i was thinking about this the other day. i make it no secret that i've been through a lot of crap early on in life. i do like to please others. At one point several years ago i would have done anything to please a Dom. i got burned very quickly and very hard and took a step away from the scene, only lurking around ocassionally. i thought submitting ment pleasing everyone. After a while, the feeling of "something is missing, the feeling of being different" became overwhelming. i was fortunate in that i met someone who has taught me more about myself and about submission than i had imagined possible. When i have been ordered or even asked to do something now, i do it because i want to do it for Him. i still get a pleasure out of knowing that i have made Him happy, but now unlike before, i'm doing it for myself as much as for Him. Even in failure, while it is regretable, i'm happier inside because i know that i am doing the best that i can.

Tis very difficult for me to express this. The feelings are there, so deep and pressing, but finding the words to exactly express how i feel now are escaping me.