The place of sex in a D/s-bdsm relationship

[Nuadu]

I came to this site looking for some new bondage ideas. I am surprised by what I found; had never even heard of D/s! nor this lifestyle that most everyone here seems to be talking about. My personal opinion, which is actually a question in itself: why bother tying/cuffing or spanking/whipping/etc. if you aren't going to have sex? To me bondage without sex would be like eating icing without cake!

[vistana]

I came to this site looking for some new bondage ideas. I am surprised by what I found; had never even heard of D/s! nor this lifestyle that most everyone here seems to be talking about. My personal opinion, which is actually a question in itself: why bother tying/cuffing or spanking/whipping/etc. if you aren't going to have sex? To me bondage without sex would be like eating icing without cake!

I like your metaphor

Though I know people (including me) who do like to eat icing without cake. What I think is even weirder are people who like to eat cake, but with no icing!
*gasp, shock*

[ValKyrie]

I came to this site looking for some new bondage ideas. I am surprised by what I found; had never even heard of D/s! nor this lifestyle that most everyone here seems to be talking about. My personal opinion, which is actually a question in itself: why bother tying/cuffing or spanking/whipping/etc. if you aren't going to have sex? To me bondage without sex would be like eating icing without cake!

Sometimes, it is the cake I want.
Sometimes, the icing.
Sometimes the entire dessert menu.



We enjoy BDSM throughout our day and certainly, it doesn't always lead to orgasm or need to.

Sex is always highlighted by something D/s, whether it is simply his not orgasming without permission or my use of mild CBT as foreplay. However, our intense scenes, including bondage, flogging, wax play etc seldom lead to sex unless it is for my benefit i.e. face sitting or masturbating for him.

Honestly, I can't tell you the whys of this, but can tell you it works nicely for us.

Intercourse happens daily and is our special physical communion, but doesn't happen every time we are stimulated. I do believe that this leads to OR is the result of our being two very highly sexually charged individuals and as a couple.....mmmmmmmm

A thought that is formulating as I sit here and type is this: Sometimes, I use sex and orgasms as another "toy," tool or implement of BDSM. Other times, sex is communication and affection. Additionally, it is simply a matter of physical need. Sex can play many roles, physically, mentally, and emotionally and for us, depending on what those needs are, the needs may define and direct the act.

Signing off before my ramblings become too confusing!

[csr]

A thought that is formulating as I sit here and type is this: Sometimes, I use sex and orgasms as another "toy," tool or implement of BDSM. Other times, sex is communication and affection. Additionally, it is simply a matter of physical need. Sex can play many roles, physically, mentally, and emotionally and for us, depending on what those needs are, the needs may define and direct the act.

Well put.
I came into BDSM thinking of it as an adjunct to sex... we were just really kinky in the bedroom, and any playing would always end in orgasm. It was just kinky foreplay.

The first time I learned of play parties, most of which do not allow any form of "traditional sex" I thought it was weird. I couldn't see myself wanting the bondage or torture, without that release. So we tried it... at first, by just playing, then waiting a few hours, doing other things, then heading to the bedroom for sex later. Being turned on all day is of course a pleasureable torture in itself.

Well, eventually one day we played and never got to the second part and it hit me suddenly (no pun intended) that being physically punished and all the emotions involved in a really good scene is terrific mental sex. Truly getting into sub-space is as good as, and even shares many of the physical results of an orgasm.

As we also have days of no play and just vanilla sex, I would have to 100% echo ValKyrie's opinions on cake:

Sometimes, it is the cake I want.
Sometimes, the icing.
Sometimes the entire dessert menu.