A plot twist and a cliffhanger.

i love you, i really do. Apparently you did not have to write your way out of a corner with this one. This is magnificent, and you truly have the first rule of show business down cold. (First rule of show business ~ Always leave them wanting more.)


What was in the package?
Did Bill know who his online relationship was with?
And best of all what wicked, wonderful things does he have in store for her when she wakes up?

The way the her watch being slow came back to bite her was wonderful. Good use of continuity.

And even with Desk clerk/customer interaction, your dialogue sparkles.

You are being kicked upstairs. I will send the email to get you access to Level II. congratulations.

Nitpickig follows.





Quote Originally Posted by anonymouse View Post
The taxi Lydia booked for 7pm (need a space here) arrived exactly on time. She didn't need to be at the Sheraton until eight, but it was her nature to be on time. Tonight was especially important for her so, she didn't want to be late.


Even though the bag was only a (delete) small, Lydia felt it was symbolic. It represented daringness on her part; that (delete) she was prepared to spend the night with a man she'd never met in real life - a man she'd never even spoken with on the phone. Their entire relationship had developed through email and online chat. Lydia had no reservations in her mind about this but, still, the expectations she'd grown to have for this evening made her nervous.




"Mister Williams asked me to give this to you when you arrived," said the receptionist. She passed Lydia an envelope and a small, heavy package wrapped in red tinfoil (just a shade awkward here, could it be called "shiny red paper" instead?. "Room fifteen eleven."


The young porter took possession of the room key from the receptionist, quickly picked up Lydia's bag, and then turned toward the elevator. "This way," he said.

Maybe simplify this just a bit Suggested rewrite

The young porter took the room key and Lydia's bag and turned to the elevator. "This way, Miss," he said.

Their elevator ascended swiftly to the fifteenth floor. Lydia's curiosity about the contents of her apparent gift also escalated. The package was quite heavy for its size, and the accompanying note in the envelope simply said, 'Do not open before 8pm (need a space here)'.

Once inside her room, Lydia tipped the young (delete, you have laready established that the porter is young.) porter and bid him thanks. It appeared to be an expensive suite, luxuriously appointed. (let's take this into more of an active voice. Suggestive rewrite:
"The suite was expansive and luxuriously appointed." ) Its king-size bed seemed dwarfed by the size of the room, as did the large, flat panel television screen on the wall opposite. Lydia sat on the end of the bed and stared at the bright red package in her hands.


The door slowly opened. A man stood there and smiled a wicked smile. Lydia felt the blood rush from her face. It seemed to puddle in the pit of her stomach. Numbness gripped her so tightly, she dropped the package onto the floor.

"Lydia!" the man said.

"Bill?"

The mortifying realization that her online relationship for the past twelve months had been with a colleague from work caused Lydia to fall back in a dead faint on the bed. (Just a little awkward here: suggested rewrite~~

The mortifying realization that her year long online "Master" was actually a colleague from work caused Lydia to fall back in a dead faint.)

"Henceforward, you are owned by me," whispered Bill to his sleeping beauty.

anonymouse