Assertive Submissive?

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11-01-2008
Cinquieme

Assertive Submissive?

Hi! I'm a 22 year old straight/bi-curious female and just learned about BDSM recently. After a recent conversation, I became curious and started reading about it. From what I've learned so far, aspects of my sexual life are finally starting to make sense. I now understand why certain things turn me on and off. But now, I am a little confused about how my sexual submissiveness fits with my un-submissive personality and relationship dynamics.

I am currently single, but when I have a boyfriend, he is usually the one that is eager to please me (no the other way around). I like to keep things about equal, but I usually end up being the one with more power in the relationship, so to speak. Personally, I could never see myself as being subordinate to a man (or woman). It just doesn't feel right. The idea of slavery is also a big turn off for me.

On the other hand, I like to be submissive during sex. I like him to be in control. I never liked being on top during sex, and don't even get pleasure out of it, or by being in control. With oral sex, I'm OK with receiving, but prefer giving. I remember one time during sex I was on my stomach and my boyfriend was on top of me, when he held my arms behind my back. It was the hugest turn on and looking back, I realize I like being restrained. I fantasize about my arms behind held or being tied up. Another time during sex, I was on my back and he was on top, when he put his hand over my throat (which I now know to be erotic asphyxiation). I was so turned on by it, and became light-headed from the lack of oxygen which made me feel like I was in another world.

I am very opposed to being submissive/subordinate in other aspects of the relationship, but it is such a turn on in bed. What does this mean? I don't understand it.
11-01-2008
Pearlgem

Plenty of folk keep their kinks to the bedroom only. If this is the case with you, there's nothing wrong with that at all, it's 'normal'.

If you want to explore submission outside the bedroom - maybe you suspect that what you oppose now is secretly appealing - this is a very good place to do it.
11-01-2008
tydnchaynz{NSXX}

i know i cannot speak for all submissives on this subject, but i'll be glad to relate my own personal opinion on this. In talking with other submissives, i've often found that we (along with myself) are often very strong minded, goal oriented people during our day to day life. Myself, i've always been into management in my career and most of my vanilla relationships have been with me as the "stronger" of the two partners. My family describes me as "assertive, controling (imagine that........lol), a go-getter that doesn't let anything stand in her way, fiercely independant, etc." To me, this is what makes my submission so special.

I am all of the things my family states. So when i find that special someone that i trust above all others and turn the control that i hold onto so tightly over to Him, can you imagine how very special that is??? And to be honest, after assuming all that responsibility day in and day out........how lovely would it be to let someone else shoulder some of that? To me, being a strong, independant woman does not negate your submissiveness.........it simply makes it that much more special and something to be truly treasured by the One that is lucky enough to earn it *smiles*
11-01-2008
jeanne

Cinq,

You are on an exploration of yourself. Don't worry if you are confused - it can take time to find your 'level'. I will ask of you one thing - don't get too wound around the axle over definitions. And definitely don't start thinking that because you don't meet some other person's definition that you are 'not submissive enough'. You are you. Enjoy the learning of you, love yourself just as you are today, and keep an open mind to the possibilities.

And most of all - have fun! Our sexuality is a constant wonder and gift. Enjoy it.

:wave:
jeanne
11-01-2008
leah06

I agree with Jeanne about not feeling like you have to fit yourself into a particular definition, but for me, when someone just in passing on this site mentioned the difference between a bedroom or sexual submissive and a service submissive, it was really helpful to me.

Maybe you're not a service submissive, or maybe you're still exploring, but there's certainly nothing wrong with bedroom submission. And in my experience, sometimes the very men who like you to be in charge in the relationship really enjoy being in charge in the bedroom, once you've given them permission.
11-01-2008
jeanne

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachel06

I agree with Jeanne about not feeling like you have to fit yourself into a particular definition, but for me, when someone just in passing on this site mentioned the difference between a bedroom or sexual submissive and a service submissive, it was really helpful to me.

Maybe you're not a service submissive, or maybe you're still exploring, but there's certainly nothing wrong with bedroom submission. And in my experience, sometimes the very men who like you to be in charge in the relationship really enjoy being in charge in the bedroom, once you've given them permission.

I agree - definitions concerning 'type' of submission are helpful. I was referring to those horrid (yes, my opinion only!) threads about submissive vs. slave - and the implied and overt theme of slaves being 'better' than submissives.

I think I just injected my own issues into this thread...so I'll stop now! :eek:
11-01-2008
blythe spirit

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeanne

Don't worry if you are confused - it can take time to find your 'level'.

Oh, I definitely agree with this. Ummmm - let's see I've been in a state of confusion for years now. Seems that different Dominants bring out different aspects of my submissiveness, but I've yet to find a dominant that can get to my inner core.
11-01-2008
Cinquieme

I feel so much better, thank you very much for your replies!
11-01-2008
Ozme52

There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with seeing yourself as an equal with a different role.

There is no "true" submissive, no "typical" dominat, no "one" right way to play.

You'll find, if you explore enough, that there isn't even a "one" right way for you. You might find you explore different aspects of yourself depending on whom you are with.
11-01-2008
leo9

Quote:

Originally Posted by tydnchaynz

i know i cannot speak for all submissives on this subject, but i'll be glad to relate my own personal opinion on this. In talking with other submissives, i've often found that we (along with myself) are often very strong minded, goal oriented people during our day to day life. Myself, i've always been into management in my career and most of my vanilla relationships have been with me as the "stronger" of the two partners. My family describes me as "assertive, controling (imagine that........lol), a go-getter that doesn't let anything stand in her way, fiercely independant, etc." To me, this is what makes my submission so special.

I am all of the things my family states. So when i find that special someone that i trust above all others and turn the control that i hold onto so tightly over to Him, can you imagine how very special that is??? And to be honest, after assuming all that responsibility day in and day out........how lovely would it be to let someone else shoulder some of that? To me, being a strong, independant woman does not negate your submissiveness.........it simply makes it that much more special and something to be truly treasured by the One that is lucky enough to earn it *smiles*

I was going to write all of this from the point of view of a Dom who loves strong, assertive women (my late wife used to define herself as a "submissive bossy bitch"). But this says it all so eloquently that I can only add... What she said!
11-01-2008
good_girl

I have always considered myself a strong, independent woman, not one to need a man but one to want one in my life. I can survive quite well on my own. I am also the more dominant type at work, it doesn't matter if my co-workers are happy with me, what matters is the job gets done right. What has always mattered to me is that my partner is happy with me and I will always do my best to make sure that happens.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tydnchaynz

So when i find that special someone that i trust above all others and turn the control that i hold onto so tightly over to Him, can you imagine how very special that is??? And to be honest, after assuming all that responsibility day in and day out........how lovely would it be to let someone else shoulder some of that? To me, being a strong, independant woman does not negate your submissiveness.........it simply makes it that much more special and something to be truly treasured by the One that is lucky enough to earn it *smiles*
11-01-2008
Guest110308

Quote:

Originally Posted by tydnchaynz

i know i cannot speak for all submissives on this subject, but i'll be glad to relate my own personal opinion on this. In talking with other submissives, i've often found that we (along with myself) are often very strong minded, goal oriented people during our day to day life. Myself, i've always been into management in my career So when i find that special someone that i trust above all others and turn the control that i hold onto so tightly over to Him, can you imagine how very special that is??? And to be honest, after assuming all that responsibility day in and day out........how lovely would it be to let someone else shoulder some of that? To me, being a strong, independant woman does not negate your submissiveness.........it simply makes it that much more special and something to be truly treasured by the One that is lucky enough to earn it *smiles*

hi Everyone. Thank you for starting this thread. I believe that a strong, independent woman submitting herself is one of the most truly beautiful things. I think you have just begun your exploration of your submissive self. I would also like to state that are many types of submissives/Sirs/Ma'am's, and there is room of all of us here :).
Good luck on your journey of self discovery and submission. I hope to chat with you sometime in the chat room.
hugs
11-01-2008
fantasien

I have to say that i am in the same spot. i feel that in my life i have always been pushed and shoved and that some one else has been in control of my life and Ive noticed that, and taken into consideration that I was experiencing Domination.

i feel that with my perspective on things that i am a sub whom Likes to Dominate people by standing assertive for myself and not letting them into my life so that they can control me. But I also notice that i have a lot of Dominant desires that i have to find an outlet for sexually.
11-01-2008
thir

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cinquieme

I like him to be in control.

I am very opposed to being submissive/subordinate in other aspects of the relationship, but it is such a turn on in bed. What does this mean? I don't understand it.

All it means is that you are into BDSM, not Ds on a 24 hour basis. A lot of people are like that. The myth that it is all about being a slave in all of your life is for most people just that - a myth.

Liking being restrained or in bondage does not necessarily mean that one is submissive at all, though you can be.

t
11-02-2008
Cinquieme

You've all been wonderful - thank you very much for the support.