A plea for guidance

[Sir_Russell]

his_j, I don't much feel like I have many answers right now but I will try to help.

First thanks to sexy cadence for the "Being submissive is not getting what you want all of the time, it is focusing on his needs, and ensuring he is happy. Your wants and needs are met through his satisfaction, not through your own." That is very true of the type of submissive most of us are looking for.

I enjoy and find gratification I her pleasure, no matter what we are doing she is my first concern. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to hear her beg then cum. Her sounds she makes as she does tasks or is getting excited are a big pay off for me. When she calls me Master or does something just for me it is thrilling.

It is very hard for me to understand how any man doesn't want to be a loving subs Dom/Master. So my advice to you is find ways to be submissive in every day life to him, bringing a drink to him or asking him what you may do for him, in other words pamper him but be sexy as you do it.

And yes talk to him about it.

[jeanne]

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful and useful responses. I'll start with the last and move up.

Sir_Russell, I already do those things - I take care of him on a daily basis and try to "think sexy thoughts" while doing it. Actually, I just think about how much I love him. And I do get some satisfaction from it.

Rhabbi, that's how I feel about it too! Joyful. When the loop is really strong, I could almost laugh out loud (and have) with sheer joy.

Oz, that's my fear. That he can't dominate me, not because he doesn't want to, but because he can't see me that way. I will reread the thread, although at this point it's probably burned into my monitor screeen anyway, I've read it so often.

cadence, I always, always value what you say. And I have been thinking all the things that you wrote. Today I especially value you for making me laugh. "Smack the Domliness into his brain." I burst out laughing because I've had that very mental image the last few weeks. Thank you!

Euryleia, writing fantasies is a great idea. I've been doing it a little, but haven't yet had the nerve to share them with him. It's time to take that next step.

MrDom, (and everyone else, cause you all said it) yes, it is time for more talking.

Feeling a little better and with a smidgen of hope,
jeanne

[tessa]

jeanne, I didn't see this til now. ~hugs~

There are days...weeks actually, when I think, "this is going nowhere!!" Then there are times when it's so perfect, I can't even think. I like what Oz said when he pointed out that your husband may not see you as that submissive type he's always had his mind on. Do you see him as the Dominant of your dreams. Hopefully that answer is 'yes'. It makes the BDSM world you're trying to create and sustain an easier place to settle into. But you may have to readjust your paradigm about each other. And yes, you have to talk about it. But it can be a quick conversation, just to get the idea started. My husband said I was "overwhelming" him with info. So I backed off and just threw little pieces out there. It's helped.

I talked to a Dom the other day who told me that it took a good few years to get comfortable in his Dom skin. That's what I said! But look at it this way, if you will. For your husband's whole life, he's been told what right and okay to think and feel about women. Now, there's this whole other mindset to consider. Just yesterday, I was watching a show about a woman that was distressed when her husband would hold her down with his foot and declare his ownership over her. My husband was with me and about at the same time as I said, "what's so wrong with that?", he said, "a man can't do that." Then I said, "yes he can, if it's within the accepted limits of a safe, respectful and consensual relationship." We looked at each other and had that moment of connecting and understanding. Little moments like that help, too. (Now I know what abuse is, so please don't think I'm advocating abuse of any sort.)

Also, suggestions about what would be fun to try and pictures of said activities that just happen to find a way into his view might also encourage him to try more with you. "Honey, it would feel so good if we..." along with a visual can't be all bad, right?

Just hold his hand tight and ask him to walk with you.

All the very best-
tessa

[jeanne]

Oh, tessa, thank you so much for your thoughful reply. I do throw suggestions out there. Here's an example from last week:

2 days before I leave for the beach. We're going to be separated for almost 5 days. So I say that this would be a chance to try some control. Him controlling me (a personal hot button of mine). I could only masturbate and cum when he gave me permission. And I ask him what he thinks. His response: I'll think about it. And that was the end of that. No more discussion, no control, I'm masturbating all over the damn place (well, not really, but sorta, if you know what I mean! ) and I'm unhappy. How much clearer do I need to be???

Another example, same trip away, we're talking on the phone. I tell him how much I miss his cock in my mouth, how empty my mouth feels, etc. And how I can't wait to see him and have him there. His response: maybe you can do that on the way home. Maybe???? Could I get just a little bit of damn enthusiasm out of him? This is the man who couldn't keep his hands off me for 22 years!

Aarrghh! Do I sound frustrated? I hope so, because that's how I feel. Am I even really submitting at this point? What am I submitting to? A dream, a hope, a fantasy, a wish?

Oh, I'm just sick of listening to myself whine, so I'll stop now.

Clapping my hand over my own mouth to stop that irritating Waah sound,
jeanne

[nightsilver]

2 days before I leave for the beach. We're going to be separated for almost 5 days. So I say that this would be a chance to try some control. Him controlling me (a personal hot button of mine). I could only masturbate and cum when he gave me permission. And I ask him what he thinks. His response: I'll think about it. And that was the end of that. No more discussion, no control, I'm masturbating all over the damn place (well, not really, but sorta, if you know what I mean! ) and I'm unhappy. How much clearer do I need to be???

Another example, same trip away, we're talking on the phone. I tell him how much I miss his cock in my mouth, how empty my mouth feels, etc. And how I can't wait to see him and have him there. His response: maybe you can do that on the way home. Maybe???? Could I get just a little bit of damn enthusiasm out of him? This is the man who couldn't keep his hands off me for 22 years!

Perhaps he thinks these are things you want, and being dominant it is not his role to give you what he wants so he is denying you these things? Only reasoning I can think of that is not named already.