My second attempt at an introduction

[Uncertain_Curiosity]

Actually, I've been writing my introduction all morning. Its must my second attempt at trying to get it to post. I'm sorry if there ends up being two introductory posts. I'm a wanker what can I say.

I really hate trying to describe myself to others. I worry about coming off as insecure or coming off as cocky. So I'm going to just hold my breath and jump right in if ya'll don't mind. Please forgive any typos I am after all holding my breath and typing fast. lol

I grew up in a abusive home, was raped at a very young age and I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with some of the more disturbing and graphic fantasies I've been experiancing.

And it would appear that the more I educate myself on this particular lifestyle the more confused I become. At least I can honestly say that I definatly hold a lot of empathy in my heart for dyslexics.

For the most part my childhood does not bother me. I've laid my demons to rest and forgiven those who needed forgiving including myself.

What bothers me is that if I am right and my past does have some forboding unforseen prescence in the choices I make then I must re-evaluate sanity.

I've always considered myself a sane person but to survive the home life that I did and to come out with a positive attitude about life in general is almost unheard of. And I was seriously proud of myself.

Until about four years ago when I started dating. Thats when the morbidly frightening dreams and fantasy started. I feel like everyone can read my thoughts and its honestly not the most comfortable feeling to have.

I want a normal vanilla life.
A home without fear
A husband who loves and adores me
Babies
A dog and
The friggen white picket fence

But, then out of the blue I terrify myself with my thoughts. I've started seeing a therapist who said I could be finding safety in what I know or this could very well be something I need in my life. But, how can that even be considered sane?

I've dated several vanilla boys and the entire time I'm with them I feel like my skin doesn't fit. Its the most disgusting feeling.

I think I'm too confused to properly introduce myself so thats about all you get at the moment. Sorry

[Havensov]

Welcome to the forums...

Interesting introduction, I am not a therapist, so am afraid that i can not give you any help there. But what i can tell you is that you have found the right place.

If you have questions about BDSM, yourself, and what you want out of BDSM, then you will find it here, and possibly with three different takes on that matter (I think about the only thing we all agree on is our differences). Take a look around, see what you like, see how it works, and with out a doubt do not be afraid of asking questions about things you don't know. The worst you will get is pointed in the right direction.

Enjoy!

[MrDom]

welcome and there are a lot of people to talk to here if you would like to chat put in a form or ask anyone.


MrDom

[Uncertain_Curiosity]

I will. I'm just trying to figure out where my questions belong is all and then I'll try to figure out where to start. Unfortunatly, usually when I get the answer to one question ten more pop up.

[Havensov]

And thats just fine, the more questions you ask, the more you will learn.

But the most fruitfull answers come from the questions you ask yourself.

[Uncertain_Curiosity]

O self analysis what fun!!!

NOT!!

NO seriously I've been asking myself a lot of questions and for the most part I haven't really come up with any answer's. But, thats because I haven't got a strong enough base knowledge. Do I even make sense? lol

Like my first question...How can you love someone and the next second whip them?

How can you trust someone who gets off on seeing you cry?

I'd think that eventually it would eat your soul.

[cariad]

Like my first question...How can you love someone and the next second whip them?

Well I do hope you discover the answer to that - because when you have you might be able to fully explain to me why it is so wonderful when someone very special hurts me, and why it just makes me love them all them more. I know the answer at a superficial level, but have never been able to come up with an answer which I am fully satisfied with.

Oh - and by the way, welcome to Forums!

cariad

[Havensov]

Ok, well lets start there...

How can you love someone and the next second whip them?

If you love someone then making them happy makes you happy... Giving them what they want makes them happy... Whipping them makes them happy.... there by making you happy.

But thats a very very short version of it. And thats really only applies to masochists and sadists, and they make up only a some of the BDSM people.

What is sounds to me like is that you are fighting stereotyping and what you consider "Taboo". What one person thinks is freaky, another will think is kinky, and yet another will think that of it as day to day.

Coming to terms with what turns you on is only the first step. But to answer you real questions, there is no answer, they just do.

[Uncertain_Curiosity]

You do know that didn't really help any right?

I for the most part do not like getting hurt. Its not like I actively search out pain but for some unknown reason the ouside has to hurt as much as the inside to feel better. I don't get it, I don't expect you to.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Just learn to relax because you'll never have all the answers, and neither does anyone else. *grins* I also have a deeply rooted desire to be punished. I don't try to figure out why. I don't care to be normal, whatever that is. I've been there and done that. But I am rambling, so if you ever wanna talk, just leave me a PM.

[elyse]

Welcome to the forums, Uncertain_Curiousity, and thank you for opening up and telling us about yourself --- i know that can't have been easy.

It's also not easy to untangle 'what we truly desire' from 'what we've been programmed to expect'. And just because we have these dark fantasies doesn't mean we can't have the house, the dog, picket fence the adoring husband and the happy normal family. Sometimes it just means that we like to fantasize about being bound by that adoring husband to that fence with the dog's leash (or tying hubby to it).

Just keep talking to us. You're among friends.
hugs,
elyse

[Stone]

well we are all still learning exactly what we want and like and are willing to do its all a part of the human experance.We are all constantly learning about ourselfs and eachother.I love my precious little slut and she loves me and yes i can whip her the next minute but it is done out of love and giving her what she wants.I will admit it makes my cock hard doing so.As far as the pain inside i dont think that has anything to do with her wanting pain on the outside she just likes to be spanked and paddled and to have no control over what i am going to do.If either of us has pain inside its me i am bi-polar so i know pain well thats on the inside.My advise to you is to try out what you are interested in and giv it a go you will know if its what you like or not in no time.