chalsia

i recently opened up here and of course fell flat on my face. oh yes some say that i did it on purpose that i set myself and everyone else up for failure. perhaps.. perhaps i'm the one who just does all this to satisfy my masochistic side inside myself. Never-mind that i truly do not think i have a masochistic bone in my body. Perhaps a craving to be hurt at times to someone who likes inflicting pain, but nothing more.. there is no yearning or craving for pain.
I was told i'm running away to this blog, for the safety and anonymity of this blog.. perhaps.. perhaps i do.. but i do not do it for anyone else, but myself and to myself.
i find it harder to fit in anywhere i suppose, and this gives me a place where i can write my thoughts without having to worry what others will say or think.
i tried the chat rooms but i'm lost there, certainly do not fit in that forum, they have their friends already, and are close and i'm just sitting there, sometimes have enough nerve to greet new people, but that is about it.
i do not know the protocol there, some message me in private and i do not know what to say or behave. Some assume that i'm desperate for a Master, i'm not so sure about my degree of desperation. Would i love to find someone to surrender my heart and soul and body to? Of course i do. But i do not think such surrender will come overnight, or in a chat room for that matter.
In a way i think there must be something wrong with me. I watch in the rooms and see the girls and they are all so wonderful, they all are popular and well *wanted*. Some others make enough noise to get what they want. And then there are those of us who just sit back and *shrugs*, not sure how to explain it.
Well enough of my rambling and my running to this blod, i suppose i will do it less and less now, since it offends some