Husband/master finds it hard to to "mean" to me

[sexyslave69]

My husband and I are exploring BDSM. He has a hard time being Dominant with me at times.Like he felt "bad" from with holding me from having a orgasm.He also has a hard time spanking,and whipping me.I let him know that if it hurts I will let him know.He likes the sexual parts of it the most,the other stuff he is not that into it.I crave MORE of a lot of different things but not getting it.Not sure if anyone has any advise but would be appreciated.Thanks

[LadyArana]

I had this problem, too, when I first started in BDSM with my ex husband. What I had to do was to show him that there are certain safety precautions that are taken when doing a scene that involves whipping, or spanking, or pretty much any kink for that matter. Set a safe word. Let him know that, if you use that safeword, that's when he needs to stop. Better yet, use the traffic light system. Red: STOP. It's too much. Yellow: Slow down or lighten up and evaluate. I need a breather. Green: Keep going or go harder. Orgasm denial is something that some people just aren't comfortable with. However, in my experience, if you tell someone that by denying you an orgasm now, when they allow it later, it will be so much more intense, they usually warm to the concept. It takes time, but they warm to it.

[sexyslave69]

I mentioned a safe word to him and he thinks using words not related to sex is weird.He doesn't spank me or whip me much at all.He says he has to think about it,he doesn't like to do it really but does it sometimes because he knows I like it.I made a suggestion for me to move away a little when it does start to hurt more then I like it too though.I rarely ever have to move away from him,wish I did.Thank you for advise, I really appreciate it.

[denuseri]

Open, honest two way communication is key to making any relationship work.

It would be wise to set aside a time for the two of you to engage in it in addition to kinky activities.

Is your husband also going to be joining the site?

Its a great idea for the two of you to learn and grow together and benefit from all the information here.

[sexyslave69]

Hello again....I wanted to to say also that when he gets into it (BDSM) it's soooooooooooo fun.I feel weird brining up ideas all the time to him because I feel like I am the dom not him.I wish I could help get into more.

[delish]

In today's society, men are generally brought up to be very respectful of women. A five-year-old boy knows that he shouldn't hit girls. You're not going to turn a vanilla guy into a sadist overnight, so that's important to keep in mind. Also, since you know more about what you want in this regard, you're kind of going to have to explain and show him how to be dominant- unless you want to get involved in your local scene, but that seems like it might freak him out even more. I agree with Denuseri; I think he should get an account here and chill with us.

It's also possible that he won't be interested in BDSM in any way, shape or form. Just as some people are naturally drawn to it, it simply doesn't click for others. Bottom line, though- you're going to have to be really honest with him about what you're looking for. It helps to be really vocal about it when he pushes one of your buttons. Positive reactions often ease the transition. Good luck! I hope this helps some!

[sexyslave69]

He is only into the part where I give him head whenever he wants it,and he calls me names once in awhile,bitch,slut,whore.Other then that he is not that into it.He maybe spanked me 3 times in a few months time.He won't make an account on here.He is not that kind of person that likes to talk about stuff like this with other people.I must of written him like eight letters telling him what I like and how to do it. Thanks for the advise Delish.I just have to give it some time I guess.

[thir]

He is only into the part where I give him head whenever he wants it,and he calls me names once in awhile,bitch,slut,whore.Other then that he is not that into it.He maybe spanked me 3 times in a few months time.He won't make an account on here.He is not that kind of person that likes to talk about stuff like this with other people.I must of written him like eight letters telling him what I like and how to do it. Thanks for the advise Delish.I just have to give it some time I guess.

I personally do not think that time will do it. As was said, some people do not click that way, and if they do not, it is unlikely that it can change.

I am sorry, but it sounds to me like you want something of him that he simply does not have to give you - more than he already has.

[sexyslave69]

Well I guess that's it then.I am gonna give up on it.He doesn't care if it's the same ole thing all the time when we have sex lol.He will miss the blow jobs on command though.Oh well lol.Thanks for the advise everyone.

[ksst]

Your husband sounds like mine. He may be a bit more willing, but not as into it as me, as in craving it. I just joined the forum here today and have a lot to learn I guess. I just know that I have a lot of feelings that seem weird to me and wanted to talk to other people who might feel the same way. My husband is willing to play the role of Master and I have a hard time explaining to him just how hot it makes me. I'm not sure how explicit these posts are supposed to be but last night I left a collar under his pillow and pulled it out so he could put it on me.

[sexyslave69]

Hello Ksst My husband is getting into more now.He still doesn't like the spanking,whipping part but is willing to add some of that in for me.We also had a few things that were kinda preventing us from doing certain things before and now we are able to get into it more together.How long have you been exploring "BDSM"? I am kinda of new to it and so is my husband.I know the feelings I feel aren't new,I just decided to tell him recently.Does your husband have a hard time with the physical aspect of it too? Well I don't want to bombard you with too many questions at one hun.I am not not sure what is being too explicit on here though so I can't answer on that.I don't think you really can get to explicit on here.Anyways hun Welcome to the site, talk to you soon

[ksst]

We've been exploring it (bondage/spanking) on occasion, not every time, since very early in our relationship, in a very mild way. It was his idea the first time. Lately I've just been more into exploring new things, so I got some equipment- he still likes tying his own knots He wants to make sure he isn't really hurting me and reassure me that the rude things he says he means in the most loving way. I just show him I like it and it encourages him to keep it up. I'm guessing nothing you want to ask is too explicit from reading some of the other stories. I don't mind either

[davina_]

It's almost funny how applicable this is and just the opposite. For years, I have been trying to gently introduce my wife into a F/m or D/s relationship but she is so submissive herself that it's very difficult. Neither of us wants to do anything unpleasant to the other and yet we both crave it from a submissive standpoint.

I don't think it matters that I am male and am trying to initiate a D/s type scene from the submissive direction. I think it's just real difficult to get a non-dominant person to act very dominant. I have gotten her to have a really good time with a strapon and I think she enjoys the power-trip she senses from that. But I don't think there is any way in hell I'll ever get her to really punish me.

[graptolite]

Tell him he will only get head when you have a warm sore ass.
Then he may get into it more

push him to give you a really good spanking and the more he spanks you, the better the BJ after.

G

[brwneydgirl]

Tell him he will only get head when you have a warm sore ass.
Then he may get into it more

push him to give you a really good spanking and the more he spanks you, the better the BJ after.

G

I understand this response to the original issue and maybe it will work wonderfully but this smacks of "topping from the bottom" or of the sub bargaining for what she wants. I think it would probably leave her feeling unfulfilled.

Maybe it's just me.

[davina_]

I understand this response to the original issue and maybe it will work wonderfully but this smacks of "topping from the bottom" or of the sub bargaining for what she wants. I think it would probably leave her feeling unfulfilled.

Maybe it's just me.

I agree completely, but in a situation where a "would-be" Dominant has not "learned" his/her role yet, could this be considered education? If not, what other method would you suggest.

[thir]

I understand this response to the original issue and maybe it will work wonderfully but this smacks of "topping from the bottom" or of the sub bargaining for what she wants. I think it would probably leave her feeling unfulfilled.

Maybe it's just me.

I think this depends on just what kind of 'power frame' or ideology or kind of submission is behing the wish for whipping and bondage.

As I see it, the most important thing is not what is actually done, but the feelings and ideas behind them. For example, say you could look into 3 different homes and there see the same picture: a person being whipped by another person. But in pic 1 it might be a slave being whipped by a master or mistress in a 24/7 relationship, and if we could we watch further we might see that this person was told how to dress, what to do, and under control all of the time. In picture 2 we might see the persons change places later, or the day after. In picture 3 we might see a difference between what happens in the scene, and what happens afterwards, which might be a non-bdsm life. And so on.

My point is, we cannot see into the heads of the people we were watching, but the feelings in there would be very different, and those feelings are what determines everything else.

There is a difference if someone wants a whippping as a sensual experience, or if it is a sign of dominance. Or both.

Another thing is that what you want and what you can get is not the same thing. You may want someone to take over, but if don't, they don't, and you have a problem. You can give it up, or try to make the best of it. As I see it, topping from the bottom is not always by choice, but it may be bettter than nothing, at least for a while.

[brwneydgirl]

You may want someone to take over, but if don't, they don't, and you have a problem. You can give it up, or try to make the best of it. As I see it, topping from the bottom is not always by choice, but it may be bettter than nothing, at least for a while.

This is true. But now what if we looked at it from the opposite angle... Let's say there is a couple (a kinky couple), both the partners are mostly dominant in their lives and yet one particularly wishes for the other to submit. And let's say that other one DOES submit...sometimes...but with no great zeal, and in fact, most of the time, the dominant has to keep reminding the partner that he/she should be a bit more submissive. I think this would become frustrating for both partners, quite quickly.

I agree that, "what you want and what you can get is not the same thing." And that not everyone WANTS to "take over"....but when you've been trying to make the best of it for years and years and it's to the point where you'd rather just skip sex altogether than pretend to enjoy what your partner is doing instead of hurt their feelings, it starts getting ugly.

My situation seems to be a common one here on the library. My husband will do what I ask...he'll tie me down, spank me a bit, might even tussle with me a little, but I KNOW (because he's expressly told me) that none of these are things he enjoys. He gets no fulfillment from it, and in fact, it stresses him out to think that I DO enjoy them---and that that enjoyment probably reaches further than he'd care to examine. So, to save his feelings, I hide that part of myself away.

I tried to make the best of it by explaining what I want. I topped from the bottom. But my "better...at least for a while" is coming to an end and that scares me.

[thir]

..but when you've been trying to make the best of it for years and years and it's to the point where you'd rather just skip sex altogether than pretend to enjoy what your partner is doing instead of hurt their feelings, it starts getting ugly.

I am sorry. It is a bad situation, and, as you say later on, all too common too.
My thought was, if you turned the situation around: would you like him to pretend that what you did was enjoyable - time and time again? Would you like to keep doing something that was bad for your partner?

[quote]
My situation seems to be a common one here on the library. My husband will do what I ask...he'll tie me down, spank me a bit, might even tussle with me a little, but I KNOW (because he's expressly told me) that none of these are things he enjoys. He gets no fulfillment from it, and in fact, it stresses him out to think that I DO enjoy them---and that that enjoyment probably reaches further than he'd care to examine. So, to save his feelings, I hide that part of myself away.
[quote]

He does all you ask, but says he does not enjoy it..It stresses him to think that you enjoy what he is doing to give you pleasure? So you try not to show your pleasure, or did you mean you try not to have any bdsm at all?

Is it at all possible that, if he stopped freaking out over this interest, he might enjoy it? Could he and you maybe talk to some other bdsm people? Could he be on this list? Is it possible to de-dramatize the whole thing? Could you get some good books?

I tried to make the best of it by explaining what I want. I topped from the bottom. But my "better...at least for a while" is coming to an end and that scares me.

It certainly does not sound good..have you talked to him about what he might want? Have you talked in more general terms about bdsm, and how common and totally harmless it is?

Have you talked about you trying to meet someone else?

[thir]

..but when you've been trying to make the best of it for years and years and it's to the point where you'd rather just skip sex altogether than pretend to enjoy what your partner is doing instead of hurt their feelings, it starts getting ugly.

I am sorry. It is a bad situation, and, as you say later on, all too common too.
My thought was, if you turned the situation around: would you like him to pretend that what you did was enjoyable - time and time again? Would you like to keep doing something that was bad for your partner?

My situation seems to be a common one here on the library. My husband will do what I ask...he'll tie me down, spank me a bit, might even tussle with me a little, but I KNOW (because he's expressly told me) that none of these are things he enjoys. He gets no fulfillment from it, and in fact, it stresses him out to think that I DO enjoy them---and that that enjoyment probably reaches further than he'd care to examine. So, to save his feelings, I hide that part of myself away.

He does all you ask, but says he does not enjoy it..It stresses him to think that you enjoy what he is doing to give you pleasure? So you try not to show your pleasure, or did you mean you try not to have any bdsm at all?

Is it at all possible that, if he stopped freaking out over this interest, he might enjoy it? Could he and you maybe talk to some other bdsm people? Could he be on this list? Is it possible to de-dramatize the whole thing? Could you get some good books?

I tried to make the best of it by explaining what I want. I topped from the bottom. But my "better...at least for a while" is coming to an end and that scares me.

It certainly does not sound good..have you talked to him about what he might want? Have you talked in more general terms about bdsm, and how common and totally harmless it is?

Have you talked about you trying to meet someone else?

[Dog's Lady]

Davina-I had a very brief relationship with another sub, one whose tastes almost exactly paralleled mine, so much so that we could give each other what WE wanted and make the other very happy. We took turns topping, and had a great time. Aside from communicating with your lady, which can't be stressed enough, could you work out trades? You know, I'll do the X, Y, and Z you want tonight, and you do the A, B, and C I want tomorrow? My current relationship is with a switch. When he tops, things are amazing; I, on the other hand, have not done so well as his top. But I haven't given up; it is almost part of my submission to want to learn how to give him what he needs when he is feeling more bottom even if I would technically be the top in that situation. (I hope that last sentence wasn't too confusing.)

[davina_]

Actually, I think I know exactly what you are saying. And we do that now, kind of trade off. Everything is pretty good except I sometimes wonder what it would be like if she was "really" dominant. She is just so darn sweet and wonderful all the time, (unless you put a sterring wheel in her hand, LOL). She loves the feeling of power when she uses a strapon on me but she just doesn't have it in her to really be dominant and forceful with me. I think she just doubts herself too much.

[thir]

Actually, I think I know exactly what you are saying. And we do that now, kind of trade off. Everything is pretty good except I sometimes wonder what it would be like if she was "really" dominant. She is just so darn sweet and wonderful all the time, (unless you put a sterring wheel in her hand, LOL). She loves the feeling of power when she uses a strapon on me but she just doesn't have it in her to really be dominant and forceful with me. I think she just doubts herself too much.

I am sometimes wondering if - I don't know - if much thought is steered by wishful thinking. By longing.

If we have a wish for how we would like to be treated, maybe we tend to think that our partner must somehow be the mirroring of our desires. But we are all so different!

What if your partner is totally satisfied with what she has? The actual physical expression of dominance is so different from person to person. Maybe it is not something she does not have in her, not a lack, but simply her profile?

In general, not talking about you or anything here:

you often hear about a sub or a dom who thinks their partner is not a real sub or dom, simply because they do not exactly match your own desires.
I think it is a problem in many cases and could destroy potentially good relationships. However, if you can accept differences maybe you can learn to deal with them?

[davina_]

I am sometimes wondering if - I don't know - if much thought is steered by wishful thinking. By longing.

If we have a wish for how we would like to be treated, maybe we tend to think that our partner must somehow be the mirroring of our desires. But we are all so different!

What if your partner is totally satisfied with what she has? The actual physical expression of dominance is so different from person to person. Maybe it is not something she does not have in her, not a lack, but simply her profile?

In general, not talking about you or anything here:

you often hear about a sub or a dom who thinks their partner is not a real sub or dom, simply because they do not exactly match your own desires.
I think it is a problem in many cases and could destroy potentially good relationships. However, if you can accept differences maybe you can learn to deal with them?

That really does make a lot of sense, thank you for that reply. She does seem quite happy and satisfied. I try to go to extreme lengths to figure out what she likes and so far, what I have learned is that she needs someone to care for her, love her, and most of all, respect her. We are both professionals and work hard. So our play-time is limited. Sometimes, I think what makes her the happiest is when I do the majority of the housework before she has a chance to get to it. Tends to make her sparkle a little bit. Then, some TLC does the rest. She is the best thing to ever happen to me and I want nothing more than to further her happiness. She does admit my fantasies are kinky and she loves kinky but she says she is just not good at it. It's all kind of weird so I just keep searching for those little things that bring a smile to her face.

I also liked your previous post about seeing three different perspectives and not really being able to understand the mindset of each. I guess it really is a completely individual thing for each and every one of us.

[thir]

So our play-time is limited.

Made me wonder - does she even have the time to find out where she is with this? Sometimes you just have to be off the daily vortex of things to do to be able to switch your mindset to other things - or so I have found myself.

She does admit my fantasies are kinky and she loves kinky but she says she is just not good at it.

Do you know what she means by not being good at it? What, to her, is good at it? If she loves it, that sounds like potential to me! Would it help if you told she is not supposed to be 'good at it' as much as enjoy it? ;-)

I also liked your previous post about seeing three different perspectives and not really being able to understand the mindset of each. I guess it really is a completely individual thing for each and every one of us.

I believe with all my heart that it is, even if some things may overlap. So I also believe that it is a journey for each of us to find our very own way. Good luck :-)

[davina_]

Excellent posts thir, that makes so much sense, I was orriginally going to post back to brneyedgirl that if we swapped genders, I could say the very same thing, but then I got to thinking about it. Mostly, I thought of that Mic Jagger song, "You Can't always get What You Want.." And then I thought it came down to appreciating what I have instead of dwelling on what I don't. She is an incredible wife. I just feel sometimes I went about things the wrong way even though I tried to introduce her to it form the onset of our relationship, no secrets if you know what I mean. She originally thought she would love the dominant role so I think there's hope. I just have to find the right way to approach it.

[brwneydgirl]

I was orriginally going to post back to brneyedgirl that if we swapped genders, I could say the very same thing, but then I got to thinking about it.

I'm not sure I'd make a very good man...I just know I'd have one hand on my dick all day long! LOL

[davina_]

I'm not sure I'd make a very good man...I just know I'd have one hand on my dick all day long! LOL

Nothing wrond with that, as long as you had a paddle in the other, or at least one of those little remote controls that operated a shock collar or something. Just something to get the responces you so richly deserve. ;-)

[Ozme52]

Yes... we do!! You'd fit right in.