Hi Ghost,

Here is what I would do, with some notes in italic (good excerpt, BTW - smoking is a fetish with me, so I like the cigar! ):

I'm thinking you're wanting to write in third-person ("God" POV) here, but it's coming off a second-person. You can "sort of" mix tenses in third-person, but with care (see my post on "viewpoints" in the Forums). Also, when you use explicit actions like *pant* , it only really works in first-person. I, personally, don't use these actions, but this may be your style. Notice I passified the verbs... this is more indicative of third-person, if you want to go that way, but it doesn't have to be.

Mr Evans walked into the prefect meeting, red-faced and wheezing. Mr M and
the new school prefects all turned to look at him. They were annoyed at
having been distracted from watching the change rooms, as well as amused at his having to actually break a sweat today.

Note the punctuation with the elipses. When using an elipse in the middle of a sentence, use three dots. When ending a sentence, use four. They can be tricky, but I enjoy using them, too. Helps to simulate real dialogue, when used in moderation.

“Those girls you sent me…." he panted, "are an energetic couple of cunts…." He took another exhausted breath. "Too much energy for their own good.” He slumps on his chair, exhausted.

“So what you’re saying,” Mr M replied, “is that you worked them
hard, like I asked?”

There are times when you want to use elipses and times when you want to use a "---" (an em-dash? Not sure on that one). The difference, I believe, is that elipses are used to simulate long pauses mid-dialogue in one idea or statement, while the em-dash is usually used to frame, or lead to, another different idea or statement. Sigh... the best I can articulate it, I'm afraid.

“Yes. Those bitches wouldn’t stop talking and laughing…like they
don’t have a care in the world...no matter how many goddamn times
I ran them around the field! I made them sprint 30 times from goal to
goal --- even had them do 200 sits-ups, as fast as they could. They just kept coming back for more, even laughing --- like it was some stupid
game! Don’t get me wrong --- it’s not like I ran with them, but I can
only yell at them to run faster for so long, before it starts to hurt.
I finally had to start walking, so I didn’t have to yell as much.”
“But did you break them in?” Mr M said, wondering where his star pupils were, not turning away from the two-way mirror.

Sometimes you use a semi-colon when a colon would be more appropos. Colons annouce a specific thought, Semi-colons break up two related thoughts, but you should use them carefully. Generally, if you can connect the two thoughts with the word "and," a semi-colon is appropriate, and more stream-lined.

“They're sprinting 15 more laps around the oval; they were looking
pretty haggard by the time I left to join you. One thing is for sure:
after today, their endurance will have increased ten-fold. I didn’t
become a champion soccer coach without knowing how to make a
body work beyond its limits.”

As if on cue, the door to the change room limped open, and two very sorry looking waifs tumbled in. As they held each other up for balance, Mr M was happy to see that, despite having been pushed to their limits, the spark was still
in their eyes. He leaned back, lit a Cuban, and watched the scene unfold
on the other side of the glass.

The girls slumped on the benches, wheezing and gasping for breath to fill
their tiny lungs. Being forced to look at each other’s pain only increased their misery.

I would make sure the reader knows the two girls are Mae and Loli. It's not clear who Mae is from this excerpt.

Loli broke the silence.

“Why did he do that? What did we do wrong? My whole body hurts. It’s
so unfair.” They looked at the other girls, happily showering after the
round robin tennis match, who looked back with curiosity. Some even appeared to be
jealous of the extra attention being paid to them, and Mae and Loli looked at each other in disbelief.

You need to clarify a speaker in the next case.
“Well at least Mr M is nice," x said. Both girls nodded, and untied each other’s laces.


Hope this helps. The best way to improve is read, read, read, and keep writing ---- always keep writing.

Good luck,

GD