And do be cordial when you post to eachother in this thread & elsewhere. We've just been through a crash. We could use a little bit of respect, decent behavior &... oh... I dunno... COMMON SENSE... for a few days... eh?

just to add my 0.02c on the subject:

My personal opinion is that in most relationships, even non BDSM ones, couples end up knowing each others passords to things in time, it is simply a point of practicality that sometimes one of you has an amazon account and the other wants to order something, it happens.

In terms of a BDSM relationship would I ask for a password just for the sake of having that little bit of control? No probably not, do I know my slaves passwords for things? Yes, but for the reasons detailed above. Would I expect her to give me a password if I wanted it? Yes I would.

Onto the other things you mentioned I think safe words is a grey area, for most they are essential, in practise I think once you know you master well, and he knows you well, he knows what you are and aren't capable of, and as a result, even if the safe word exists, it may never get used.

Sexual orientation is a funny one, I have heard slaves say that they are straight but would perform homosexual acts for their master, however I am not sure in the real world how far this can be forced, and never something I have experienced or had to deal with, having only ever had bisexual subs (through sheer luck!)

The reference you make to a collar is an interesting one and fairly impossible to give a generic answer on simply because a collar means different things to different people, for some it is the end of freedom and privacy (as most slaves would see it), to a sub it may not involve complete end of freedom, and online a collar more often ends up just meaning play partner.

Should hard limits be pushed? Yes, in my opinion, but depending on what the hard limit is, if it is something like a phobia, then it is probably best left alone, if it is something that came from a traumatic experience, probably also best to leave alone. If it is something the sub simply doesn't like, and the dom does, then perhaps there is some room for pushing there.

Regards,

Arch

The only hard and fast rule is there is no hard and fast rule. Soon as you make a rule or define a word, someone... somewhere... will work to break it.

Is there such a thing as giving up too much control?

Depends on the relationship and the level of comfort of each individual. For those who are 'extreme' (for lack of a better word) no, there is no such thing as giving up too much. We are all shades of black, red, gray, purple, green, whatever you like. :p

Should they have your email and website subscription passwords?

Again it depends. Depends on what the sub/Dom needs. Maybe something happened to hurt the sub's trust in themselves and the way to repair it is to know that they are being looked after. I personally would have no issues turning over my passwords if requested. Depending on the site, i might even volunteer it. But, I knew my Sir loooong before he was my Sir. I would have no issues giving this as I know he wouldn't use it in a negative way. Even if my trust in myself is broken, I will always have trust in him. If that trust is broken, then the relationship is broken (and thus wouldn't be handing over passwords).

There is a caveat though. I AM responsible for anything posted under my name. If you have read Christina Parker's workbook, Where I Am Led, the very first thought of the week is "Many people make the mistake of assuming that giving up control also means giving up responsibility. No matter what the situation, a slave share equal responsibility for any consequences, either good or bad, that occur as a result of the consensual activities."

Should safe words not be used eventually?

I can't imagine, even if a relationship was 'safeword free', that there still wouldn't be a safeword per se. Even without a specified word, the sub would be able to relay the information that things are not kosher and the Dom would act upon that information as they see fit. To me, this is not much different then having a contracted safeword.

Should hard limits be pushed or ignored eventually?

Pushed? Yes. Ignored? No. If it's a hard limit that is pushed, then some discussion/aftercare/etc is needed to ensure the health of whose limits were pushed. Even for the most evil of Doms, this is required if they wish to be able to continue to 'play'.

Should your Dom/me get to choose your sexual orientation?

Your sexual orientation is your sexual orientation. No one can change it. That being said, a few things might happen. You might not be fully aware of your orientation due to a mental 'hangup'. You play with a gender that isn't part of your orientation under His/Her orders and enjoy it, whether you enjoy it or not ;) (unless we are limit breaking, if so, see above)

Once the collar is on do you give up everything or are there still things that should be left private to the slave?

Depends on how the relationship is negotiated. There are as many levels of control as there are people in this type of relationship. "We are all beautiful snowflakes" ::sees butterflies and fluffy bunnies running through the house due to all the sugar from that last line::

:rose:

How much control do i give up? On one hand i trust someone with my life every time i get tied up, on the other i don't trust Him to drive the "right way" to our munches. (i'm alittle ocd and that story is funny for a later time). Trust for me comes in different levels, and i have to admit i don't trust as deeply as i would like to with anyone. (but that level of trust is slightly different then kinky/giving up control.)

To me trust and giving up control go hand and hand. If i cant trust them how can i give up control and let go, who will catch me when i come down? i'm a submissive not a slave, so i can't help as much. i have given up my pass word once to someone and i will agree that is hard. But i doubt unless i lived with someone and He had a collar on me that i would give it up again.

About safewords, i play with a guy. . .we have played for going on (chit i lost count) say 1-2 months. He is still learning me/my reactions to Him/play. i know His red/yellow workings of the safe word. i've had to use it once and i don't feel that it's a bad thing for communication. Now more often i tell Him when i feel something wrong and He adjusts it and just continues.

If you are with someone, owned/collared/ect the safe word sorta fades a bit, after all They're your Dom/Master, your body is theirs they should know it well enough.

i'm alittle fuzzy here, cause you make it sound like "once your collared you jump off and toss away all your limits and self to be at His bidding and serve Him". i dont really think there's much of a difference, for me anyway. i'm not going to get collared by anyone who during the time we are together we have our limits and personal life working together and running well but the second He collars me He'll do a 180 and change everything up. i view it like dating/getting married. You get to know the person, they know you and as soon as you get married your sure as shit not going to be able to change who they were/what your personal goals/likes/ectectect.

*yawns* sorry i don't really think i helped that much. . .like i mentioned, i'm just a submissive.

~j~

i have given up total control to Sire. We have the same hard limits, so that will never be an issue. i am His slave. i do what He says when He says. Yes i have changed my sexual orientation because He said i would. Turns out that it is possible for me to be turned on by a woman, just not by all women. My bi-sexuality is person specific and no Sire does not expect me to play with people outside of our poly relationship. However if He ordered me to then i would. Yes Sire has all passwords and email info, but guess what? i have His too. There truly are no secrets with us. We tell eachother everything, even if it may not be what the other one wanted to hear. i have the right and am expected to 'parlay' if needed. This means that if He orders me to do something that is going to cause mental or emotional damage then i am to say parlay and explain my fears right away. Obviously if it was going to be physically damaging He would already be aware.

We do not call time out from our M/s relationship. i am His property, He cherishes me. While i do not have the right to tell Him no...if i thought He was capable of doing some of the sadistic things that people come up with then i would not have chosen Him for my Master to begin with.

We do not incorporate safe words into or play...per se...but there is always the possibliity that something within me could go wrong, either metally or physically, and Sire may not be aware of it. In the event that something just went really wrong or even a little wrong, it is my responsiblity to alert Sire. Either by saying Red or in the event that i panic...i would probably just be yelling His name and trying to communicate what the problem is. Sire is always very intuned to how i am doing during a play session. It wouldn't be hard for me to get His attention if need be. However when it comes to pushing me farther during scenes, i tell Him when i don't think i can take anymore and He choose to go just a bit farther...or not. But we like this, i like this. i like getting to the point where it is no longer about my pleasure, but rather totally giving to Him and taking for Him.

In more vanilla things, Sire still has total control. i do what He says, My biggest hard limit is that i will never do anything to hurt another person, regardless of the consequence to myself for disobeying. i can't see Sire ever trying to make me do something like that though, so we are good!

We are happy and this works for us. i would never tell someone else to do the same thing. People have to choose for themselves what is right for them.

Handing over total control goes hand in hand with also having total trust.