BDSM And Feminism: Intertwined? How So?

[his_girl_l]

i just wanted to draw attention to a question in my earlier post that i am really intererested in hearing the answer to. Sorry if it's slightly off topic.

Does consensual bdsm as we would recognise it exist in countries that haven't been affected by the feminist/ equal rights movements?

i have no idea and i am really interested to know

[damyanti]

This post was written by an Indian women (though I think she lives in US) and I am posting it here...as a pinch of reality and sanity.

As far as hard-core feminists go, I probably am not a contender to be one. I agreed to my father-in-law's condition that I stay at home in order to marry his son. That is, I agreed not to work outside of home. I took my husband's last name. I stayed at home after my first daughter was born. Because I wanted to. I like to cook and "keep house". And, *gasp* I wear a bra!! Okay, the last one was my feeble attempt at humor.

But the fact is, if you look at my actions and decisions in the last decade and a half, I don't come across as a feminist. Yes, I made one choice that I regret - gave in to an unreasonable demand that I won't work outside of home. Apart from that, I don't regret any other decisions I made. Yet I believe that I AM a feminist.

You see, I believe feminism is not about working outside of home, or about keeping your name. It isn't even about not letting men open doors for you or giving up a seat for you in the bus. I think feminism is about choice. Being able to choose. As simple as that.

So I can choose to stay at home to look after my kids while my husband goes out to earn, because I believe that is the best thing for my family. Or I can choose to work and to send my kids to a daycare, if I believe that is what will benefit me and my family. Or I can stay home because I HAVE to - maybe the finances don't permit me to send the kids to the daycare or due to some medical condition my kid has due to which I am not comfortable sending her to daycare. As long as the decision is mine. As long as it is not imposed upon me. As long as I don't stay home because "that is what daughters in law of this family do". Sometimes these decisions cannot, and should not, be taken in isolation. Both partners have to make a joint decision. But as long as one partner's wish is not being imposed on the other, it should be fine.


Yet, I have seen so many males proudly proclaiming that they are very "open minded and forward thinking" because they insist their wife work outside of home. Or women admitting proudly they don't do anything around the house because, well because they are "educated" and "not like those women who stay home". I have a second cousin who refused to marry into a family because she did not want to do any house chores and they couldn't afford a full-time maid. I have seen people proudly say "Oh, we will let our daughter-in-law work outside the house if she wants to". I agree that it is pretty mature of them to do so, keeping in mind that there are countless others who stifle their daughters in law for the sake of their false pride. But is it really being "open minded"? That you "allow" your daughter in law to work? Isn't assuming that you can allow, or disallow an adult, quite contrary to being open minded and forward thinking??

And then, it gets tricky in my mind. You see, I also know and accept that the sexes are not biologically equal. Does that make me anti-feminism? That I accept my gender's limitations? I am not saying my gender should be discriminated against on this basis. So just because women are the (physically) weaker sex, doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed in mines or on battlefields or aboard spaceships. Equality of sexes, to me, means both sexes should be given an equal opportunity to try things. So, yes, a woman should be given a chance to opt for Mining as her major in engineering college. AND a man should be give an opportunity to be a stay-at-home dad if he wants to. Equality means both sexes should have same legal, financial and political rights. You get paid according to the effort you put in. You get a job if you can prove you are capable of doing it.

And no one, NO ONE, has the right to judge you on the basis of the choices you made.


http://my2centstoo.blogspot.com/2008...-do-i-fit.html

[damyanti]

Does consensual bdsm as we would recognise it exist in countries that haven't been affected by the feminist/ equal rights movements?

i have no idea and i am really interested to know

I by no means claim to be an expert, but I did have more than a passing brush with Islam.

The basis of marital relations is that they are to be lived "in a good way" (bi'l ma`ruf), as Allah tells us in the Qur'an. Each spouse strives to give the other their rights--including the fulfillment of their sexual needs--but within this paradigm of "in a good way."

Islam prohibits sex with a female when she is menstruating and anal sex. Any other sex between a married couple should be fine so long as they agree to it.

The wife does not have to obey unreasonable sexual requests such as bondage or the use of sex toys. If she decides to agree to such matters--in a way that is not physically, emotionally, or relationally harmful nor demeaning or unbecoming of Allah's honoring of humans--then this is purely her own decision, and the husband does not have the right to "demand" such matters.

I did try to investigate Islam and BDSM on-line in more detail, but sadly there is little to nothing available.