Inner Conflict

[ladysinaz]

This thread is highly entertaining to me, i coudn't have opened this thread any better had i said it myself. Took the words right out of my head,

It seems there are a few of us strong will women kicking around here longing to have that 1 man be the one in control of us.

It is kind of a strange feeling to need to rule the world
yet need to feel owned at the same time

can be a frusterating feeling as well depending on the circumstance

[tessa]

Part of the reason that I was so very stunned when I realized that I am a sub, is because in my normal life I am a very dominant person. I must control every aspect of my life. If ever someone challenges that control, there would be hell to pay. I am wholly unwilling to relinquish that control to anybody, ever.

I believe there is a great deal of difference between "control" and "Dominance". To me, they are separate and quite distinct from each other. The need to control, for me anyway, stems from my fear of a few specific things. I'm quite controlling, but not even an ounce Dominant.

Yet, I recently discovered that I have a deep longing to give myself completely to someone, to totally submit and relinquish that control. I feel I want that control to permeate all corners of my life to at least some degree. But I want to be able to do this without having to give up my dominant role in the world.

Perhaps being a Switch would allow you to experience both worlds? Just a thought.

Another question. I am currently in a relationship that is developing, we have not yet been intimate beyond what can be accomplished over the internet. He seems willing to test the waters of this with me, but I have concerns. I'm worried that, because He is not Dom by nature that He will never truly be able to fulfill that role the way I so need him to.

If he is not a Dominant by nature, please proceed with caution regarding seeking his interest in this. It almost always ends up miserable for both if the issue is forced.

Best of all to you.
tessa

[good_girl]

I find for myself there have been way too many parts of my life that I have had no choice but to be in complete control, and quite frankly I'm tired of it.
This is not to say that I want to give up all control in all areas of my life, I do enjoy having some, but at the end of my 8 hours at work I am quite happy to leave it there. My past relationship (long story) was one where I had no choice but to be in complete control all the time, thus it being a past relationship, I simply couldn't take it anymore. I find it refreshing now to have met someone I enjoy, who is willing (and happy) to accept the responsibility of what I have given him, he does not control every aspect of my life, but when I see him, or hear his voice, or even open an e-mail from him I feel relief in that I am no longer in a position where I have to make all the decisions, it's like a breath of fresh air to me, and for the first time in my life I feel I can breathe deeply.

[HollyBlue]

I find for myself there have been way too many parts of my life that I have had no choice but to be in complete control, and quite frankly I'm tired of it.
This is not to say that I want to give up all control in all areas of my life, I do enjoy having some, but at the end of my 8 hours at work I am quite happy to leave it there. My past relationship (long story) was one where I had no choice but to be in complete control all the time, thus it being a past relationship, I simply couldn't take it anymore. I find it refreshing now to have met someone I enjoy, who is willing (and happy) to accept the responsibility of what I have given him, he does not control every aspect of my life, but when I see him, or hear his voice, or even open an e-mail from him I feel relief in that I am no longer in a position where I have to make all the decisions, it's like a breath of fresh air to me, and for the first time in my life I feel I can breathe deeply.

You've expressed my experience, almost exactly. From growing up too fast and becoming "lady of the house" at age fourteen because of my mother's illness and death from breast cancer, to marrying too young and trying to take care of a full-grown little boy for fourteen years, to taking over projects and leading people my entire working career...I wanted nothing more than to let go. Rather than type my thoughts on the subject all over again, I'll refer to a blog post I made, in hopes that reading it may help someone who is struggling with confusion about living a dominant life with a submissive's heart:

The Snow Leopard

[good_girl]

You've expressed my experience, almost exactly. From growing up too fast and becoming "lady of the house" at age fourteen because of my mother's illness and death from breast cancer, to marrying too young and trying to take care of a full-grown little boy for fourteen years, to taking over projects and leading people my entire working career...I wanted nothing more than to let go. Rather than type my thoughts on the subject all over again, I'll refer to a blog post I made, in hopes that reading it may help someone who is struggling with confusion about living a dominant life with a submissive's heart:

The Snow Leopard

I read your blog, and although my story is different than yours is has it's share of similarities. I recently got a tattoo of an angelfish, symbolic of me, the angelfish looks beautiful and delicate but is actually a very strong fish, a fighter, add to that, although they do fine on their own, they prefer to have a partner, and when in pairs they take care of each other, that is me in a nutshell.

[jeanne]

I find it refreshing now to have met someone I enjoy, who is willing (and happy) to accept the responsibility of what I have given him, he does not control every aspect of my life, but when I see him, or hear his voice, or even open an e-mail from him I feel relief in that I am no longer in a position where I have to make all the decisions, it's like a breath of fresh air to me, and for the first time in my life I feel I can breathe deeply.

Well said. Yes. Exactly.

[White Rabbit]

I think this post addresses an important feature of the D/s lifestyle and a conflict that it present in many of us.
I am often a dominating character in everyday situations. In groups, I'll take charge and make decisions, I'll voice my opinion, I'll lead if a group needs leadership.
But in the bedroom, I'm a very different character, and there is nothing I love more than submitting completely to my Mistress. I feel it is a freeing experience, it releases stress, it takes me to a place that I can't get to any other way.
I'm also interested in the concept of 'topping from the bottom', and exactly what it means. Sometimes, though rarely, I find myself provoking my Mistress just a bit so that she hits or bites harder. Sometimes I like to set up situations, or make objects (I handmade a cane or our 1 year anniversary just last week) for her to use on me. Should I stop doing this? Does anyone else?

[Tufty]

I have to take control of situations when I'm at work; I have to make 'on the spot' decisions; I have to be responsible for other staff members.

I think Ozme52 has hit the nail on the head (certainly in my case) by saying that it's like taking a vacation. It really does make a change to have somebody else 'in control'...even though it may only be for a few hours.

By nature, I'm NOT a submissive person at all but sometime it's nice to have somebody else taking over and telling me what do do for a change.

[deigja]

I have looked over this thread now several times as i´m currently stuck in another conflict myself which I still have to sort out.
I´m kind of a controll freak, always trying to be on the safe side, backing away from everything risky and by this even blockig myself.
I´m torn between my longing to give up control, to feel, to quit thinking and give myself to a man, and my urge to protect myself.
I do this by controlling everything, planning everything.
To the outside this gives me the air of cool selfconfidence that i only wear for others to see. On the inside its more a denial of my feelings to keep myself from beeing hurt.
So my conflict is not between beeing dominant and beeing submissive at the same time on different levels, but between my selfprotection and my wish to totally open up towards someone...giving control to him, showing him my whole self and thus making myself vulnerable

bye
deigja

[deigja]

I have looked over this thread now several times as i´m currently stuck in another conflict myself which I still have to sort out.
I´m kind of a controll freak, always trying to be on the safe side, backing away from everything risky and by this even blockig myself.
I´m torn between my longing to give up control, to feel, to quit thinking and give myself to a man, and my urge to protect myself.
I do this by controlling everything, planning everything.
To the outside this gives me the air of cool selfconfidence that i only wear for others to see. On the inside its more a denial of my feelings to keep myself from beeing hurt.
So my conflict is not between beeing dominant and beeing submissive at the same time on different levels, but between my selfprotection and my wish to totally open up towards someone...giving control to him, showing him my whole self and thus making myself vulnerable

bye
deigja

[jeanne]

...but between my selfprotection and my wish to totally open up towards someone...giving control to him, showing him my whole self and thus making myself vulnerable

I hope you find one you can be that with, deigja. It is an amazing feeling.
Just take your time and be careful, sweetie!

[deigja]

I hope you find one you can be that with, deigja. It is an amazing feeling.
Just take your time and be careful, sweetie!

Thanx jeanne, i´ll take care even if I hope to have already found hte one... I´ll have to wait and see as its still new..

[TomOfSweden]

I have looked over this thread now several times as i´m currently stuck in another conflict myself which I still have to sort out.
I´m kind of a controll freak, always trying to be on the safe side, backing away from everything risky and by this even blockig myself.
I´m torn between my longing to give up control, to feel, to quit thinking and give myself to a man, and my urge to protect myself.
I do this by controlling everything, planning everything.
To the outside this gives me the air of cool selfconfidence that i only wear for others to see. On the inside its more a denial of my feelings to keep myself from beeing hurt.
So my conflict is not between beeing dominant and beeing submissive at the same time on different levels, but between my selfprotection and my wish to totally open up towards someone...giving control to him, showing him my whole self and thus making myself vulnerable

bye
deigja

You've already figured out what your problem is. That's the big, (huuuge) step. Now is the easy part. Deciding how you're going to proceed. You don't have to chose. I've known several people who have both a master and a slave.

Experiment. You don't have to put your whole heart into something. You're bum can be good enough.

[deigja]

[QUOTE=Experiment. You don't have to put your whole heart into something. You're bum can be good enough.[/QUOTE]

It´s not that easy for me as I wish to just one time put my whole heart into it....I have kept it out of it to often already.
But thanx none the less och hälsningar til sverige ;-)

[Sir_Russell]

Why is it that so many subs want to give up control but also want the Dom to be a mind reader. It shows that you don't respect the one you want and that is sad. I just left a relationship where she wanted me as her Dom but she could not stop testing me to see if she could get her way. Instead a Dom, a real one, will rebel against that type of behavior and become either physically forceful or withdraw. Now if what you want is to trigger rage then test often, never be satisfied with what you have, let him know in those subtle ways that you don't trust or believe in him.

Life is way to short for me to want to play childish games or games that I can't win, ie mind reading. Be honest first with yourself about the reasons you test, we all have faults and short comings, if you expect a perfect Dom I just don't know of one.

[Playfulsub]

Life is way to short for me to want to play childish games or games that I can't win, ie mind reading. Be honest first with yourself about the reasons you test, we all have faults and short comings, if you expect a perfect Dom I just don't know of one.

You are absolutely right, Sir Russell. My experience with Doms has been 90% online. As I'm sure you know, there are many, many "wannabes" out there who call themselves Doms but are far from it. I can't tell you how many times I've been approached in a chat room by a "Dom" demanding that I call him Sir immediately, and throwing orders my way expecting me to follow them when I've just met him! I guess my guard is up a bit and I test to see if a Dom is really a Dom and not just some horny top who wants to call me nasty names while he cyber fucks me. Apparently, I've been looking in all the wrong places.

[Sir_Russell]

LOL, Playfulsub,
Sorry I know that you have to test a Dom probably even more in on-line settings. I am just bitter I guess having to walk away from the woman, slave, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with due to that kind of behavior.

As a Master I become totally engrossed with the woman that I select and once I have proven myself as both a man and as a Dom/Master I want that testing to stop. When it doesn't and goes on and on just to trigger a reaction then I will release for both of our goods, even when that is beyond painful to me.

I am searching for my one and willing to talk to you about anything to do with the Life or who you want to be.

[Playfulsub]

I can understand why that would make one bitter. I guess we all come with our 'baggage' - so to speak.

I would love to trust a Dom to the point where the testing will stop. And I believe it will happen eventually. My 'baggage' is trusting someone with my emotional well-being.

LOL, Playfulsub,
Sorry I know that you have to test a Dom probably even more in on-line settings. I am just bitter I guess having to walk away from the woman, slave, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with due to that kind of behavior.

As a Master I become totally engrossed with the woman that I select and once I have proven myself as both a man and as a Dom/Master I want that testing to stop. When it doesn't and goes on and on just to trigger a reaction then I will release for both of our goods, even when that is beyond painful to me.

I am searching for my one and willing to talk to you about anything to do with the Life or who you want to be.

[Sir_Russell]

delia,
I understand the need to test a Dom/Master and I think you agreed with me that once control and respect has been established then testing is no longer needed.

If not, if you are one of those that have to be all ways testing to see if you can cause your Dom to react then you are topping from the bottom. I just don't respond to that type of testing once I have proven myself. I am the one who is in charge or in control but I also believe that her submission is a gift that she has the right to withdraw. Constant testing tells me she needs someone that offer other then I offer.

[Tufty]

So my advice? If you are a sub that likes to push... try what I almost failed to try in time: use your words. They explain things that your body never can, that your Dominant can't "sense".

Communication, like all things in lifestyle, is a two way street.

Absolutely right! I had a wonderful relationship with a lady a few years ago - and if I hadn't talked to her about my 'sub' side, I would never have realiesd that she had a Domme side...and she had never found a male sub to play with.

There's always a 50/50 chance in life (better than most odds) and it will either be a 'yes' or a 'no'...but you won't know until you talk about it.

[Wedjat]

I've read this entire thread in one sitting, and I feel like I should say something, but not sure where to start.

I was talking yesterday with my friend and mentor on this site (you know who you are, Sir : ) and made the comment that you really can't judge anyone except as an individual - something I believe very deeply. That's the real problem with any stereotype - they're always wrong on an individual level even if they fit some general classification. I think that works here too. While we may even see ourselves as various labels, we are all still individuals struggling to figure out who we are and how we might fit in, when it all really comes down to how two people can best mesh their lives. That's true of any relationship, bdsm or not. There are just different labels here to work through.

Feminist is one label, submissive another one, and I don't see why they can't co-exist. I've struggled with the concept of combining the two as well, and there have been some very good comments on this thread that have helped me too. Each person has to work it out for him or herself. In the so-called idealized relationship of 1950's 60's TV women were basically subservient, but weren't really getting much out of it to my mind. I think being submissive in an equal relationship, where both parties respect and care about the other is something to shoot for and shouldn't make the woman less than she is. Feminism shouldn't be about one gender being better than the other, but respecting each other - I think a lot of feminists have wanted respect without returning it or earning it. I like what my friend has said about submission being a gift and the comments that a good submissive should be strong. For me,that type of submission would be very freeing to be myself, and if that isn't femininism I don't know what is.

More personally, I have never,ever understood women who see the need to test someone else's affection - it really just doesn't make sense to me. I hope that doesn't sound judgemental, I just want to say that even the label of 'female' shouldn't include an assumption that ALL women are like that. Do some women act that way because they think they're supposed to? or have been socialized to it? or saw their mothers do that sort of thing? The answers are as individual as each person.

Geez, I'm really rambling here, I'll shut up now : )

[jeanne]

...and if that isn't femininism I don't know what is.

Very well said!

[Sir_Russell]

Wedjat
Well said and well thought out. I only have one question who is this handsome, intelligent, all knowing mentor you speak of.

Very proud of your writing.

[Wedjat]

Thank you Jeanne, and thank you too Sir, that means a lot to me. Did I mention that he's humble too? : )

[Ozme52]

Well... pushing and testing is all well and good... and probably necessary in most cases, perhaps all online cases. But sometimes, you find the perfect round peg to fit in the perfect round hole.

And all that 'conflict' proves to be unnecessary. I haven't felt pushed or tested and she doesn't seem to have the need to try. We learn what each the other needs and desires as we take the journey together.

Yet our time together has been exquisitely intense... yet immensely comfortable.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Are there others who seem to have this inner conflict? How do you reconcile the two vastly different sides of yourself? Is it possible to retain that side of yourself, and still be completely His (when you find your Dom)?

Another question. I am currently in a relationship that is developing, we have not yet been intimate beyond what can be accomplished over the internet. He seems willing to test the waters of this with me, but I have concerns. I'm worried that, because He is not Dom by nature that He will never truly be able to fulfill that role the way I so need him to.

I had a great deal of inner conflict when I began exploring this lifestyle. On the one hand, I craved more than anything to find someone who would take control, but on the other hand, I was terrified to let anyone take control. I have reconciled the 2 vastly different sides of myself because one of them is merely a facade for the benefit of the outside world. The other side is my true self which the world has tried to destroy over and over and over. I had been "pretending" to be a bitch, i.e. strong, independent woman, for years because if you're not, people will run all over you. I learned early in life that people will use you and abuse you if you let them, and there's not very many people you can trust or depend on to help you. I have no problem anymore standing up for myself or others when I feel a serious wrong has been committed. I've become comfortable being a bitch because it's safe. However, I'm not really comfortable being in charge of others. It's not me. It's not what I want, but people perceive me a certain way and then put me in a position to make decisions. If I feel you can't make good decisions or just won't make a decision, then I have no choice but to take control. Even though it might be empowering, I hate it! I'm really a subbie at heart, but I keep it hidden. I've been slowly revealing it to my dom because he's passed all the "testing." My testing him comes from my inability to trust that he has my best interest at heart. I don't need to test him anymore. I'm satified that he's the real deal. So, yes, I can be completely his, but the rest of the world can kiss my ass! They don't have my best interest at heart.

As far as this budding relationship with a vanilla goes, I wouldn't recommend it. Why waste your time and his? Guys will say anything to get with you, but if he's not really dominant, then you'll only end up frustrated and unhappy. Sure, he may want to "try" it....how many times have I heard that? Hm...2-3 times last year...but their hearts weren't in it. Don't settle for anything less than what you want and need in a partner!

[Playfulsub]

I had a great deal of inner conflict when I began exploring this lifestyle. On the one hand, I craved more than anything to find someone who would take control, but on the other hand, I was terrified to let anyone take control. I have reconciled the 2 vastly different sides of myself because one of them is merely a facade for the benefit of the outside world. The other side is my true self which the world has tried to destroy over and over and over. I had been "pretending" to be a bitch, i.e. strong, independent woman, for years because if you're not, people will run all over you. I learned early in life that people will use you and abuse you if you let them, and there's not very many people you can trust or depend on to help you. I have no problem anymore standing up for myself or others when I feel a serious wrong has been committed. I've become comfortable being a bitch because it's safe. However, I'm not really comfortable being in charge of others. It's not me. It's not what I want, but people perceive me a certain way and then put me in a position to make decisions. If I feel you can't make good decisions or just won't make a decision, then I have no choice but to take control. Even though it might be empowering, I hate it! I'm really a subbie at heart, but I keep it hidden. I've been slowly revealing it to my dom because he's passed all the "testing." My testing him comes from my inability to trust that he has my best interest at heart. I don't need to test him anymore. I'm satified that he's the real deal. So, yes, I can be completely his, but the rest of the world can kiss my ass! They don't have my best interest at heart.

Wow, thank you for putting this into words. This is also me, to a T.

[caligirl{Rob}]

i look at it as my strength, ability and willingness to handle my everyday life makes my submission to Him a more precious gift

hugs,
cali

[Wedjat]

His little one, I'm so happy for you . It's nice to see the support all of the subs on here are giving to each other too.

[His_little one]

Thanks Wedjat. I agree --I think it's great how supportive everyone is on this site. I've been on other forum sites that are no where near as sincere as it is here -- It's great to be able to share your thoughts and feelings and have them be respected and appreciated even if everyone doesn't necessarily agree.