Oldie but newbie

[Sheilu]

For years I have identified myself as a sub. I have made the mistake of meeting "doms" only to find out they were just horny and looking for a fuck with absolutely no interest in BDSM.

I see where my mistakes were before, but now I find myself in a different situation:
I met someone online a year ago and recently learned he was completely unaware of the BDSM culture. After a little explanation, he ended up assuming the submissive role. I feel I know enough to start this relationship, but I worry that I might not lead it in the right direction. Since I have always been the submissive, this seemed a bit strange, but fortunately, I feel I have taken to this role quite naturally.

I have already instructed him to research and learn about the culture, because that is how I learned. I have found that my research was more beneficial than every meeting I have encountered.

My concern: I have always dreamed of what my ideal Dom would be like, but have yet to experience it. I wonder if I would be able to fulfill that role for my sub.

This is a long distance relationship, and we have not yet met in person. If anyone could lend me an introduction and a direction to head, it would help lots.

[ElectricBadger]

Welcome, Sheilu! Good to have you here. It sounds like you're in a difficult place, however.

I think your experience as a sub can help you alot as a dom; you know the things that you enjoyed, or fantasized about, or needed to be happy, and you can provide those with a perspective no pure dom could have.

The greater question is whether you can be happy in the role. Is this a type of relationship you want, or are you trying to live vicariously through your sub? If you can't be a dom to dominate, or make them submit as they need to, difficulties will undoubtedly ensue.

Nor should you feel you have to dominate, if you aren't happy with that. Pairs of subs aren't unheard of, and you can still teach your friend as a fellow, rather than a dom. Looking together, you may have better luck finding a good dom.

Hope this helps a little!

[Pertez]

Welcome

[Alex Bragi]

Hi and welcome Sheilu.

And, I wish you well in discovering all new things about yourself.

I subcribe to an excellent, and free, online digest letter for dommes and their male submissives. I'll message you address shortly.

[Logic1]

welcome to the forums Sheilu
hope you find what you are looking for here and the help to let you move forward.

[mysc]

Sheilu!

As for your concern.. well I think you are already going towards being a very good Domme because you are concerned about it (does that make sense???).
The key is communication.... listen, reflect and anticipate..

[annie]

WELCOME to the family! Haven't checked all the posts yet today but you may wish to start a thread in Knowledge Base or BDSM life as well to discuss your concerns... just in case someone misses it here!

[Sheilu]

TY all for the warm reception! ElectricBadger; I don't think that my purpose is to live thru my sub. I'm actually beginning to enjoy the role, as little as has been done so far, but that is definitely something to remember. ;-)

[Noontide]

welcome sheilu. your post was an eye opener....... you're not talking about being a switch, a complete role reversal that you're enjoying....

[Rhabbi]

Hello Sheilu and to the forums.

For years I have identified myself as a sub. I have made the mistake of meeting "doms" only to find out they were just horny and looking for a fuck with absolutely no interest in BDSM.

I see where my mistakes were before, but now I find myself in a different situation:
I met someone online a year ago and recently learned he was completely unaware of the BDSM culture. After a little explanation, he ended up assuming the submissive role. I feel I know enough to start this relationship, but I worry that I might not lead it in the right direction. Since I have always been the submissive, this seemed a bit strange, but fortunately, I feel I have taken to this role quite naturally.

I have already instructed him to research and learn about the culture, because that is how I learned. I have found that my research was more beneficial than every meeting I have encountered.

My concern: I have always dreamed of what my ideal Dom would be like, but have yet to experience it. I wonder if I would be able to fulfill that role for my sub.

This is a long distance relationship, and we have not yet met in person. If anyone could lend me an introduction and a direction to head, it would help lots.

This was an eye opening intro. I would say that you just need to take it slow, and make sure that you are both suited for each other. I know of a few subs who train Doms, or other subs. And I also know that a sub can find out after a few years that she/he is really a Dom/me.

Either one of these may be happening with you. the first thing you need to figure out is which is true in your case. Then you can ask questions based on that.

But one thing you need to realize regardless, as a Domme you cannot be your dream Dom,. You have to be the Domme that your sub needs.

[Flaming_Redhead]

[Sir_Russell]

Greetings and Welcome

I have a thread in the Knowledge section on hard limits questionaire that I think would help you both.

[Ozme52]

My concern: I have always dreamed of what my ideal Dom would be like, but have yet to experience it. I wonder if I would be able to fulfill that role for my sub.

No... you probably won't be able to be that partcular ideal Dom. That Dom is only going to be ideal for you. Unless your new sub is exactly like you in every desire, including the levels of desire, with your experiences and needs, then you will likely disappoint him/her.

I suggest trying to be whatever he/she needs as he/she learns and grows. Of course, this will be difficult... the dominant role is invariably about what the dominant needs and wants. If that includes the submissives desires, then you will be a good dom, regardless of whether or not you're the ideal dom.

[angelic.zest]

hello and welcome to the community!

[jeanne]

Hello and welcome! Your concern for your submissive is a good sign. Good luck and enjoy yourself! Remember that this is supposed to be fun too.