Aussiegirl had sent me a PM to take a particular look at this story. She told me that she sees huge potential in what you write. Of course, I can't refuse her and, though I didn't really have the time, I just had to come and check out this story.

I will start by stating that I agree with Aussie; you do have potential. In fact, your writings are probably better than mine were when I first tried this irritating art form. I do see some things hindering that make the reading a bit annoying. (Keep in mind that I don't know exactly what the assignment was)

The first paragraph set the tone for this story. There were some technical gaffes that were a bit of an annoyance - though they weren't the sort that would make you frown. What really set the tone was the voice. It is a voice that rarely works, over all. I find it particularly annoying, generally. Still, I can live with it.

My first complaint, besides the voice is this sentence: "I immediately enter Master space and take your hand as I lead you in. "

First off, a lot of readers wouldn't know what "Master Space" is. More would think of it as pure bullshit. I, being experienced in what youa re talking about, find it to be ridiculous to just switch over to this realm of awareness - especially considering the supposed nervousness you are feeling. Literally, it made me laugh out loud.

The real problem with this story was that you made this first person in the present tense - which made this tale a bit wistful - and then did a big time switcheroo on perspectives part way through.

First sentence: I find it hard to believe how nervous I am as I greet you at the door, and I wonder that you do not notice.

From the Second Paragraph:I carried them out, and I could see your confusion, but I just shook my head. I close the door, but not completely, because we had established the rules before this had begun, let me list them here again as a reminder

After the list: While you were getting ready, I quickly prepared a special place fro you.

Further down: Then you pounce on me, wrapping your arms around my leg. Although I am not expecting it, I am able to maintain my balance.

I look down at you and you look back, is that disappointment I see in your eyes. I reach down to scratch your ears and you again pounce.

Okay - I am not going to beat this to death. I think you get the point. You changed persepectives several times. That will kill a story and the mood.

Here is the effect that I witnessed during the reading: The first person current, you brought a sort of wistfull sense to the story. I am not partial to the current tense, but it was wistful and almost dreamlike. It was working if you wanted that feel to it.

The past tense brought more life to it. It made it pop more and seem more realistic. It made your story more light and I felt more in tune with what was going on.

The switcheroo annoyed me and would probably annoy any reader. You have to stick with the current or past tense - unless the story actually calls for it - otherwise it will kill any flow or mood you want to convey.

I hope I wasn't too much of a prick here. I will answer any questions you have. Also, if I was too much of a prick, blame Aussiegirl. She told me to come here and be mean!