HGZero's second Assignment

[Dragon's muse]

Using primarily dialogue -- bare minimum of exposition, narrative or description -- write me a scene of a power struggle, a test of wills between a couple who have been together for a long time.

Ready, set, write!

[HGZero]

A lover's quarrel.

"I want to quit," said Tom.

"You can't quit. Just knock on the door," said Linda.

"We can still stay together. I just don't want to do this anymore. Is this door made of iron?"

"Repaint a door often enough and it feels like it. You'd think they'd wana replace the door at some point," said Linda.

"I think it's real iron. Feel this."

"Reinforced. I guess all his money didn't go up his nose."

"Mr. Harrison! It's the cable company. We're here to install the HD. Could you please open the door?" asked Tom.

"You're too good to quit," said Linda. "Besides why would you want to quit?"

"Mr. Harrison?" Tom knocked on the door again. "I really don't want to discuss it."

"You can't drop a bomb like that on me and not want me to pry. I'm your wife. You didn't even run this by me," said Linda.

"I am running it by you. I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit."

The door clicked open. "If you're quitting then only the pretty lady can come in," said Harrison. "What the hell? You don't look like normal cable guys. What's with the suits? Ooof!"

"Thank you. I hate it when they stare. Can you drag him back in?" asked Linda.

"Have you ever considered being empowered and doing it yourself?" asked Tim.

"I didn't quite hear you. You were saying something about swearing off sex for a month?"

"Fine! He's just so heavy and sweaty. How am I suppose to get a good grip on a robe? Can you at least get his feet?"

"Like this? Oh Jesus, Tim, I can see right up to his jewels. It's like he's packing a can of spam."

"Sounds big."

"Single serving spam."

"I could make a good single serving joke but you made me give up jokes for our tenth anniversary," said Tim.

"You're just not good at it. Besides your last one almost got you killed. I'm just looking out for you."

"Your father was holding a whopper burger. I didn't even know Italians had racial slurs. Ok, I'm officially uncomfortable with the way you are staring at his package," said Tim.

"It's almost concave. I wana touch it. Would it be cheating?"

"Yes!"

"Ok, but what about after we kill him? It would be purely medical."

"My head," Harrison grabbed his forehead.

"You were pistol whipped. Grabbing doesn't help. Just stay still," said Linda.

"Why?" asked Harrison.

"You haven’t made a payment on your debt. It's time to pay up or we're going to kill you," said Tim.

"Tell Jimmy that I need more time!" Harrison's last word was strained and shouted as pain shot up his groin.

"Linda! Let go!"

"Balls don't count as cheating."

"They do!" shouted both Tim and Harrison.

"Ooooo!" moaned Harrison in pain.

"Oops," said Linda.

"Oops?" asked Tim.

"I think one popped? Why are you grabbing your?"

"Sympathy pains."

"Can you down him again? People are going to notice if he doesn't stop that sick moaning."

"If I quit you have to quit too," said Tim.

"Not now! Pistol whip him! We can talk about this later."

"Oh god! It feels like it's burning."

"See? You can't do this with out me," said Tim.

"Daddy would give me a new partner. Shut up!"

"That's his throat."

"So?" asked Linda.

"How is he going to tell us where the money is?"

"Shit. You're right. I'm not good at this," said Linda. "That's why you can't quit."

"Search the room, and if I quit you quit."

"If you tell me why you're quitting I might."

"I was watching the Sopranos DVDs your brother let me barrow and..."

"No, Tim, I told you not to watch that show. It's not real. It's all made up. Don't tell me it spooked
you," said Linda.

"It spooked me! There's nothing behind the book case."

"It's a drama show. This is exactly the same kind of freak out you had when we watched the God Father."

"Don't even joke about that," said Tim.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Nothing in the fridge. How can he be so big and have nothing in the fridge?"

"Tim, do you remember what dad said?"

"Linda, honey, sweetie, you weren't there. What ever story your dad told you after isn't what
happened when I talked about quitting the first time."

"He explained how it's a new mafia. No racial boundaries, no consolidation of power, and no worries about local cops," said Linda.

"Did he mention how he shoved a shotgun into my mouth while he gave me the speech?" asked Tim.

"Once, he was pretty drunk. I thought he might be making it up. It's not under the sink."

"It happened. He may have been drunk during the speech but it's hard to focus on anything when you taste old gun powder in your mouth. Are you really doing what I think you're doing?"

"My mother always said a clean room makes it easier to find things."

"I love your mother but I'm not sure how fast you're going to find money by applying Windex to his counters. Did you hear that?"

"What?"

"He's half way out the door! Wait," said Tim.

"I knew you could drag his body. Ew, his robe is riding up," said Linda.

"Stop cleaning and just toss the room. I don't wana stick around for much longer," said Tim.

"You can't quit. You're too good. I can't do this with out you."

"You make it sound so final."

"Well it kinda is. You can't leave the mob. An outsider can never leave."

"I thought we were in the new mafia."

"A hit man married to a boss's daughter leaves the mob? It doesn't happen. Accident's happen."

"Are you threatening me?" asked Tim.

"Why quit in the first place?"

"I want to start a family."

"That’s sweet. Really, it is, but you know I'm against bringing kids into the family," said Linda.

"Well if I quit I can focus on them."

"If anyone can quit it's me. Daddy would give us a small island if I quit working. He only lets me do it because I'm here with you. Do you see that?"

"Petty cash under the mattress. It's like thirty bucks in change. You can't quit."

"I can't?"

"I married you because I love you but I'll be frank. You're a killer."

"I can stop if I want to."

"I saw you eye Mr. Harrison after you crushed his throat. You were disappointed even before I scolded you."

"I though he'd suffocate."

"See?"

"Is it so bad?"

"Yes! It's not normal to take lives," said Tim.

"I know it's frowned on but, it is an instinct."

"It's a psychosis."

"Is he moving again?" asked Linda.

"There you go again!"

"No, I think he's trying for the door again."

"Looks like his briefcase."

"You don't think," said Linda.

"That he put cash in his briefcase to repay Jimmy Patone? Sounds reasonable."

"Open the briefcase."

"Oh, false alarm, it's just guns."

"He tried to kill us? Could you believe that?" asked Linda. "The nerve."

"Don't think we'll find the money? It's gona look real bad if the sweepers are the ones to make the score."

"That reminds me, we have dinner plans with Joey and his new girl this weekend," said Linda.

"The one from that club? That's it. I'm turning state's evidence. Witness protection and the nine yards. I can't stand the women Joey picks up," said Tim.

"Don't even joke about that. I'd have to ice you myself if I you turned to the DA."

"You'd kill me? Just like that? Oh my god! You've thought about it haven’t you!"

"In your sleep, an injection under your skull, you'd never even feel it. Besides it's not going to happen because you're not quitting."

"I hear they even relocate people to Hawaii if you're important enough."

"Tim!"

"Yes?"

"Did you really talk to the DA?"

"If you back my story up they promised we could have full immunity. Linda, watch where you point that thing!"

"You're gona rat us out?"

"The guy on the DVD," started Tim.

"The guy on the DVD gets shot! At sea! Tim! How could you?"

"I was thinking of our future."

"Tim?"

"Yes?"

"After tricking Mr. Harrison into opening the door you proceeded to interrogate him."

"What are you doing?"

"Mr. Harrison was injured badly but while you were looking though his home he was able to get to his gun."

"Linda, stop pointing that at me. This isn't funny."

"You turned around in time to see him pull the gun on you. His first shot went wide."

"That almost hit my head!" shouted Tim.

"His second one hit."

Bang.

"I'm so sorry. I wanted us to last forever, but you really suck at this job."

2 hours, a half empty gas can from the shed, and one match later; Tim quit.

[Rhabbi]

Very nice on the first read. I will look again later.

[H Dean]

I rather liked this. The dialog was realistic to the point that I could imagining such a thing actually happening. The dialog gave a thorough description of what all was going on and, spelling gaffes aside, this was very well executed.

I would like to see you get away from "said Tim" and "said Linda". You need to vary it a bit. Change it to "linda said" or "she said" or offer a small description of how it was said "She said in a stern tone" or something similar. I realize that the assignment was to have a minimum of description, but a little variation in the "he said/she said" would have helped this story on a bit.

Good job.

[Dragon's muse]

Just to let you know that i have seen this and will get on it tomorrow morning at the latest.

Wasn't that hard was it?

rose

[HGZero]

I rather liked this. The dialog was realistic to the point that I could imagining such a thing actually happening. The dialog gave a thorough description of what all was going on and, spelling gaffes aside, this was very well executed.

I would like to see you get away from "said Tim" and "said Linda". You need to vary it a bit. Change it to "linda said" or "she said" or offer a small description of how it was said "She said in a stern tone" or something similar. I realize that the assignment was to have a minimum of description, but a little variation in the "he said/she said" would have helped this story on a bit.

Good job.

Thank you. I had been thought from the school of thought that 'character said.' was kind of a mental blind spot in the reader's mind. In the normal course of a story I guess it makes more sense to think but when it's all dialogue it does stand out.

I tried to take a minimalist approach to description outside of the dialogue because that’s what I thought the assignment asked for. I'll keep the suggestion in mind.

[Dragon's muse]

Bravo!!! You did very well. I know that you would never write an entire story in dialogue, let alone an entire novel, but it is a good exercise, stretches the brain and lets you know just how much you can pack into a conversation.

Dialogue rings true and i get a clear sense of the story. i love the ending -- plot twists always get me.

On with the ceremonial picking of the nits, what few minor ones there are. i will get your next assignment up within the day.

A lover's quarrel.

"I want to quit," said Tom.

"You can't quit. Just knock on the door," said Linda.

"We can still stay together. I just don't want to do this anymore. Is this door made of iron?"

"Repaint a door often enough and it feels like it. You'd think they'd wana replace the door at some point," said Linda.

"I think it's real iron. Feel this."

"Reinforced. I guess all his money didn't go up his nose."

"Mr. Harrison! It's the cable company. We're here to install the HD. Could you please open the door?" asked Tom.

"You're too good to quit," said Linda. "Besides, why would you want to quit (delete -- i know you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, but in dialogue, it is allowed)?"

"Mr. Harrison?" Tom knocked on the door again. "I really don't want to discuss it."

"You can't drop a bomb like that on me and not want me to pry. I'm your wife. You didn't even run this by me," said Linda.

"I am running it by you. I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit."

The door clicked open. "If you're quitting then only the pretty lady can come in," said Harrison. "What the hell? You don't look like normal cable guys. What's with the suits? Ooof!"

"Thank you. I hate it when they stare. Can you drag him back in?" asked Linda.

"Have you ever considered being empowered and doing it yourself?" asked Tim.

"I didn't quite hear you. You were saying something about swearing off sex for a month?"

"Fine! He's just so heavy and sweaty. How am I suppose to get a good grip on a robe? Can you at least get his feet?"

"Like this? Oh Jesus, Tim, I can see right up to his jewels. It's like he's packing a can of spam."

"Sounds big."

"Single serving spam."

"I could make a good single serving joke but you made me give up jokes for our tenth anniversary," said Tim.

"You're just not good at it. Besides, your last one almost got you killed. I'm just looking out for you."

"Your father was holding a whopper burger. I didn't even know Italians had racial slurs. Ok, I'm officially uncomfortable with the way you are staring at his package," said Tim.

"It's almost concave. I wana touch it. Would it be cheating?"

"Yes!"

"Ok, but what about after we kill him? It would be purely medical."

"My head," Harrison grabbed his forehead.

"You were pistol whipped. Grabbing doesn't help. Just stay still," said Linda.

"Why?" asked Harrison.

"You haven’t made a payment on your debt. It's time to pay up or we're going to kill you," said Tim.

"Tell Jimmy that I need more time!" Harrison's last word was strained and shouted as pain shot up his groin.

"Linda! Let go!"

"Balls don't count as cheating."

"They do!" shouted both Tim and Harrison.

"Ooooo!" moaned Harrison in pain.

"Oops," said Linda.

"Oops?" asked Tim.

"I think one popped? Why are you grabbing your (should be "yours")?"

"Sympathy pains."

"Can you down him again? People are going to notice if he doesn't stop that sick moaning."

"If I quit you, have to quit too," said Tim.

"Not now! Pistol whip him! We can talk about this later."

"Oh god! It feels like it's burning."

"See? You can't do this with out me," said Tim.

"Daddy would give me a new partner. Shut up!"

"That's his throat."

"So?" asked Linda.

"How is he going to tell us where the money is?"

"Shit. You're right. I'm not good at this," said Linda. "That's why you can't quit."

"Search the room, and if I quit, you quit."

"If you tell me why you're quitting, I might."

"I was watching the Sopranos DVDs your brother let me barrow("borrow") and..."

"No, Tim, I told you not to watch that show. It's not real. It's all made up. Don't tell me it spooked
you," said Linda.

"It spooked me! There's nothing behind the book case."

"It's a drama show. This is exactly the same kind of freak out you had when we watched the God Father (Godfather is one word and capitalize "the")."

"Don't even joke about that," said Tim.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Nothing in the fridge. How can he be so big and have nothing in the fridge?"

"Tim, do you remember what dad said?"

"Linda, honey, sweetie, you weren't there. What ever story your dad told you after isn't what
happened when I talked about quitting the first time."

"He explained how it's a new mafia. No racial boundaries, no consolidation of power, and no worries about local cops," said Linda.

"Did he mention how he shoved a shotgun into my mouth while he gave me the speech?" asked Tim.

"Once, he was pretty drunk. I thought he might be making it up. It's not under the sink."

"It happened. He may have been drunk during the speech but it's hard to focus on anything when you taste old gun powder in your mouth. Are you really doing what I think you're doing?"

"My mother always said a clean room makes it easier to find things."

"I love your mother but I'm not sure how fast you're going to find money by applying Windex to his counters. Did you hear that?"

"What?"

"He's half way out the door! Wait," said Tim.

"I knew you could drag his body. Ew, his robe is riding up," said Linda.

"Stop cleaning and just toss the room. I don't wana stick around for much longer," said Tim.

"You can't quit. You're too good. I can't do this with out you."

"You make it sound so final."

"Well it kinda is. You can't leave the mob. An outsider can never leave."

"I thought we were in the new mafia."

"A hit man married to a boss's daughter leaves the mob? It doesn't happen. Accident's happen."

"Are you threatening me?" asked Tim.

"Why quit in the first place?"

"I want to start a family."

"That’s sweet. Really, it is, but you know I'm against bringing kids into the family," said Linda.

"Well if I quit, I can focus on them."

"If anyone can quit it's me. Daddy would give us a small island if I quit working. He only lets me do it because I'm here with you. Do you see that?"

"Petty cash under the mattress. It's like thirty bucks in change. You can't quit."

"I can't?"

"I married you because I love you but I'll be frank. You're a killer."

"I can stop if I want to."

"I saw you eye Mr. Harrison after you crushed his throat. You were disappointed even before I scolded you."

"I though he'd suffocate."

"See?"

"Is it so bad?"

"Yes! It's not normal to take lives," said Tim.

"I know it's frowned on but, it is an instinct."

"It's a psychosis."

"Is he moving again?" asked Linda.

"There you go again!"

"No, I think he's trying for the door again."

"Looks like his briefcase."

"You don't think," said Linda.

"That he put cash in his briefcase to repay Jimmy Patone? Sounds reasonable."

"Open the briefcase."

"Oh, false alarm, it's just guns."

"He tried to kill us? Could you believe that?" asked Linda. "The nerve."

"Don't think we'll find the money? It's gona look real bad if the sweepers are the ones to make the score."

"That reminds me, we have dinner plans with Joey and his new girl this weekend," said Linda.

"The one from that club? That's it. I'm turning state's evidence. Witness protection and the nine yards. I can't stand the women Joey picks up," said Tim.

"Don't even joke about that. I'd have to ice you myself if I you turned to the DA."

"You'd kill me? Just like that? Oh my god! You've thought about it haven’t you!"

"In your sleep, an injection under your skull, you'd never even feel it. Besides it's not going to happen because you're not quitting."

"I hear they even relocate people to Hawaii if you're important enough."

"Tim!"

"Yes?"

"Did you really talk to the DA?"

"If you back my story up they promised we could have full immunity. Linda, watch where you point that thing!"

"You're gona rat us out?"

"The guy on the DVD," started Tim.

"The guy on the DVD gets shot! At sea! Tim! How could you?"

"I was thinking of our future."

"Tim?"

"Yes?"

"After tricking Mr. Harrison into opening the door you proceeded to interrogate him."

"What are you doing?"

"Mr. Harrison was injured badly but while you were looking though his home he was able to get to his gun."

"Linda, stop pointing that at me. This isn't funny."

"You turned around in time to see him pull the gun on you. His first shot went wide."

"That almost hit my head!" shouted Tim.

"His second one hit."

Bang.

"I'm so sorry. I wanted us to last forever, but you really suck at this job."

2 hours, a half empty gas can from the shed, and one match later; Tim quit.

[HGZero]

Thank you Dm. I'll admit I was mostly teasing when I said it was a punishment. I am a huge fan of radio dramas and spent a good portion of my senior year working mostly with dialogue. I look forward to the next assignment. Between writing here, writing stories for the site, and writing normal stories to show off when I complain about the earlier writing.... I'm starting to feel like a writer.

[H Dean]

Okay, Muse...that was hardly nit picking compared to your usual. Get to tearing this tale apart, damnit! Don't make me go back and do my own damage!

[Dragon's muse]

My most esteemed, Mr. Dean, Literary Lord, Creative Caliph, Grand High Poobah of Smut,

You're just jealous because Rhabbi got his Jr. Grammer Nazi, First Class Secret Decoder Ring and you didn't. LOL ;p
But seriously.
There is really only so much you can with dialogue, because the leeway is so great. i picked on spelling and punctuation errors. The word choices were really good.

*whispers* besides, i'm trying to lull him into a false sense of security

rose

[tessa]

I really enjoyed reading this! HGZero, that dialogue! Well, I felt like I was there watching it all. What a hoot! (that's a good thing, from me it is anyway.)

tessa

[tessa]

I really enjoyed reading this! HGZero, that dialogue! Well, I felt like I was there watching it all. What a hoot! (that's a good thing...from me it is anyway...can't speak for everyone else's "hoot".)

tessa

[moptop]

Have been neglecting my duty of reading and feeding back on stuff - HGZero, you are so lucky, you are my first victim!

Actually very little to criticise. I thoroughly enjoyed it, I could visualise the action as the dialogue was going on. It made me smile all the way through, so it worked!

I liked the way you brought in the occasional 'said X', just to make sure the reader didn't lose track of who was speaking, but without losing the flow. I agree with Mr Dean that you could vary this a bit more. There are all sorts of other verbs you could use; and they in their turn could allow you to sneak in a teensy bit of description whilst not actually breaking the rules - so instead of just saying or answering, they can snarl or smile or whatever.

[HGZero]

Have been neglecting my duty of reading and feeding back on stuff - HGZero, you are so lucky, you are my first victim!

Actually very little to criticise. I thoroughly enjoyed it, I could visualise the action as the dialogue was going on. It made me smile all the way through, so it worked!

I liked the way you brought in the occasional 'said X', just to make sure the reader didn't lose track of who was speaking, but without losing the flow. I agree with Mr Dean that you could vary this a bit more. There are all sorts of other verbs you could use; and they in their turn could allow you to sneak in a teensy bit of description whilst not actually breaking the rules - so instead of just saying or answering, they can snarl or smile or whatever.

May death come quickly to your other victims. I am starting to agree. In stories mostly baced on dialouge, breaking my 'said' rule, is allowed. On the other hand it's like learning to drive a stick shift in europe. A good skill to keep in mind, but one I rarely get to exersize.