looking for ways to spare her unneeded emotional distress

[Matin]

long title

so the question; (and the background blurb lol) my girl is so eager to please, and we are both so relatively new at this, that my desire to push our boundaries sometimes runs into limits she didn't know she had. or that we hadn't communicated - tho we have been over that exhaustively.

does anyone have any ideas on how to convince her that she is not a horrible person and an unlovable sub because she had to say no? i try my best, and most of the time she believes me - i think - eventually, but i would spare her that pain to begin with.

thanks

-matin

[leah06]

Move on. I think that you and she should agree that if you're in the middle of something, she can say no to what she can't do, you're going to accept that, and she's going to keep quiet about it. Move on to something else, move on to lots of other things, have fun. Later, if she still wants to discuss her feelings, then you can re-assure her, etc. But it might be easier to do that after she's pleased you in lots of other ways, rather than right when she feels that she's disappointed you. And I, personally, don't like that dynamic of stopping the action to discuss whether she's a bad sub. Obviously, it's different if someone's in crisis, but otherwise, I would just postpone that conversation.

[thrall]

try this......

Tell her she is a bad sub.....if she doesn't tell you.....no, in context of limits and going to far.

[Matin]

try this......

Tell her she is a bad sub.....if she doesn't tell you.....no, in context of limits and going to far.

brilliant!

[thrall]

hugs.......i hope it works..


and..... don't forget to praise her when she does.....positive reward for good behavior...

[fetishdj]

Yep, this is a discussion to have in aftercare. Limits change as do preferences and other foibles. We are changeable creatures. This is why communication is a good thing. Make sure you always talk about your feelings afterwards, lay aside time for it specially. If you feel that either of you has problems with talking about some things, try keeping a journal that you pass to each other at regular points to read.

And I agree with the above - praise the good as much as you criticise the bad, if not more.

[denuseri]

One real easy way to show her she is not a bad sub for setting limits as they come along with you as the two of you explore would be to get her a membership here and show her your post saying she isnt bad.

If she has other submissives to speak too, she will learn a lot about maintaining her dignity and self worth.

I sure wish I had known about this place when I was all alone learning much of this the hard way back when I first started.

[Ozme52]

Point out that she might ask you, or expect you to do something she likes that you may not have a taste for doing... or for doing to her...

and is it her intention to think you're a bad dom if that happens? Obviously she'll not think that and you can ask her why it should be any different for you.

Secondly, point out that things that she can't do today, she may find herself craving or want to experiment with later... and you have all the patience necessary to wait until it happens.

Third, point out that her willingness to use her safeword (or whatever you two do to call a halt to play) allows you the freedom to rein freely and enjoy yourself. She won't want to take that away from you... and if you can't trust her to not feel guilty about it... how can you enjoy yourself the rest of the time.

Three different, overlapping concepts, that work for me.

[voxelectronica]

I think Ozme has it in the bag on this one!

When I've been a bit of an over apologetic sub, it wasn't that i wanted to feel good about myself but what i was doing. The only way to get her to feel right is to train her.... well.