Assignment 1 by anonymouse

[anonymouse]

Forbidden Fruits

I've never liked management seminars. From the moment you arrive, you're treated like a five-year-old attending school for the very first time. At the registration table, bright, shiny kids fresh out of management school present you with a bright, shiny name badge and an 'information pack' that looks like it was assembled by Ronald McDonald. Then you're herded into an auditorium and forced to endure hours of PowerPoint presentations; animated words dance on the screen around stick-figure drawings that supposedly represent 'your staff' or 'your clients'. For heaven's sake! I work in a department store and they're not clients; they're customers! What's wrong with calling them customers?

The lunch break provided blessed relief from the monotony of the morning sessions. Ordinarily I would have had a glass of red wine with my chicken salad but, since none was offered I settled for juice. Others at my table appeared to be content with their Perrier water and fizzy sports drinks. I ate silently and prayed nobody would engage me in conversation.

"May I join you?"

I looked up in the direction of the voice. A fresh-faced young blond man with the most dazzling blue eyes I've ever seen smiled down at me. The chunk of tomato in my mouth refused to be swallowed unless I chewed.

"Mmm," I nodded. His warm smile immediately melted me.

"Thank you."

I detected the hint of an accent in his voice; Scandinavian, maybe Danish. He placed his plate and drink on the table then sat beside me.

"I'm Mark," he said.

"Ingrid," I replied. The sweet scent of his cologne engulfed my senses. I dabbed my lips with a napkin, partly out of habit but mostly to conceal a hot flush I felt suddenly come over me. 'Juice. Drink some juice,' I said to myself. He stared at me; I could feel it.

"I see you chose the chicken as well," said Mark.

"Yes," I smiled back at him. I caught a glimpse of his eyes again but dared not look too long for fear he'd mesmerize me. His smile too - such beautiful white teeth and soft, almost voluptuous, lips.

"How are you enjoying it?" Mark asked.

"Oh, it's very nice," I replied.

"Yes. I'm looking forward to the workshop session after lunch," Mark said.

'Stupid!' a voice in my head yelled. 'He's talking about the seminar, not the food!'

"Oh yes, the seminar," I said. It was too late to tell him what I really thought about that and besides, he clearly sounded like he enjoyed it. I resumed eating.

"Do you have a partner for the workshop?" Mark asked.

It was impossible to answer until I swallowed, and this was difficult now because his question caused a knot to form in my stomach. 'He's going to ask me to be his partner,' said the voice in my head. "No," I finally managed to say.

"Would you mind?" he asked.

"With you?" I replied.

"If you don't mind," Mark smiled.

His eyes caught mine. I felt a tingle run down my spine that left in its wake a trail of goose bumps.

"I should warn you I'm not very good at role-play," I said. I had to say something; anything to get my mind off his eyes.

He leaned very close and whispered, "I'll teach you."

It was as if he'd physically breached an invisible force field around me and the electricity of his proximity paralyzed me. I gripped my knife and fork tightly in my hands. "Mmm," I responded. The utterance resonated through my chest.

Mark leaned away and casually continued to eat his meal. I had to consciously command my hands to operate my knife and fork again. In the long silence that ensued, my jangled nerves slowly settled. 'Just relax, and remember to breathe,' the voice in my head reassured me.

Mark's voice saying 'I'll teach you' resounded over and over in my mind. I desperately wanted to ask, 'Are you flirting with me?' but the question seemed preposterous. Surely he wasn't, but I felt compelled to ask. "So, you can teach me to be a tree?"

"Pardon me?"

Mark suddenly looked directly at me and smiled.

'Oh god,' I thought. 'Now I'm flirting with him! Think, Ingrid. Think!'

"Every time I go to one of these seminars, they always have a role-play workshop," I said. "They're ridiculous! Grown adults told to 'imagine you're a tree' or 'imagine you're a rock' and then forced to act it. I'm sorry but my staff prefer to be managed by a real human being - not a tree or a rock."

Mark stared at me with a sort of blank look for a moment and then laughed loudly. "That's funny!"

I was actually serious, but his laughter was infectious and I laughed as well.

"Is that what they do here?" Mark asked. "Really?"

"Yes. Why, what did you think these role-play workshops involved?"

"Well, back in Sweden we used to do one that was based on that movie The Secretary. Do you know the movie?"

My thoughts suddenly reeled at Mark's question. Yes, I did know the movie and secretly loved the office scenes in it. I took more time than was necessary to chew and swallow my mouthful of food. Mark seemed to study me while he waited patiently for my answer.

"I've seen it," I finally said.

"Did you like it?" he asked.

I sensed an invisible trap about to spring.

"It was interesting," I replied.

"Interesting."

I wasn't sure whether Mark said it to echo my appraisal, or whether it was an expression of a deeper thought I now suspected he had about me. A cold wash of numbness crept through me followed by a tingling sensation all over as anxiety and guilt gripped me. "Yes, interesting," I said in an effort to deflect the conversation back to the movie.

Mark turned sideways in his chair to face me fully. "Yes, you are interesting," he said in a matter-of-fact tone.

My ears and face began to burn from the rush of sudden embarrassment. I would have reached for the comfort of my drink if my arms hadn't suddenly become like lead. Mark smiled at me - a curious smile, seemingly more to himself than at me. I wanted to smile back but the muscles in my face required for that ceased to serve me. My conscience began to speak loudly and repeated, 'No. No. No!'

"So, do you want to be my partner for the role-play?" Mark asked.

It felt as if my heart physically leapt up my throat as the reply gushed from my mouth, "Yes!"


The end.

[Rhabbi]

First impression, very good story. I would have liked to see more, but with your levle of and reputation for teasing, what can I expect. Good job. will let it perculate and give a more dtailed critique tomorrow.

[anonymouse]

Thank you Rhabbi I look forward to your critique.

anonymouse

PS: I wanted to say 'Yes!' when I first laid eyes on him, but that would have made it a very short story ;-)

[tessa]

I so very much enjoyed your story, anonymouse!!! I love it when a writer strings words together in such a way that allows me to imagine exactly what is seen, heard, tasted and felt. It left me wanting more and more.

Umm...will there be more about Mark and Ingrid? Please say 'yes'?

tessa

[anonymouse]

Yes, there's a good chance I will continue this one. I have several others in progress at the moment, but soon

anonymouse

[tessa]

Yes, there's a good chance I will continue this one. I have several others in progress at the moment, but soon

anonymouse

That's good to know!!

[Dragon's muse]

i like this a lot. The first line is a nice hook. You give a perfect synopsis of most seminars and the frustration they engender. You make me feel her visceral reaction to this blue-eyed blonde. Wonderful job. i will get your second assignment up today.

Forbidden Fruits

I've never liked management seminars. From the moment you arrive, you're treated like a five-year-old attending school for the very first time. At the registration table, bright, shiny kids fresh out of management school present you with a bright, shiny name badge and an 'information pack' that looks like it was assembled by Ronald McDonald. Then you're herded into an auditorium and forced to endure hours of PowerPoint presentations; animated words dance on the screen around stick-figure drawings that supposedly represent 'your staff' or 'your clients'. For heaven's sake! I work in a department store and they're not clients; they're customers! What's wrong with calling them customers?

The lunch break provided blessed relief from the monotony of the morning sessions. Ordinarily I would have had a glass of red wine with my chicken salad but, since none was offered, (delete) I settled for juice. Others at my table appeared to be content with their Perrier water and fizzy sports drinks. I ate silently and prayed nobody would engage me in conversation.

"May I join you?"

I looked up in the direction of the voice. A fresh-faced young blond man with the most dazzling blue eyes I've ever seen smiled down at me. The chunk of tomato in my mouth refused to be swallowed unless I chewed.

"Mmm," I nodded. His warm smile immediately melted me.

"Thank you."

I detected the hint of an accent in his voice; Scandinavian, maybe Danish. He placed his plate and drink on the table then sat beside me.

"I'm Mark," he said.

"Ingrid," I replied. The sweet scent of his cologne engulfed my senses. I dabbed my lips with a napkin, partly out of habit but mostly to conceal a hot flush I felt suddenly come over me. 'Juice. Drink some juice,' I said to myself. He stared at me; I could feel it.

"I see you chose the chicken, as well," said Mark.

"Yes," I smiled back at him. I caught a glimpse of his eyes again but dared not look too long for fear he'd mesmerize me. His smile too; (this should be a dash or a comma here. a semicolon is used to join two independent clauses)such beautiful white teeth and soft, almost voluptuous, lips.

"How are you enjoying it?" Mark asked.

"Oh, it's very nice," I replied.

"Yes. I'm looking forward to the workshop session after lunch," Mark said.

'Stupid!' a voice in my head yelled. 'He's talking about the seminar, not the food!'

"Oh yes, the seminar," I said. It was too late to tell him what I really thought about that and besides, he clearly sounded like he enjoyed it. I resumed eating.

"Do you have a partner for the workshop?" Mark asked.

It was impossible to answer until I swallowed, and this was difficult now because his question caused a knot to form in my stomach. 'He's going to ask me to be his partner,' said the voice in my head. "No," I finally managed to say.

"Would you mind?" he asked.

"With you?" I replied.

"If you don't mind," Mark smiled.

His eyes caught mine. I felt a tingle run down my spine that left in its wake a trail of goose bumps.

"I should warn you I'm not very good at role-play," I said. I had to say something; anything to get my mind off his eyes.

He leaned very close and whispered, "I'll teach you."

It was as if he'd physically breached an invisible force field around me and the electricity of his proximity paralyzed me. I gripped my knife and fork tightly in my hands. "Mmm," I responded. The utterance resonated through my chest.

Mark leaned away and casually continued to eat his meal. I had to consciously command my hands to operate my knife and fork again. In the long silence that ensued, my jangled nerves slowly settled. 'Just relax, and remember to breathe,' the voice in my head reassured me.

Mark's voice saying 'I'll teach you' resounded over and over in my mind. I desperately wanted to ask, 'Are you flirting with me?' but the question seemed preposterous. Surely he wasn't, but I felt compelled to ask. "So, you can teach me to be a tree?"

"Pardon me?"

Mark suddenly looked directly at me and smiled.

'Oh god,' I thought. 'Now I'm flirting with him! Think, Ingrid. Think!'

"Every time I go to one of these seminars, they always have a role-play workshop," I said. "They're ridiculous! Grown adults told to 'imagine you're a tree' or 'imagine you're a rock' and then forced to act it. I'm sorry but my staff prefer to be managed by a real human being - not a tree or a rock."

Mark stared at me with a sort of blank look for a moment and then laughed loudly. "That's funny!"

I was actually serious, but his laughter was infectious and I laughed as well.

"Is that what they do here?" Mark asked. "Really?"

"Yes. Why, what did you think these role-play workshops involved?"

"Well, back in Sweden we used to do one that was based on that movie The Secretary. Do you know the movie?"

My thoughts suddenly reeled at Mark's question. Yes, I did know the movie and secretly loved the office scenes in it. I took more time than was necessary to chew and swallow my mouthful of food. Mark seemed to study me while he waited patiently for my answer.

"I've seen it," I finally said.

"Did you like it?" he asked.

I felt a sense of (this is a bit redundant, stick with either "felt an invisible trap. . . . " or "sensed an invisible trap")an invisible trap about to spring.

"It was interesting," I replied.

"Interesting."

I wasn't sure whether Mark said it to echo my appraisal, or whether it was an expression of a deeper thought I now suspected he had about me. At first,(delete -- unnecessary) a cold wash of numbness crept through me followed by a tingling sensation all over as anxiety and guilt gripped me. "Yes, interesting," I said in an effort to deflect the conversation back to the movie.

Mark turned sideways in his chair to face me fully. "Yes, you are interesting," he said in a matter-of-fact tone.

My ears and face began to burn from the rush of sudden embarrassment. I would have reached for the comfort of my drink if my arms hadn't suddenly become like lead. Mark smiled at me;(you should go with a comma here or perhaps a dash would heighten the emotional impact) a curious smile, seemingly more to himself than at me. I wanted to smile back but the muscles in my face required for that ceased to serve me. My conscience began to speak loudly and repeated, 'No. No. No!'

"So, do you want to be my partner for the role-play?" Mark asked.

It felt as if my heart physically leapt up my throat as the reply gushed from my mouth, "Yes!"


The end.

[anonymouse]

Thank you for the revisions, Dragon's Muse.

The accursed comma. I see you have them and aren't afraid to use them. hehe I'm curious as to why you inserted a comma into this line:

"I see you chose the chicken, as well," said Mark.

I'm actually going to rewrite the line to this:

"I see you also chose the chicken," said Mark.

With regards to semi-colons and dashes, I used to use dashes all the time but have been trying to ween myself off them. I understand the 'independent clauses' use of semi-colons, but aren't they also correct as a 'soft' period or full stop? ie: a break in the flow that is longer than a comma but shorter than a full stop.

anonymouse

[Rhabbi]

OK, since Dragon's muse has done the picky parts, I will just flow with my thoughts.

First, I seem to remeber a post about a perfect seduction requiring metaphores. I must have missed them here. lol

I really love the way that you brought about the seduction is such a subtle manner. The only reference to sex in the story was her thoughts about the movie, and those only if you know the movie. (I hope I am thinking of the same movie.) I really like the way he put two and two together and the way he looked at her after she replied to the question.

And then:

"So, do you want to be my partner for the role-play?" Mark asked.

It felt as if my heart physically leapt up my throat as the reply gushed from my mouth, "Yes!"

Perfect ending!

The only real critique I would have is writng in The End like you did. I do not think it was neccessary, just leave the reader wanting more, and wondering if it was coming.

[Dragon's muse]

Thank you for the revisions, Dragon's Muse.

The accursed comma. I see you have them and aren't afraid to use them. hehe I'm curious as to why you inserted a comma into this line:

"I see you chose the chicken, as well," said Mark.

I'm actually going to rewrite the line to this:

"I see you also chose the chicken," said Mark.

i like that better. good rewrite.

With regards to semi-colons and dashes, I used to use dashes all the time but have been trying to ween myself off them. I understand the 'independent clauses' use of semi-colons, but aren't they also correct as a 'soft' period or full stop? ie: a break in the flow that is longer than a comma but shorter than a full stop.

anonymouse

Semicolon rule: Whatever is on either side of the semicolon must be able to stand alone as a sentence.

[anonymouse]

OK, since Dragon's muse has done the picky parts, I will just flow with my thoughts.

First, I seem to remeber a post about a perfect seduction requiring metaphores. I must have missed them here. lol

hehe

I really love the way that you brought about the seduction is such a subtle manner. The only reference to sex in the story was her thoughts about the movie, and those only if you know the movie. (I hope I am thinking of the same movie.) I really like the way he put two and two together and the way he looked at her after she replied to the question.

When I first starting writing for an internet audience, I used to write 'stroke stories'. I still write them occasionally however, I personally prefer to write the sort of stories I like to read -- ie: stories with more subtlety. The audience for these isn't as large as it is for stroke stories but, as they say in show busines, 'a small audience is the cream of a large audience'.

RE: the movie, yes, it's the one that starred Maggie Whateverhernameis. I had originally intended to make a stronger connection and now that you've mentioned it, I may put those lines back in the story.

And then:

Perfect ending!

The only real critique I would have is writng in The End like you did. I do not think it was neccessary, just leave the reader wanting more, and wondering if it was coming.

That was just my silly little joke

anonymouse

[anonymouse]

Semicolon rule: Whatever is on either side of the semicolon must be able to stand alone as a sentence.

Noted

anonymouse

PS: Is there a time limit imposed on edits of a post? I've just noticed I can't go back and edit my original posting of the story anymore. The only option is to quote/remove quotes, edit, and repost.