Can anyone help me?

[sub_in_denial]

Hi,
I am 30 happily married and very into BDSM, but I am having problems admitting and accepting that I do like it.
I was bought up a catholic (Don't know if that explains it).
I like to be dominated by my husband, who loves to dom. But I can not talk about it afterwards and if he tries to instigate sex I won't play along.
He thinks I can't accept who I am?

So I guess I am looking for reassurance that I am not some sort of freak that like to be spanked.
Please help??

[Widget]

Hello Sub_in_denial. I think if you read the forums you will find a lot of people here that share your interests. Welcome and have fun here and if you have any questions please feel free to post in the forums, there is a lot of friendly people here.

And NO you are not a freak at all......spankings are an importand part of a balanced breakfast.

[chattel69]

Isn't there a thread here about BDSM and Catholism? Believe me you are not alone in any means.

[maddie]

Hello Sub_in_denial. I'm sure you'll find lots of people here who have been where you are. I encourage you to read the forums and see what others have said.

[_ID_]

You are not a freak sid. Most of us here enjoy the activity because it brings us pleasure. The idea that it's kinky, perhaps naughty, maybe even a little freaky just makes it more fun.

Welcome to the forms. Enjoy yourself.

V/R
ID

[Timberwolf]

You are not crazy, or a freak. And you are not alone, either.

Welcome. Please look around, read, and even participate if it feels right to you. I think you'll find a lot that will help you.

[dzire2pleeze]

Hello sid. Opes dei, magdalene sisters and the list goes on; catholicism and BDSM go hand in hand.

I welcome you to the forums, confident that you will realize there is nothing freakish about you.

WIDGET - damn, no wonder i'm malnourished, I haven't been getting a balanced breakfast.

[Silke]

Oops, did we scare her away? Now that was quick...*sighs*

[Talia]

Hi,
I am 30 happily married and very into BDSM, but I am having problems admitting and accepting that I do like it.
I was bought up a catholic (Don't know if that explains it).
I like to be dominated by my husband, who loves to dom. But I can not talk about it afterwards and if he tries to instigate sex I won't play along.
He thinks I can't accept who I am?

So I guess I am looking for reassurance that I am not some sort of freak that like to be spanked.
Please help??

I don't think you are a freak....it's hard to open up to this at first. But I had a wonderful dom that helped me accept myself as I am. This place has also helped. Being around people you know are and think like you will help.

Don't close your husband out...open up to him. It's embarrassing at first..but you will find opening up to him in this area will be very intimate and well take your marriage to new heights...Open up to him. You are his wife and he your husband first and foremost. Communication is the key to any relationship. Let him love you like you need and desire....there's nothing wrong with that.

[cariad]

Hi,
I am 30 happily married and very into BDSM, but I am having problems admitting and accepting that I do like it.
I was bought up a catholic (Don't know if that explains it).
I like to be dominated by my husband, who loves to dom. But I can not talk about it afterwards and if he tries to instigate sex I won't play along.
He thinks I can't accept who I am?

So I guess I am looking for reassurance that I am not some sort of freak that like to be spanked.
Please help??

I see your account has been closed. But since I am sure you are not the only person who passes through these threads who has this conflict within them I am going to respond to your introduction.

The short and easy answer is that in the opinion of the members of this forum, myself included, you are not a freak of any sort.

I was fortunate that I never had an issue with being spanked, guess I was too busy enjoying it, and the after effects. However there are elements of what I enjoy within this lifestyle which I did have to grapple with, and come up with answer which was right for me.

It is a shame that you cannot discuss these matters with your husband. What I would suggest is that explore these threads, you will find that you are not alone in your desires, and maybe establish a PM (private message) relationship with a few people you feel you can trust, and explore the issues with them.

I hope that you find both what you are looking are for and what you need.

cariad

[sub_in_denial]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. My hub tries to get me to talk about it but I just get so embarassed. I will have a read and see if I can get myself sorted. Thankyou.

SID

[cariad]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. My hub tries to get me to talk about it but I just get so embarassed. I will have a read and see if I can get myself sorted. Thankyou.

SID

Delighted that you are still here! I wonder why you are showing as if you not...all very odd.

Hugs
cariad

[Tojo]

Hi & welcome, sub soon to be in acceptance.

Yes as the other lovely people have said, you are far from alone. The fact that you now have the Internet as a resource makes it much easier to gain knowledge & support.

Rest assured that you are doing something very courageous & sensible by making that post. I can absolutely guarantee you'll be well supported here.

Read & ask questions- feel free to PM anyone who looks helpful, myself included- with any personal queries.

Tojo

[cariad]

And Tojo has been voted the most helpful, so you can't get much more helpful than that!

If you want a female helpful-ish person I will do my best.

Or look around and grab someone you like the look of!

cariad

[sub_in_denial]

Thanks guys... But are you really happy for me to PM you? I feel like I have a load of sex issues not just around BDSM and a few gynae probs to boot. I don't want to be a moaning mini but I really want to sort myself out.

Still not quite sure how we have managed to produce 2 kids!!!

SID

[cariad]

Smiles - the answer from me is a definate yes, and I also know that Tojo was sincere in his offer.

Can't help with the medical bits, and I am the ultimate chicken when it comes to having gynae check ups; but I am prepared to chat about most things, including giving you a few clues as to how you produced those kids.

Something to do with birds, bees, storks and goosberry bushes if I remember correctly.

cariad

[Tojo]

Thanks guys... But are you really happy for me to PM you? I feel like I have a load of sex issues not just around BDSM and a few gynae probs to boot. I don't want to be a moaning mini but I really want to sort myself out.

Still not quite sure how we have managed to produce 2 kids!!!

SID

Yes that's just fine- you wouldn't be the first.

Tojo

[maddie]

Thanks guys... But are you really happy for me to PM you?

None of us would say it if we didn't mean it. You're not the only person around here to have such issues. I promise.

[_ID_]

Thanks guys... But are you really happy for me to PM you? I feel like I have a load of sex issues not just around BDSM and a few gynae probs to boot. I don't want to be a moaning mini but I really want to sort myself out.

Still not quite sure how we have managed to produce 2 kids!!!

SID

As the others have said sid.

And yes. We are sure.

V/R
ID

[dzire2pleeze]

My pm box is always open. ~smiles~

I know first hand that cariad is the most wonderful, caring and helpful person to discuss things with.

Tojo was not voted "most helpful" for no reason.

As to the others, i, myself, have not encountered anyone who was not sincere when they offered help.

[sub_in_denial]

Ok so between you all you have managed to shatter my first illusion. The illusion that to be into this stuff you must be heartless, weird, not loving, not caring.

So that means I can start thinking that I have to be like that. I actually feel a small weight lifted from my heart.

Your opinion please..
My hub knows that I have joined a forum to try and sort my head out but he wants to know which one so he can read. I have told him no.. basically because if I knew he was reading I wouldn't be able to be completely honest. Now I feel guilty because I don't want to shut him out. But I feel that this is something I need to sort out on my own. Am I right??

[Timberwolf]

"The illusion that to be into this stuff you must be heartless, weird, not loving, not caring. "

I understand where your preconception comes from... I held it once as well. But in my experience, among people who are genuinely in the Lifestyle, I've found exactly the opposite.

Well, except the weird part. We've got plenty of that.

"Your opinion please..
My hub knows that I have joined a forum to try and sort my head out but he wants to know which one so he can read. I have told him no.. basically because if I knew he was reading I wouldn't be able to be completely honest. Now I feel guilty because I don't want to shut him out. But I feel that this is something I need to sort out on my own. Am I right??"

This is tricky... if your husband is the one you intend to persue these desires with, I would say that honesty and trust between you is quite critical. If you shut him out, you are putting up a wall between you and him... even if you mean well, it's only natural that if he loves you he's gong to feel a bit hurt to be shut out.

If you don't feel you can be completely honest with him, why not?

[Scorpio'sWill2Power]

Timberwolf's got a valid point.

You've also got to be honest with yourself as well.

Is this something he will accpet and want to share with you?

Does he have some preconceived notions about the lifestyle
that would make it unappealing to him to share even with
you?

The one person you have to also be most honest with is
yourself. Recognize who you are and what you need most
in a realtionship.

I don't know that anyone can give totally to another unless they
know just who they are inside and what their own expectations are.

Maybe sitting down and openly talking about what you need and hope
to find for yourself would be the way to go before he'd begin reading
your most intimate thoughts.

[sub_in_denial]

Timberwolf's got a valid point.

You've also got to be honest with yourself as well.

= This is where I am having problems...I can't seem to accept myself for who I am.
Is this something he will accpet and want to share with you?

= yes absolutely

Does he have some preconceived notions about the lifestyle
that would make it unappealing to him to share even with
you?

= No, its me with all the hang ups.. so to speak!

Maybe sitting down and openly talking about what you need and hope
to find for yourself would be the way to go before he'd begin reading
your most intimate thoughts.

= But how do I get over the embarassment of talking about such things? I just can't look him in the eye. But when we are turned on and "in role" I am perfectly fine with it. But I can't discuss it with him afterwards. I'm just too embarassed

[_ID_]

sid - I don't know you, and I don't know your relationship between you and your husband. I don't know much about psycology, or profess to be some great thinker.

What I do know is this: In order for you and your husband to both enjoy each other both in the moment, and out of the moment. The excange of trust has got to be at a level you have yet to find with each other. If you can trust him with your body, learn to trust him with your mind. Open your soul to him, for him to declare beautiful and at the same time wonderfully kinky. Once you bare your inner self to him. I think you will feel as if you can't keep these thoughts from him, for if you do. You will most likely feel as if you are not worthy of his attentions.

Your job as the submissive in this is to trust him completely, and with all your might. His job, and this is the key really. Is to cherrish that trust, to show you that your submission to him is a treasure that he values beyond the tangables of life.

V/R
ID

[Unregistered]

If you can trust him with your body, learn to trust him with your mind. Open your soul to him, for him to declare beautiful and at the same time wonderfully kinky. Once you bare your inner self to him. I think you will feel as if you can't keep these thoughts from him, for if you do. You will most likely feel as if you are not worthy of his attentions.

Your job as the submissive in this is to trust him completely, and with all your might. His job, and this is the key really. Is to cherrish that trust, to show you that your submission to him is a treasure that he values beyond the tangables of life.

V/R
ID

I trust him with my body completely, although sometimes he has gone over the line, but that is more my fault for not laying down explicitly what I will not tolerate. However I think you may have something in the "trusting him in my mind". Part of me fears a betrayl of my secrets should we ever part.. photos/video ending up of me on the net etc etc. How do I over come this fear to trust him completely?

[sub_in_denial]

That last post was from me... I forgot to log in! Still trying to get the hang of this whole forum thing

[cariad]

...My hub knows that I have joined a forum to try and sort my head out but he wants to know which one so he can read. I have told him no.. basically because if I knew he was reading I wouldn't be able to be completely honest. Now I feel guilty because I don't want to shut him out. But I feel that this is something I need to sort out on my own. Am I right??

...What I do know is this: In order for you and your husband to both enjoy each other both in the moment, and out of the moment. The excange of trust has got to be at a level you have yet to find with each other. If you can trust him with your body, learn to trust him with your mind. Open your soul to him, for him to declare beautiful and at the same time wonderfully kinky. Once you bare your inner self to him. I think you will feel as if you can't keep these thoughts from him, for if you do. You will most likely feel as if you are not worthy of his attentions.

Your job as the submissive in this is to trust him completely, and with all your might. His job, and this is the key really. Is to cherrish that trust, to show you that your submission to him is a treasure that he values beyond the tangables of life.

Hello Sub in denial. I agree with ID, that is your goal, and it is a magical place to be.

However reading between the lines I suspect you are perhaps not ready to go there. If you can then wonderful, if not, how about taking a first step in opening up, and explaining to him why you feel you need some space to yourself for a while. I have to warn you, he will probably not like it, goes against both the male and the Dom psychology, but be gentle and persistent and appreciate that he will probably feel hurt by your exclusion of him. But at least you will have told him why, which is so much better than just a plain no. You might wish to point out to him that this is also the normal process in most forms of counselling.

You could give him an additional promise to explain things to him, as and when you are ready, for example you could explain your relief having your first illusion shattered, and that you do not have to be 'heartless, weird, not loving, not caring'. Talk about how you felt before, about some of the not so heartless people you have met here, and about how you feel about your discovery. Each time you share something with him like that, you will be moving a step closer to that goal ID spoke of.

cariad

[_ID_]

I trust him with my body completely, although sometimes he has gone over the line, but that is more my fault for not laying down explicitly what I will not tolerate. However I think you may have something in the "trusting him in my mind". Part of me fears a betrayl of my secrets should we ever part.. photos/video ending up of me on the net etc etc. How do I over come this fear to trust him completely?

Finding trust in your relationship is a building block of success and failure. Each step and each block dependent on the last. If you can understand a couple simple construction techniques i will illustrate for you some.

When building something, a large granite building for instance. There is a key stone. It is the first stone to be laid as the foundation for the building. This stone must be set perfect. For every stone after it will be dependent on its placement.

Another example is the keystone. When building an archway. the arch is built one brick or stone at a time. At the center top there is a stone that wedges to push outward on the nearest stone in both directions. If this stone was not placed correctly all the other stones to that point would crumble.

Okay, this is getting long winded, bare with me.

So in your relationship, work with your corner and key stones. One being your love for your husband, and his love for you. Unless you got married cause the sex was just that good, and don't have any real common interests. You generally like and love each other, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten married. The other stone you must work on is trust. Placing it correctly so that the other things in your relationship are stable and strong.

The mortar that binds these stones is communication. Keep the communication strong and open, and the stones you have placed will only become stronger and more stable as time goes on.

Lesson? Yea theres a lesson. Talk to him. You mentioned you didn't say what wasn't okay to do. There is a BDSM checklist on the site, or on the Internet as well. Print one up. Fill it out. Give it to him. Trust that he will use for good, not some whacked out psycho ex thing and post it on e-bay or something. He will read it, and use it to bring you to places you didn't know existed.

Take that first step in saying what isn't cool, leaving him to decide when or how to do what is cool.


V/R
ID

[maddie]

There are other ways to communicate than just talking. You may find an outlet in writing, for instance.