Submissives Taking the Initiative

[Finding_Fantasy]

So, TG and I were having a discussion and we could not come to a clear answer and thought that perhaps the wise and wonderful people of the BDSN Library forums might be able to help us.

Do you (meaning the submissives) or your submissive(s) (referring to the Dominant among us) take the initiative regarding scenes? Does the submissive come to you and say "I would like a whipping, please." or "Please, Master, tie me up?" or is that something that the Dominant should be responsible for saying when and where the scenes happen.

Any input and/or advice/personal experiences and preferences are appreciated. And, if you like, explain why you voted the way that you did - or just vote - both would be helpful.

:feedback:

[wannabeXopsed]

take the initiative, if I had a r/l partner. I would like to think when it does happen and of course by me having control of who I choose for my partner that he would want me to an active submissive to help participate with all the rules of submission, like properly asking, and getting permission, and be an adversary to our relationship. Taking the responability (initiative) as the sub, because the Dom doesn't have a crystal ball and can't read my mind.

Now the Dom may of course may not like my timing and have to tell me that it is going to have to wait till later, but I would not be out of line for just asking if that is what I had my mind on.

I would hope my Dom would consider when I am to be at his beck and call, that if it wasn't approiate timing for me, I would be given some kind of heads up as that I would need to be prepared.

But all in all I think I would have a Dom that would want me to be verbose about my needs.

T

[Garnet99]

My Master and I live together, but do not engage in BDSM 24/7. We often cannot even email everyday from work. There are times He will tell me in the morning, or night before, what He wants me to be wearing when He gets home. I know that means we will scene. But there have been times I "dress for the occasion" without being told - wanting to surprise and please him. Sometimes we scene - and sometimes we don't. But He always appreciates me trying. If He's not up for it, then I just stay dressed because He likes the way I look and we just cuddle in front of the TV after dinner. It's still fun and exciting.

[slavelucy]

Good question.

i voted no because i can't ever imagine myself initiating a scene in an obvious sense. i'm not sure if this is because of past experiences of both BDSM and vanilla in that i hate the idea of being rejected, and i suspect this is something which may change over time, but right now, no, i wouldn't initiate it.

Having said that, i'm not sure one has to initiate it in an official capacity to be actually initiating it...i may well , sort of, imply that i'm up for it or give him a look or something (does that make any sense?).

i know some dominants very much like their subs to be involved with what takes place, but i still think a sub forcefully initiating a scene seems a little odd. i think there are other ways to contribute to what takes place. i think discussion after a scene is always a good idea in that regard as is ongoing casual chats about fantasies etc..you can gauge a great deal about a person from what they will say in a relaxed setting when they least think you're listening.

sl

[cagedsgt]

While this is something that needs to be worked out for each relationship, i hope i pay enough attention to my sub that she doesn't have to beg for attention in this manner.

cagedsgt

[Ruby]

Master T, my hubby, and I don't have a 24/7 BDSM relationship.
We're best friends, lovers, parents, etc. and play Master and Pet/Sub as often as we can. We have very different work hours. So scheduling and timing are important.

Sometimes, I just have to say - "I want you, tonight" and that's enough to rev his engine and get me in trouble if I leave him walking out the door with a woody.
(Naughty me.)
Othertimes, he responds with, "How do you want to play?"
That's so tough for me, cause we are so busy trying to please each other, that I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell him what he wants to hear or what I really want.
(I'm not one for mind games. Just tell me what you want and I'll do my best to give it to you, but make me guess what you want and I get very, very cranky.)
I've learned to answer with what I want and let him make the decision as to whether or not I receive it.

Short answer: It works best for us to let each other know what we want and to set expectations ahead of time.

That's not to say we don't enjoy immediate gratification or surprising each other, but we have to be very careful of "teenager-interuptus".

[Garnet99]

Ruby, I know it's showing my age, but I sure remember those interruptions!!! Your name for it is wonderful!

[Nightstriker]

neither of those options really fit for me. So here is my answer.

I do not mind it when my sub would take initiative. I do enjoy suprises, and being suprises. Though I also like takeing initiative.

[Pandora's Box]

Well, I personally have no issues with initiating. After all, a relationship is made up of two people. The ideal is to have a dynamic in place where you know each other well enough to be able to pick up on cues without actually having to say "please whip me".

Initiating a scene to me, could mean something as simple as an aggressive or sexual kiss, perhaps a grope. Or if you don't want sex, then perhaps just setting out the toys to make them think about using them. And there's always less subtle approaches like serving him dinner with the flogger plate-side.

Although I have no issues with initiating, I will rarely ever say something like "I need to be whipped/fucked/tortured" etc. It's just not my style. Well unless push comes to shove and the guy is dense as a brick. But then I try to avoid those types. I have many levels of subtleties and a man that can't pick up on subtleties has no business being with me. Nor I with him. That is unless we both want to beat our heads against walls.

In the long run though, like I said, it takes two to tango. A relationship does not just consist of one person. And people aren't perfect. So you have to communicate and find the balance that works. Just because a dominant is a dominant doesn't always mean he calls the shots. That is unless, you're just going along for the ride as a submissive.

Being in a relationship means communicating our needs. And if the submissive needs some attention, then in my opinion, she needs to be able to step up to the plate.

Or face the very real probability of wallowing in her own frustration because she hasn't let her needs be known.

(Pardon the dom=he and sub=she thing, but I'm a gal and I'm writing from my perspective. A straight submissive female.)

[Finding_Fantasy]

Well thanks for the input, everyone - it is appreciated.

I guess the biggest reason I asked is because you never hear about the submissive taking the initiative and starting a scene. Some, I think, would say that would be dominating from the bottom, telling the dominant what you want when you want it.

Pandora - you make some valid points. I am not the (how did you put it?) the type to say "I need to be whipped/fucked/tortured" either.

And I guess what turns me off from initiating a scene is that is usually leads to sex and most nights, I am not in the mood for sex. I am not a physical person. Never have been - so I guess that is part of my problem.

The other is that I don't want to "be a bother." If he is doing something he is enjoying, like playing a game, I don't want to "disturb" him - even though he says it wouldn't.

Again, thanks for the input and keep it coming. (If you have anything to say that is lol)

[Wontworry]

I start every scene, online or in real life, because thats the way that works for me/us. Having said that, I never discount the possibility (ok .. probability) that I can be manouvred into a position where I start the scene at the right time.

I dont think this is a particularly submissive thing, more a womanly trait (*ducks* ... although I meant that having two daughters I speak from experience !!!)

[Dngnkeeper]

I for one like to hear submissives thoughts and needs. While a daily helping would indicate to me a problem. In RL my experience tells me that its more likely to occure in the subtile ways Pandora discribes, cuffs or a hood sitting idely by or a flogger as a centerpiece at dinner. It also means I dont have to take her up on the offer if I'm not on the same page. But atleast I can acknowledge it and note it for tomorrow.

I'm not a mind reader and communication is a two way street. If I don't know whats on her mind I can't respond to it. A little suduction is great grease on the wheel.

[Pandora's Box]

The other is that I don't want to "be a bother." If he is doing something he is enjoying, like playing a game, I don't want to "disturb" him - even though he says it wouldn't.

This sounds like a comfort zone issue. Personal comfort, esteem etc. And in that sense... it's often best to try to take the risks to gain the rewards. I can't imagine TG ever saying "no I don't want to play", putting a video game above the interests of his wife.

In this sense, it seems like you are placing the video game etc above yourself. Not him. And using your concern (as his submissive) for him and his desires in order to not take the chance, to not face the fear of being rejected. Or even to avoid sex. Hard to say, but that's the feeling I get.

TG isn't a man that has his priorities all screwed up, or at least he doesn't seem to be. So I tend to think the issue lies within you. And it's something that you guys should explore. For your own happiness and for the happiness of your partnership.

[erotic_nibbles]

My Master and I live together, but do not engage in BDSM 24/7. We often cannot even email everyday from work. There are times He will tell me in the morning, or night before, what He wants me to be wearing when He gets home. I know that means we will scene. But there have been times I "dress for the occasion" without being told - wanting to surprise and please him. Sometimes we scene - and sometimes we don't. But He always appreciates me trying. If He's not up for it, then I just stay dressed because He likes the way I look and we just cuddle in front of the TV after dinner. It's still fun and exciting.

I love that answer Garnet .....what a great way to handle things

Sometimes, I just have to say - "I want you, tonight" and that's enough to rev his engine and get me in trouble if I leave him walking out the door with a woody.
(Naughty me.)
Othertimes, he responds with, "How do you want to play?"
That's so tough for me, cause we are so busy trying to please each other, that I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell him what he wants to hear or what I really want.
(I'm not one for mind games. Just tell me what you want and I'll do my best to give it to you, but make me guess what you want and I get very, very cranky.)
I've learned to answer with what I want and let him make the decision as to whether or not I receive it.

I like your style Ruby!....Woohoo

A real life Dom I have known online for years gave me the best answer to this sort of thing....ok, best in my view .....he said he and his sub worked it out like this:

--He comes home from work in the mood to scene....he gets her collar and offers it to her wordlessly....if she kneels then that is the sign that it is a good idea with her too and he collars her and the night begins....if she smiles and gives him a soft kiss on the lips and starts asking him about his day, then he knows it's not a good night for her and puts the collar away...no hard feelings (pardon the pun)

--He comes home from work and sees she has put her collar on herself....this is the wordless signal that she is in a submissive mood....if he accepts he tells her to kneel and the evening is on....if he declines he simply goes to her and gives her a soft kiss on the lips and starts discussing their respective days....she then can remove the collar and put it away...again, no hard feelings

In that way, they have a system of communication set up for the evening that relieves the guess work....also if either declines, then after dinner they will sit down and discuss why the offer was declined to help head off possible resentments....often they both have good reasons to decline and when explained it also brings them more up to date on their daily lives

Another Dom had it worked out similar but easier.....If he wanted to scene he would walk in and say something like, "Hello slave"....if she responded with "Welcome home, Master", he knew the BDSM evening was on.....if she responds by using his first name...like, "John what sort of dressing do you want on your salad tonight?" then he knows it's not a good night.....Also, if he comes home and she says, "Welcome home, Master" he could then either say, "Thank you, slave" and the evening is a go, or use her first name instead of calling her slave and......you get the idea I'm sure...lol

~~nibbles~~

[Master13]

I don't think that I would have a problem with my theoretical future sub girlfriend taking the initiative. I wouldn't consider it dominating from the bottem, because until someone takes the initiative and the other excepcts there is no top or bottem. Plus having someone ask me to "have my way with her" would be a big turn-on.

[Donatien]

[QUOTE=slavelucy]Good question.

i voted no because i can't ever imagine myself initiating a scene in an obvious sense. i'm not sure if this is because of past experiences of both BDSM and vanilla in that i hate the idea of being rejected, and i suspect this is something which may change over time, but right now, no, i wouldn't initiate it.........
Having said that, i'm not sure one has to initiate it in an official capacity to be actually initiating it...i may well , sort of, imply that i'm up for it or give him a look or something (does that make any sense?). QUOTE

Lucy, you yourself have in a previous post, perhaps unintentionally, already invented the perfect word for a sub in this situation. When you are up for it and give him a look , you are being " inciteful", ( to incite= to move to action , to stir up ).

[slavelucy]

Lucy, you yourself have in a previous post, perhaps unintentionally, already invented the perfect word for a sub in this situation. When you are up for it and give him a look , you are being " inciteful", ( to incite= to move to action , to stir up ).

*blushes softly, but grins slightly wickedly*

Mmmmmm, good point, DONATIEN, i knew my odd spelling would pay off eventually! LOL! Just as long as i don't incite him to riot....hmm, then again...

sl

[subbiesarah]

my Master would take great offence if i tried to initiate a scene. We don't live together so when He comes over i will get a detailed email about how i'm to be dressed/presented - this must be followed to the letter. OK, i did ask him to fist me last weekend after a particularly horny scene but this was for His pleasure as much as mine (he requires me to orgasm as hard and often as possible).

[e.b.]

I'm somewhat ambivalent about this one. I enjoy getting to do a lot of talking/discussing/negotiating in general for the relationship's upkeep and think that discussing fantasies, interests, etc. is very important. I also agree that the time relaxing after a scene can provide a good atmosphere for discussion of preferences...what each person liked or didn't like, how they could better please the other, etc.

As far as actually starting a scene though, I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that as a sub. Subtle hints or a submissively worded question can do a lot IMO to let a dom know the interest is there on the part of the sub, which is probably nice for the dom as I suppose we can't expect them to read our minds. I kind-of like some of nibbles' examples...just little ways to let the other know without being too blatant, which would probably cause many of us to feel like "pushy" subs.

I don't know how much of that makes sense...it's kinda stream-of-consciousness thinking, but thought I'd throw my two cents into the pot.

eb