Oh, I am not too worried about mistakes like that - to me it is the tone of the story that made it so good. It is also so very easy to not see mistakes when you make them, no matter what time you edit them. I am often amazed when I come back to a draft of a story how many mistakes I had made!
Tell me you aren't amazed when you get back to a finished story you wrote months ago?

So many mistakes we miss.

Mishka, I have only read a portion of your story, but I hope to read more of it soon. So far, I liked what I read. Though, you do tend towards the over use of pronouns to begin sentences. Get away from that and a lot of your worries about being choppy will fade into the deep dark blue.