Should I be mad when the first that comes out of a Doms' mouth is about BDSM/sex?

[Flaming_Redhead]

You are on an adult site where the main focus is alternative lifestyles and kinky sex. I have to assume that your are an adult. Why would you bother coming here if the topics discussed, either in public or in private, offend your delicate sensibilities? You used going to a bar as an example. Guess what? If you go to a bar not looking to get laid, you still go with the understanding that you may, in fact, receive undesirable attention. Does it keep you from going? Do you complain to all the other patrons of the bar about how all you want to do is get drunk but have to put up with being hit on in the process? PUH-LEEZE!

[DesertDom]

DesertDom did bring up a good point, and I understand and agree with his logic, but I do have a counter argument:
Yes, if you’re on a sports forum people will likely bring it up as an ice-breaker, but you’re dealing with a non-personal subject.

If you’re on a dating forum, talking to someone for the first time, bdsm forum, you’re on a very personal subject, and that subject does deserve at least a little respect.

I really don't consider this a dating forum. To me, it is a bdsm themed forum in which the 'personals' section is presented as a small subset of the overall forum. There are also stories, images, experiences. etc sections. All bdsm themed, personals, again is just a small piece of the overall pie.

And given the overall suggestive nature ( the ads, images, etc) of every page that is viewed, some will get the impression that anything goes. I understand why the ads are there, but personally I feel that the site owners have gone way too far with them and have learned to simply ignore them. They don't make any click-through money on me. Side topic, I digress.

bambina, it isn't just men who promote the quick orgasms here, I get approached at least once a day via private message or during chat from a woman (or a man pretending to be a woman) wanting to get it on, so to speak. I just tell them, I don't have time right now and move on.
Then there are those who come here for the quick orgasm and they keep coming back , so their needs must be met.

It's not one size fits all. So, it would probably be best if you decide to hang around to develop a response strategy for those whose interests don't fall in line with yours. It just isn't worth getting upset.

[Pearlgem]

The only thing I find tedious is stupidity. If someone wants to open a conversation with 'a/s/l', let them, but seeing it saves me precious time trying to connect with them. I think people on here can connect in many ways, through being sociable, sexual, playful etc. It depends on the circumstances of the conversation, their understanding of the person they're talking to and their own personality and proclivities, but this is a grown-up, not to say kinky site so you might expect a bit of sexual banter as a conversation opener. It needn't offend you. Why should it? Just be yourself and have the sort of conversations you want to have.

Now, Ozme52 is well able to take care of himself, (and I'm looking forward to it) but he's really not an example of the type of thick predator you describe in your original post. He's witty, direct, fun, knowledgeable and sharp as a tack. It seems that's not your type, though it is mine!

[bambina]

Flaming redhead, Actually I DO avoid places like that because of the unwanted attention. I don't go out looking to hook up and therefore avoid the common places where people do go to hook up (bars, clubs, parties, etc...). I came here because it 'seemed' like a tame site. Sure there was BDSM, but the community seemed to be void of those people who make clubs and bars and parties ever so unpleasant.

But in short Flaming redhead, yes it does keep me from going. My conclusion (after writing this thread) is that this is the best I can do and that I have to accept that I can't expect much more from guys. It's just sad that this is the best that guys can do and that holding the same respect for women here that they do in real life is just asking too much.

And I'm not bitching. besides, this is my thread, remember?

p.s: I don't drink

[IAmCanadian]

It's the nature of the beast. I actually think skipping perfunctory conversation and getting to the important question of BDSM compatibility is the right way to go. Of course, there's a way to do it without sounding like a slavering wolf on the hunt for fresh subs.

[hopperboo]

there's a way to do it without sounding like a slavering wolf on the hunt for fresh subs.

...I think a lot of dominants haven't figured this out yet.

Cybering and getting to know someone are two totally different things that haven't been mastered by some yet.






Sadly enough bambina I you are going to have to wade through guys that may get a little too personal, too quickly, no matter where you are. People just expect more of an...openness on a site like this. (Even if they sometimes go about it the wrong way).

[DesertDom]

My conclusion (after writing this thread) is that this is the best I can do and that I have to accept that I can't expect much more from guys. It's just sad that this is the best that guys can do and that holding the same respect for women here that they do in real life is just asking too much.

You are perhaps painting all men with the same broad brush based on attention that you receive from a few. I do have to say that you are quite wrong here.

[bambina]

I suppose I shouldn't be that conclusive about all men. After all I have run into some nice ones, both young and old. But (nice as they are) they still end up bringing up BDSM within the first 3 sentences even though they don't know me. And, after we find out that we are not compatible, they just leave. As if friendship is out of the question. Even if we get along, if they find out that we could go no further than friendly conversation, then they wish me luck and move on.

[hopperboo]

Well...I kind of understand how you are not comfortable with that.

Maybe you need to just ask them if things could go slow (chatting wise) I mean.

Good luck hon.

[StormKat]

Sure there is Ozm52 but that's okay. I don't think you and I will reach a common ground.

Basically, Ozme52 is a prime example of the kind of men I dislike on this site. They feel justified in approaching others in ways I detest just because of the context of this website. Sure it has strong sexual overtones but that doesn't mean you shouldn't approach someone with caution and care here because you have no idea whether or not they are comfortable discussing such things in detail. In real life, the reason men watch what they say and are careful with what they say is because of respect. Men in real life carry a certain level of respect (or at least fake it) for women and, even if they do want sex, they STILL are careful about what they say. So...news flash gentlemen. We are women, too. Just because we seek a certain taboo lifestyle doesn't mean we don't want to be treated as if we were approached in real life. It doesn't mean respect goes out the window just because of the lifestyle we've chosen.

EVERYONE in real life wants to find a life partner and mate but that doesn't mean it's okay to talk about sex in the first 5 minutes. People may be sexual beings but that doesn't mean that it's okay to shoot straight for sex in a conversation. You work up to it over time when you are comfortable with the person you are around and vice versa. So why abandon that principle here?

Guys, you respect a women enough to at least introduce yourself and ask the girl about her interests in real life. You should hold the same level of respect here.

At first I was seeking an explanation to why men act a certain way and whether or not I should just accept it. But now I realize that those who act and think like Ozme52 don't deserve my time. If a guy can't take 5 minutes in the beginning to at least learn the basics about me then I am better off without him. I made this thread with an open mind. Now I'm a little upset that there are guys out there who think approaching me on the topic of BDSM straight out is okay. I don't feel comfortable discussing such things with a stranger. It's not me. And I hate how guys assume that everyone is cool with it. It seems I will have to write on my profile that I don't discuss BDSM or sex with strangers because, like it or not, there are inconsiderate, impatient, rude people out there who are selfishly only looking out for themselves and care not how the other party could potentially feel about a certain topic. It's a shame. It's a damn shame.

This is an adult-oriented BDSM website - why would anyone think a member here, someone who has taken the time to register an account of her own, would be uncomfortable discussing things of a sexual nature? This is not real life either, people come here, online, to meet others with similar interests - why wouldn't they use those topics to open a conversation? If these standard practices are so offensive to you, perhaps this isn't an appropriate forum for you to meet people.

I think you are offering sweeping generalizations based on your own perceptions of what both men & women want, not considering that while your viewpoint is valid for you, it may not apply to others. I'm a person but I'm certainly not looking for a "life partner or mate" either here or in real life. Friends, yes, but there's no reason the conversations in which that friendship is founded can't start out from a discussion of our sexual interests. And while I do think that rudeness is inappropriate, I don't have any problems with someone - male or female - being direct about their interests or what they're looking for. I also don't think that directness is disrespectful. I'd rather have someone tell me what they're thinking or ask me what they really want to know up front rather than beating around the bush with mindless pleasantries for an hour. It's my choice as to whether I answer the question, change the subject, or end the conversation. That information will help determine what kind of friendship - or more - could grow out of the initial discussion. Also don't assume that just because I'm not actively seeking out a long-term relationship that I'm just looking for a string of random encounters with anyone who's interested - I'm much more highly selective than that. But how the conversation started isn't nearly as important to me as where it ends up going.

[GearJammer]

Well, kiddo, I was going to tell you how good some of the advice was, then I saw the bottom of the first page and the second page.

Seems that you have been given two categories of advice:

1. It's not too much to ask, if that's what you need.

2. It is too much to ask, this is a sex site, get with the program.

I'll fall into the first category.

IF, however, IF it were true that all subs need to feel like mere sex objects (which some do) then I'd fall into the second category. That is the ONLY basis for agreeing with the second category, and again, all subs DO NOT have a repressed (or known) desire to be merely a breathing masturbation object.

Continue looking. Yes, you will have to wade through a lot of guys who are only here for the immediate sex (just like, to a lesser degree, I would have to wade through a lot of girls that are only here for immediate sex), but if you are worth it to you (and I think you are), then you are worth it, period.

Frankly, I'd go nuts with a sub that only was there to be my cum receptacle. Thank goodness, kurious is smart, engaging, and capable of initiating fun stuff. Otherwise, I'd be done with her after the first or second cum. That's not a relationship, that's high school junk.

Oh, and hopperboo, it appears this goes for you, too. Best of luck.

[fellintobed]

You know, bambina, I was supportive at first, but I'm growing increasingly frustrated with your attitude.

You cannot control others. You can control yourself. It's that simple.

Stop belittling everyone who doesn't match your standards, for heaven's sake, and do some introspection on WHY you demand others change to suit you (are any of us so special that we can get away with that?) and WHY you are on a sex site if you are so easily offended by people who, surprise surprise, want to talk about sex.

Maturity and patience will get you far. Petulance and self-righteousness will not.

[bambina]

I'm not belittling anyone. That's the last thing I'm doing. I just expected more. I just don't like how if something deals with sex, things have to be ALL about sex. Since a lot of people go to bars to hook up, bars are labeled as places to hook up with people. Heaven forbid someone would actually want to go in a bar just to be social with friends and have a drink or two. Sure, one might find a nice guy or girl to be friends with (that could develop into more) by chance but does that always have to be the driving force? I'd love to find a Dom but I'm not pouring through profiles trying to scope out one. I sit back. Relax. Have a conversation or two. Just so happen to run into someone who is fun to talk with (about non-sexual things). Become their friend. Get to know them over a course of a few days. Maybe we move on to the topic of BDSM.

But there I go dreaming again.

[blythe spirit]

Hun, in your profile it states that you're seeking a "compatible" Dom. So, how do they know whether or not they are compatible with you, if they don't ask BDSM related questions?

If you're just looking for Dom friends, why don't you change your profile to state that? This way you can have all the time in the world to decide whether or not someone can meet your BDSM needs.

[Pearlgem]

Where are all these sex predators on this site that you can't fling a half brick out the window without hitting one? Why have I only come across intelligent, friendly, amusing folk on here?
Why haven't I been pestered in this way? What's wrong with me?
I demand my rights!

[hopperboo]

LOLOL PearlJem

[bambina]

blythespirit my profile also states that I want guys to get to know ME first. As in, before BDSM even comes into the picture. But I suppose even that isn't enough. There is no room to add anything to my user title so I'll just add it somewhere else.

[hopperboo]

There is no room to add anything to my user title so I'll just add it somewhere else.

LOLOL

You might get a comment here or there that IS BDSM beforehand (even if it's not a "cyber" message...try not to discount the men that do that right away, just ask them nicely to take a step back).



You seem like you are very "upset" about this and I feel like this isn't the first topic you've seemed upset or I guess worried about.

I can understand how you feel because when I first started in BDSM areas a couple of years ago EVERYTHING made me extremely mad. The term "slave," the idea that a slave is a "thing" in some people's eyes...the idea that I had to actually be a submissive (which is funny because that is what I wanted - and still want), but...just...anything and everything was upsetting. I really hope you stick around and you don't feel to angry about things in general. It gets easier. I am very different from the person I was when I first started chatting / posting on BDSM forums. I'm still "me," but I try to be more respectful of people, and I try very hard to not let my own feelings and morals get in the way of my making new friends and get in the way of feeling how I do about BDSM in general.

(Though it's something I'm sure I will always be working on because I am an opinionated person).

Hugs.



p.s. Sorry if that whole thing is way off base.

[Ozme52]

Sure there is Ozm52 but that's okay. I don't think you and I will reach a common ground.

Basically, Ozme52 is a prime example of the kind of men I dislike on this site. They feel justified in approaching others in ways I detest just because of the context of this website. Sure it has strong sexual overtones but that doesn't mean you shouldn't approach someone with caution and care here because you have no idea whether or not they are comfortable discussing such things in detail. In real life, the reason men watch what they say and are careful with what they say is because of respect. Men in real life carry a certain level of respect (or at least fake it) for women and, even if they do want sex, they STILL are careful about what they say. So...news flash gentlemen. We are women, too. Just because we seek a certain taboo lifestyle doesn't mean we don't want to be treated as if we were approached in real life. It doesn't mean respect goes out the window just because of the lifestyle we've chosen.

EVERYONE in real life wants to find a life partner and mate but that doesn't mean it's okay to talk about sex in the first 5 minutes. People may be sexual beings but that doesn't mean that it's okay to shoot straight for sex in a conversation. You work up to it over time when you are comfortable with the person you are around and vice versa. So why abandon that principle here?

Guys, you respect a women enough to at least introduce yourself and ask the girl about her interests in real life. You should hold the same level of respect here.

At first I was seeking an explanation to why men act a certain way and whether or not I should just accept it. But now I realize that those who act and think like Ozme52 don't deserve my time. If a guy can't take 5 minutes in the beginning to at least learn the basics about me then I am better off without him. I made this thread with an open mind. Now I'm a little upset that there are guys out there who think approaching me on the topic of BDSM straight out is okay. I don't feel comfortable discussing such things with a stranger. It's not me. And I hate how guys assume that everyone is cool with it. It seems I will have to write on my profile that I don't discuss BDSM or sex with strangers because, like it or not, there are inconsiderate, impatient, rude people out there who are selfishly only looking out for themselves and care not how the other party could potentially feel about a certain topic. It's a shame. It's a damn shame.

WHOA & WTF!!

In as much as you have never been approached by me, you have a lot of nerve characterizing me in any manner.

I merely think your need to rant about this site, denigrating the membership, and painting them with the broad brush of your latent disgust, is tiresome. I disagree with most of your opinions and am constantly appalled by your characterizations of people who think differently than you.

Maybe only one kind of person approaches you, (the ones who don't participate in the forum discussions and don't read your tirades,) because of how you act in the forums.

Regardless, implying in any manner that I have treated you as you described in this thread is an unfounded LIE.

[hopperboo]

I know some of her comments might be offensive, but I really felt the same way when I first started on BDSM forums and I chilled out quite a bit.

Sometimes people just need a little time.

*Hopes that everyone will be able to get along.* And hug. I like hugs. lol.

[Torq]

OK< Folks Thread closed will be moved shortly,,certain members WILL be getting a PM as to their FLAMING. I guess some folks will never learn!!!!!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

T