Problems..

[miloura dae]

I just recently unveiled my submissive fantasies/desires to my lover,and
partner of almost 6 years. I was kind of scared to do so because I didn't
know what his reaction would be. Yes, basically i'm already submissive to him
because I fear him, for he has a temper. Also, he claims to run things around
the household including me and our daughter. I debate it often, of course I don't win. We talked about my fantasies which included bondange, biting,spanking,kink, and some humiliation. But, I made it clear that it was
for sex play only. He agreed and was readily excited about the whole thing.
Our first experimental night went rather well and left me very much fullfilled.
And i've pleasured him numerous times, as i'm supposed to and he's asked that I address him as master..But, he's taking his dominant postion a little too far. We agreed to me submitting myself as his sex slave during sex time only. Now he's making me stand in corners, and belittling me, yelling at me, getting in my face, all in front of my 3 year old daughter. I find it quite abusive and coming from my desire to submit to him. I don't know what to do about it. If any of you have some well needed advice. I would greatly appreciate it. Also, i've done plenty of reading and research on this site, I just know our dom/sub relationship is NOT supposed to be like this..

~Danielle

[Garnet99]

It sounds like you've gotten into an abusive relationship, rather than a healthy D/s one. One very important thing to remember is that consent must be given. If he isn't willing to agree to that, I would seriously reconsider this lifestyle with him. He sounds like he needs help controlling his anger - and you and your daughter should not be in the middle of it. You said you fear him - that is NOT what anyone here is about. Being a submissive is not the same as being being abused.

I know this isn't really the kind of advice you are loooking for - but it sounds like this is a much larger problem than D/s. Any adult should know that this sort of behavior, especially in front of a child, is unhealthy. I know this is drastic, but you should get out of there before he hurts someone. Get some professional help if you can.

[Mobius]

I just recently unveiled my submissive fantasies/desires to my lover,and
partner of almost 6 years. I was kind of scared to do so because I didn't
know what his reaction would be. Yes, basically i'm already submissive to him
because I fear him, for he has a temper. Also, he claims to run things around
the household including me and our daughter. I debate it often, of course I don't win. We talked about my fantasies which included bondange, biting,spanking,kink, and some humiliation. But, I made it clear that it was
for sex play only. He agreed and was readily excited about the whole thing.
Our first experimental night went rather well and left me very much fullfilled.
And i've pleasured him numerous times, as i'm supposed to and he's asked that I address him as master..But, he's taking his dominant postion a little too far. We agreed to me submitting myself as his sex slave during sex time only. Now he's making me stand in corners, and belittling me, yelling at me, getting in my face, all in front of my 3 year old daughter. I find it quite abusive and coming from my desire to submit to him. I don't know what to do about it. If any of you have some well needed advice. I would greatly appreciate it. Also, i've done plenty of reading and research on this site, I just know our dom/sub relationship is NOT supposed to be like this..

~Danielle

There should be no place for bad temper in a bdsm relationship. If he is belitting you in front of your child then that is an abusive relationship. Play time or not You have limits. If you have not done so then you need to comunicate those limits to him. If he will not respect your limits then you should have nothing more to do with him until he does.
You have made it clear that you want the bdsm to remain in the bedroom and no were else. If he is not respecting that then you need to cut him off. Before it escalates further. It can and will turn ugly very fast. With him abusing you and you calling the police and have him hualed away in cuffs. The laws are very clear.

I would say in a very unqualified way. That if both of you do not have a 2 way comunication and coaporation in your relationship then you probly should not explore bdsm.

He will continue to push and push you until become nothing more than a door mat. And then he will eventualy lose interest with you and that will be it.

It has always been my opine that the submisive in a relationship is the one with the power. It is yours to give to him or yours to take away.

First there is respect then there is submision.

I hope it works out.

Mobous

[Pandora's Box]

No it's not supposed to be like that. Not at all.

To be honest, if he changes you could knock me over with a feather.

You need to get out and get out now. Or kick him out. Rely on family and friends if you have to.

Remember, what your daughter sees now is what she learns from. Do you want this for her? Think deeply about this.

There is much more than some misguided notion of love at stake.

[AndrewBlack]

I think Mobius is right, there has to be a clear drawing up of limits which are respected and absolute. Hard limits that are NOT breached. Behaviour in front of your child would absolutely count here, but also whatever YOU felt should also be classed as a non-negotiable limit. In your situation you must be able to stop this behaviour at any time, have you discussed the importance of safe-words?

The belittling and direspectful behaviour that you are shown is completely unjustified and does not belong under the umbrella of BDSM, your partner must also be made to see the difference between the two - Abuse and BDSM.

There is a very definitve thread on Abuse vs BDSM somewhere on this site - a search should get it for you very quickly, you may do well to have a read and bring it up with your partner.

I hope you can both find some balance and establish a BDSM relationship that does not involve your child or abuse to yourself.

[AndrewBlack]

Here I've 'unlazy'd' myself enough to find it for you

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...ght=bdsm+abuse

there are lots of other discussions if you search 'BDSM' and 'abuse', hopefully if you point this out to your partner he may see that he can have the fun side of it without the shitty bit.

[Pandora's Box]

Andrew, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. He was abusive before BDSM and then carried that abuse into BDSM. BDSM is not going to magically solve his problems. At least not in any short amount of time.

And in the meantime, there is a three year old little girl absorbing all that is done to her mother. And, depending on his temperment, also being put in the line of fire.

He needs more help than BDSM can ever give him.

I feel very passionately about this.

The first responsibility is to the child. And in that sense, let someone else play counselor to this abuser that has the sense of a coconut when it comes to relationships and bdsm. The welfare of the child is just so NOT worth it.

She's three years old. When her first active and conscious memories are going to take shape. She's already began imprinting into her subconscious. This is not what anyone wants to teach their child. That abuse is okay. And that's the message that children in the midst of abusive relationships get.

And as far as your submission, Miloura, you need to get counselling. You should be reading the abuse topics to help you understand the difference. But learn apart from this asshole. Submission does not equate to sacrifice of self at the expense of yourself.

Your self esteem is something you have to build and safegaurd. You won't be able to do either with him.

[Ranai]

miloura dae,

What you describe sounds not like a relationship to improve, but like a relationship to end. Because with 'BDSM' elements or without them, staying in this relationship is dangerous for you and your child.

I would suggest that in addition to the thoughts offered on these forums and in other places, you read this text:

Are you being abused? A Notice About Domestic Violence in the SM/Fetish Scene.
The author is Dr. Gloria G. Brame, who has extensive experience in BDSM, theory and practise.
Some of the criteria there you have already anwered with 'yes', such as:
Are you afraid of your partner?
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
Has she or he ever violated your limits?
Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
So YES, this is an abusive relationship.

Also, I would disagree with the notion that the abuse is 'coming from your desire to submit to him'.

If you are looking for counseling services, you might want to take a look at
Kink Aware Professionals (KAP)
A resource for people seeking legal, therapeutic and medical professionals, who are informed about the diversity of consensual, adult sexuality.

The fulfilment you feel from sexual submission, and your sexual interests, are real and valid. Hopefully, there should come a time when you can explore them in a non-threatening context, with someone who is worthy of your trust.

Best wishes for a radical change.

[Nightstriker]

What to say that has not already been said.

*Thinks.....Thinkgs some more.....*

Nope I really can't think of anything else. If the man is being abusive and pulling the relationship past your limits and into a realm of your life that you do not want it to go then I would say that a BDSM relationship is not all that possible. Heck even a regular relationship is not all that possible if one side is abusive when they should not be.

[Dngnkeeper]

**** Putting on thinking cap and looking for something to add***

Danielle you ARE in an abusive relationship period. You dont need to know anything about BDSM to make that call. You stated up front that you were afraid of him because of his temper before any talk of BDSM came about. Then after BDSM was brought up it got worse. Pandora is spot on when she says you need to physically seperate yourself and your daughter from him. It will only get worse.

Some perspective from my personal history. Over the years I have had the unfortunate duty of performing this seperation several times. All of the times the story was very much like yours. Most of the women thought that he could change and profesional counceling, religious councling and law enforcement had tried and failed. The abuse continued and increased to the point where some women went to the hospital and all need much professional counciling to help with the emotional damage. The sooner you remove this man physically from your life the better off you will be. And what of your daughter? Not only is she a witness but you can't know if she will become a target for his abuse.

I remember talking with one of the abusers after BDSM was brought into an already abusive relationship. His take was that once she expressed her submissive feelings he felt that she was giving him complete exceptance of the abuse and was encouraging even harsher abuse. The fact that she felt betrayed and past any personal limit at this point didnt matter to him anymore as in his words "If she wants to be a submissive slut then she doesnt care what I do to her." He saw the introduction as vindication for any guilt he may have had and fuel for the fire.

So let me say again get away from him now, before he does more damage to you and your daughter.

[Mobius]

DK while I agree with most of what you are saying. She has not said any thing about physical abuse. So far it is only emotional abuse. While that is bad enough. I don"t know if that in its self is call for full seperation, It may.

She may have a need for the humiliation that comes from this kind relationship. She has been with him for 6 years.

What concerns me that she is "afriad of him"

If you are afraid of him that is couse to be concernd. Any kind of relationship should be a 2 way street. It should not be a my way or the high way thing.

But if it has not become physicaly abusive then consuling might help.
The DS should end until he can respect you and your limets.

[Wontworry]

... because I fear him ...

These words of yours are sufficient in themselves. NO BDSM relationship, in fact no relationship of any sort, should have "fear" as part of it.

My advice is run .. dont walk .. run as fast and as far as you can ... now.

[Ruby]

***Also not trying to duplicate, but want to agree and give you more things to think about. ***

Danielle, that you fear him, your partner and lover, is very very wrong. This is not about being submissive, this is about abuse.

He appears to be using many common tactics to perpetuate the domestic violence. Yes, violence, harsh, but true.
http://www.whbw.org/important_inform...c_violence.htm
(Good site with info - there must be similar site for your location.)

You have to ask yourself some tough questions and be very realistic about the answers.

1. Do you want him as he is, right now, if he never changes?
2. Is this the type of behavior that you want your daughter to experience?
3. Are you with him because you are afraid of leaving him?
4. What are you getting out of this relationship that makes you stay?
5. If there was one seat on the life raft, would he give it to you and your daughter or throw you overboard?

If you want to leave him, plan ahead, seek help and don't be ashamed or embarrassed if you need to go into hiding. If you're in the USA, you can file a restraining order for verbal abuse alone.

When I had to smuggle my girlfriend and her two children out of her house, we spent over a month finding an apartment. (We just told the landlords that her home was undergoing a remodel and she would need at least a six month lease. That satisfied them and we avoided the whole domestic violence issue. The remodel was in building a safe environment for her and children so we didn't think of it as a lie.)
We also had to set up new banking accounts and a few other things
that you can get help with.

If not for you, then protect your daughter. Picture yourself as the tigress protecting her cub and hold that image in your heart. You are the tigress.
You deserve respect and if he can't give it to you, then sadly it's time to go.

[Magister]

I will add my voice here.

The situation will not magically get better.
Fear is not, cannot be part of a healthy relationship even one involving BDSM.

Please, begin to take whatever steps need to be taken to separate yourself from this situation.

Listen to what you have said. Then, listen to our replies.

We're here for you.

[esclava]

First, lots of hugs to you, that's a scary and puzzling situation to be in.

Second, ask yourself ONE simple question.....is this the kind of atmosphere in which you want to raise your daughter???

You mentioned that you feared his temper before you attempted a BDSM-style relationship. To me that speaks volumes. BDSM isn't about *that* kind of fear. Get out or get him out, and find someone who deserves your obedience and love, not someone who scares you into it.

[Siela]

I agree with the view that you need to leave him.

Having been where you are now,I know that it will be hard,but no one deserves to live like that.Don't be afraid to ask for help and do whatever is needed to protect yourself and your daughter.

You and your daughter deserve better.

Best wishes.

[Garnet99]

Miloura,
We have not heard from you since you started this thread! I hope you are reading these responses, and think about them. Please let us know how you are.... I don't want to seem nosey - but I do hope you and your daughter are alright.

G

[39-29-36]

I concur. Tere are some thoughtful replies here, listen to them. The post sounds scary. The relationship will never get better, only worse. This is a no-brainer. Dump him. You say you have read and done research on this. No need. Drop the book and step away from the relationship.

Finis

:yuck: