Third assignment for Mishka

[Dragon's muse]

Your opening line is

Monica wielded the broom as if earthly time were quickly running out and eternal damnation awaited anyone who left an unswept floor.

[Mishka]

Monica wielded the broom as if earthly time was quickly running out and eternal damnation awaited anyone who left an unswept floor. Dumping the contents of the dustpan into the garbage can and tossing the broom into the closet, she kneeled in front of the door as her Master’s key turned in the lock.

“Hello, Love,” he said with a smile, stuffing the small pile of mail into her mouth and walking into the kitchen for his dinner. She stood, her heartbeat slowing from her cleaning frenzy. She placed the pile of bills on the desk for her to fill out before he left for work in the morning.

“How was your day, Sir?” she asked, following him into the kitchen, and giving him a routine kiss on the lips. He grabbed a handful of nuts to nosh on and went to fix himself a drink.

“Fine, fine. Busy as usual.” He sat down at the table sipping his scotch. Monica removed the casserole from the oven and carried it to the table. She served him a large helping and returned to the kitchen to get the vegetables. After serving she took her place, sitting on the floor next to his chair. After a few bites he placed a small bowl with a helping for her on the floor.

“How was your day?” She stopped mid-bite. He rarely asked her about her day. They spoke of other things usually. He set her daily routine, so the only reason to discuss it would be if something were going to change, or, God forbid, she had neglected something.

“The same, Sir,” she gulped. She sat up, and he petted her head. He smiled.

“The way you were crashing about before I came in, I thought perhaps you had to rush to get your chores done. My schedule for you is well planned. So what were you doing today?”

It was now or never. Bravely, she stood and looked into his eyes. She reached up and unbuckled her collar and placed it gently on the table. “Packing,” she whispered.

He was dumbfounded, she could tell by the look in his eyes. He wasn’t expecting this. She must have been a confusing slave to live with. Her chores would be done perfectly one day, and the apartment was a mess the next. She used to accept punishment without argument, even gratefully, but for several months she took it with resentment. Today was the same. She had packed some things, hidden the boxes, made phone calls to make changes on the bills. He never looked at them; only she handled their finances, so he had no idea. Then she caught up with her chores for fear of failing in her duties. Hence, her frenzied state when he came home.

She walked to the bedroom and dressed. She took her suitcase out from under their bed. When she looked up there he was in the doorway. “At least stay and explain.” She didn’t want to speak, so she just looked at the floor. She was hurting the man she loved for 10 years, who she was bound to. “Please.”

Her head snapped up. She hadn’t heard a request for nine and a half years. She swallowed. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this anymore.” It was true. It shocked her to see the change within herself. “I don’t want to stay at home all day. I don’t want to cook for you. I don’t want to clean the apartment just the way you want it. I don’t want to be punished anymore.”

“When did this happen?” he asked loudly. She could see his shock, anger, confusion, and sadness all crossing his face.
“Nine months ago. I looked out the window and wanted to go out, but couldn’t. I was in shackles that day. I hadn’t done the bills the night before, so you put me on house arrest until it was time to go grocery shopping again. I needed to get out. I thought I would go crazy if I didn’t get outside. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I opened every window but it didn’t help.”

“You’ve never said a word.” He stood rooted to his spot on the carpet.

“I made a promise. I thought it was PMS,” she laughed weakly. “I would be fine and then it seemed like I had never been fine. The bad days made all the good days seem small in comparison to how miserable I felt. Then when I was fine again, I thought the bad days were just a blip.”

“Why are you leaving instead of talking to me about this first? You disrespect me that much? You had to do THIS?” His hand took in the suitcase, and her closet half empty, and his eyes widened. He never raised his voice, or lost his temper. This would be as far as he would go in front of her.

“I did. Four months ago. I tried several times and you gave me pats on the head, some spankings for being a “bratty” sub, and you smiled. I thought you knew when I was being serious. I’ve tried since then, but I just didn’t know what to say. Everything I rehearsed in my head was too confusing to put into words.”

He walked towards her, rubbed her arms with his hands, as if to warm her heart by warming her physically. “Don’t do this. Not this way.”

She looked up at him and asked, “I have to pack up and go for you to hear me out?”

“Where were you planning to go? Who knew about this before I did?”

“Just Maddie. She needs a roommate while Helen is away.” He looked down at the floor and let go of her arms. She didn’t want to talk anymore. Not right now. They would talk later. She walked to the front door.

He turned around to her, “How long?” She stopped to face him, too. “How long will Helen be gone?”

“Just the summer.”

He nodded. “You’ll be back for things.” She nodded. “We need to talk more about this.”

She stood silent for a minute. This was a good thing, she thought. This would work out for the best for them both.
“I hoped you’d want to.” Then she left, closing the door softly behind her.

[Dragon's muse]

WOW! This is very nice. The conflicting emotions in both of them are nearly palpable. Dialogue rings true. Pacing and flow are very well modulated. There is a clear cut beginning, middle and end. The only things i might add are more details about physical things. The aroma of the casserole, the glossy finish of the wood on the desk, flushed face from exertion when he arrived -- little things like that really bring the reader into the story. All in all sufficient to get you kicked upstairs to Level II to Aussiegirl.

Of course, i have to pick a nit or two. (i have a reputation to uphold, yanno)

Congratulations newest graduate of level I.

Monica wielded the broom as if earthly time was quickly running out and eternal damnation awaited anyone who left an unswept floor. Dumping the contents of the dustpan into the garbage can and tossing the broom into the closet, she kneeled "knelt" might have been the better word choice here, but that is just a personal preference.) in front of the door as her Master’s key turned in the lock.

“Hello, Love,” he said with a smile, stuffing the small pile of mail into her mouth and walking into the kitchen for his dinner. She stood, her heartbeat slowing from her cleaning frenzy. She placed the pile of bills on the desk for her to fill out before he left for work in the morning.

“How was your day, Sir?” she asked (delete -- 99% of dialogue tags are unnecessary), following him into the kitchen, and giving him a routine kiss on the lips. He grabbed a handful of nuts to nosh on and went to fix himself a drink.

“Fine, fine. Busy as usual.” He sat down at the table sipping his scotch. Monica removed the casserole from the oven and carried it to the table. She served him a large helping and returned to the kitchen to get the vegetables. After serving (delete -- unnecessary)she took her place, sitting on the floor next to his chair. After a few bites he placed a small bowl with a helping for her on the floor. (Just another word choice thing, but i might change "helping" to "portion" -- gives a better flow and takes away some of the dialect feel. Dialect is fine in pure dialogue, but in the transitions and expositions it is usually better to stay with more standard usage.)

“How was your day?” Start a new paragraph here She stopped mid-bite. He rarely asked her about her day. They spoke of other things usually. He set her daily routine, so the only reason to discuss it would be if something were going to change, (delete)or, God forbid, she had neglected something.

“The same, Sir,” she gulped. She sat up, and he petted her head. He smiled.

“The way you were crashing about before I came in, I thought perhaps you had to rush to get your chores done. My schedule for you is well planned. So what were you doing today?”

It was now or never. Bravely, she stood and looked into his eyes. She reached up and unbuckled her collar and placed it gently on the table. “Packing,” she whispered.

He was dumbfounded,(need a semicolon here) she could tell by the look in his eyes. He wasn’t expecting this. She must have been a confusing slave to live with. Her chores would be done perfectly one day, and the apartment was a mess the next. She used to accept punishment without argument, even gratefully, but for several months she took ('taken' is the word you want here)it with resentment. Today was the same. She had packed some things, hidden the boxes, made phone calls to make changes on the bills. He never looked at them; only she handled their finances, so he had no idea. Then she caught up with her chores for fear of failing in her duties. Hence, her frenzied state when he came home.

She walked to the bedroom and dressed. She took her suitcase out from under their bed. When she looked up there he was in the doorway. “At least stay and explain.” She didn’t want to speak, so she just looked at the floor. She was hurting the man she loved for 10 years, who she was bound to. “Please.”

Her head snapped up. She hadn’t heard a request for nine and a half years. She swallowed. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this anymore.” It was true. It had shocked her to see the change within herself. “I don’t want to stay at home all day. I don’t want to cook for you. I don’t want to clean the apartment just the way you want it. I don’t want to be punished anymore.”

“When did this happen?” he asked loudly. She could see his (delete)shock, anger, confusion, and sadness all crossing his face.
“Nine months ago. I looked out the window and wanted to go out, but couldn’t. I was in shackles that day. I hadn’t done the bills the night before, so you put me on house arrest until it was time to go grocery shopping again. I needed to get out. I thought I would go crazy if I didn’t get outside. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I opened every window but it didn’t help.”

“You’ve never said a word.” He stood rooted to his spot on the carpet.

“I made a promise. I thought it was PMS,” she laughed weakly. “I would be fine and then it seemed like I had never been fine. The bad days made all the good days seem small in comparison to how miserable I felt. Then when I was fine again, I thought the bad days were just a blip.”

“Why are you leaving instead of talking to me about this first? You disrespect me that much? You had to do THIS?” His hand took in the suitcase, and her closet half empty, and his eyes widened. He never raised his voice, or lost his temper. This would be as far as he would go in front of her.

“I did. Four months ago. I tried several times and you gave me pats on the head, some spankings for being a “bratty” sub, and you smiled. I thought you knew when I was being serious. I’ve tried since then, but I just didn’t know what to say. Everything I rehearsed in my head was too confusing to put into words.”

He walked towards her, rubbed her arms with his hands, as if to warm her heart by warming her physically. “Don’t do this. Not this way.”

She looked up at him and asked, “I have to pack up and go for you to hear me out?”

“Where were you planning to go? Who knew about this before I did?”

“Just Maddie. She needs a roommate while Helen is away.” He looked down at the floor and let go of her arms. She didn’t want to talk anymore. Not right now. They would talk later. She walked to the front door.

He turned around to her, “How long?” She stopped to face him, too. “How long will Helen be gone?”

“Just the summer.”

He nodded. “You’ll be back for things.” She nodded. “We need to talk more about this.”

She stood silent for a minute. This was a good thing, she thought. This would work out for the best for them both.
“I hoped you’d want to.” Then she left, closing the door softly behind her.

[Rhabbi]

This is a good story, though personally I would prefer to see something different. I hate to see a sub leaving a Dom because he was inattentive. It makes me feel that I am missing something because you wrote it also.

Congratulations on completeing Level 1 and I look forward to seeing you in Level 2.

[Mishka]

Thank you Dragon's Muse. If I didn't want input (no matter how excessive) I wouldn't be here. Actually, that's not quite true. I welcome the input because of my personality, I'd still be here regardless because Rhabbi told me to.

Sir, You have never been inattentive.

[Mad Lews]

Mishka
All and all a great intro for a story. You've taken your assignment in an unexpected direction and that will hook the reader. I know I want to find out what happens. Is it really over or is it just another beginning. Must agree with DM ( Dungeon Mistress? OH sorry Dragon's Muse) on knelt and kneeled, I've never known how to use or pronounce the latter.
On a more personal aside, try not to make Rhabbi too nervous. I know how that goes. My sally can get pretty worried when she reads some of my fiction. It's only fiction I tell her, but feelings are feelings.
Mad Lews

[Dragon's muse]

Mishka
DM ( Dungeon Mistress? OH sorry Dragon's Muse)
Mad Lews

Please, i don't have a "toppy" bone in my body (except when it comes to the dreaded comma splice or split infinitive -- then i go all bat-chyt crazy)

[Rhabbi]

Please, i don't have a "toppy" bone in my body (except when it comes to the dreaded comma splice or split infinitive -- then i go all bat-chyt crazy)

I seem to recall a few times that you were quiet hard on my stories. That was a definate Domme type thing, though I know i appreciated every comment.

[Dragon's muse]

I seem to recall a few times that you were quiet hard on my stories. That was a definate Domme type thing, though I know i appreciated every comment.

The line between Domme-type : and just plain grammar nazi is a very fine one. i think i have both feet planted very firmly on it.

[Mad Lews]

Please, i don't have a "toppy" bone in my body (except when it comes to the dreaded comma splice or split infinitive -- then i go all bat-chyt crazy)

Just musing over the initials DM; sometimes serendipity is pure coincidence but other times it can be a Freudian bra, er slip, Freudian slip

[Dragon's muse]

Freudian slip, isn't that when you say one thing but mean your mother??

[Beswitchingly Positive]

Finally a scene where a submissive woman stands up for herself. I shouldn't say that, being new and all, but all I seen a few barely believable compliant sub stories, and was hoping to see something more like this.

I liked your dialogue, I thought it convincing and felt the tension in that scene. This is the woman who makes up for all the characters that just go on dumbly suffering at the hands of a insensitive maniacs!

Will the next trick be to write an incredibly sexy make up scene? I could see them having that kind of tension, too. Yum. Very nice. Kneeled and knelt and all the red marks aside. One of the helpful people here pointed out to me that editing gets easier the more you do it.

[Mad Lews]

This is the woman who makes up for all the characters that just go on dumbly suffering at the hands of a insensitive maniacs!

Hey play nice, some of us maniacs are very sensitive
Yours
Lews

[Beswitchingly Positive]

I was playing nice, darn, I thought I was.

I was not pointing at anyone, Mad Lews, don't get upset ya'll. I did not mean to imply the man in this piece was an insensitive maniac either, it was just a scene, a brief vingnette, but it struck a chord seeing the female submissive stand up and use her power to fix things. It was sweet.

[Mad Lews]

I was playing nice, darn, I thought I was.

I was not pointing at anyone, Mad Lews, don't get upset ya'll. I did not mean to imply the man in this piece was an insensitive maniac either, it was just a scene, a brief vingnette, but it struck a chord seeing the female submissive stand up and use her power to fix things. It was sweet.

BP
I know you were, I think Lews was just funnin ya.

I do agree there are a lot of two dimensional sub characters inhabiting the story archives. They tend to be as interesting as a crash test dummy and not quite that believable.Then again that stuff is popular with a certain mindset.

Yours
Mad

[Rhabbi]

I do agree there are a lot of two dimensional sub characters inhabiting the story archives. They tend to be as interesting as a crash test dummy and not quite that believable.Then again that stuff is popular with a certain mindset.

Yours
Mad

I agree with you Mad, I hate 2 dimensional characters of any type. Being a romantic I just hate to see a relationship end, especially the way this one is. The fact that this charater can pack up and move out under this man's nose shows that he was inexcusably innattentive.