Hello kathy~
Welcome to the forums.
I know it is hard to exercise patience, but please do not jeopardize your personal safety. It would take far more patience (and work) than you might imagine, for you to recover from a tragedy in the hospital or rehab environment – if you are even able to do so. Please take up vigilance in the area of self protection.

The lovely vicmal96 recently posted a link to a thread you might find helpful:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...l=1#post905867
If you are open to further advice, I would suggest you read several articles and apply the (particularly safety) tips. Please, cease with the “stupid risks” you admit you are engaging in and ask yourself some pertinent questions as to why you would do such.

Welcome to the site, I hope you find it a useful resource. I wish you well on your journey.