This one is missing something please help

[goodgirl_85]

You watch me from a distance waiting for the perfect opportunity. As you sit in your car, down a few houses away from mine you think of the past few days and everything you have learned about me.

You still can’t wrap your head around it all. How much time I spend alone, yet how happy I seem on the outside. You know better though. You know of my demons, my secrets, my past. You’ve heard me laugh and flirt and cry and yell these past few days. You’ve seen me sit alone on a park bench for hours reading my book and go for night time walks when I can’t sleep. You have followed me while I was going shopping and out to eat with various people. You can’t help but seem to be amazed at the façade I show the world and how well some people seem to buy it.

You started watching me after I seemed to close up on you. At first it didn’t bother you and then it did. Then it was all you could think about. Every time the phone rang you found yourself wanting it to be me. You went to the store I work at, never going in my line, but usually the one in front of me observing me, planning and waiting.

We haven’t even met yet, technically and you find yourself infatuated with me. Our conversations, both online and on the phone were intriguing at first. You seemed to pull all of my secrets out of me, without me even realizing what was happening. Then when I did, I got scared and clammed up.

You knew what needed to be done, and that reason is why you are watching me, waiting for the perfect opportunity.

You finally see me come out of the house. It’s about ten p.m. and I head off thru the path, that you now know leads to a school playground. It’s the path I always take when leaving my house, you have discovered, but one I rarely take going home. You get out of your car and follow me.

I go thru the school, and down the street, taking a right, and then a left, onto Eddy Street. This confuses you because I have never taken this route in the few days you have been watching me. I go a little ways down, my IPOD turned up loud so I couldn’t any sound you made. I take a left, and it surprises you when you follow and see that it is a dead end.

You think for an instant that I am going to a friend’s house and almost decide to go back and get your car, but then you see. At the end of the street are trees… trees and darkness. This again confuses you because you know I am scared of the dark. You assume I have a flashlight but you are wrong.

Puzzled, you forget about the plan and worry a bit. You wonder what I am doing. I get to the end of the street and go into the trees, you follow behind, a short distance. You find yourself walking over a short makeshift bridge. When you cross, you notice I have stopped. It appears that I am standing still, you see the light from my phone and figure I am texting someone.

You come up behind me, your hand clasps over my mouth and whisper into my ear.
“Everything will be ok” You tell me.

I surprise you by going stiff and still, instead of fighting. You wonder if I recognize your voice. You push me in front of you, against a nearby tree. You tell me not to scream as you remove your hand from my mouth. I don’t scream, yet you notice that a shaking and sobbing a little.

You run your hands through my hair, curling one fist around it and pulling a little. Your other hand runs down my body, as do your eyes, taking in what I am wearing.

It is summer, and hot, so its only natural that I am wearing a short jean skirt, with a thin, revealing, black tank top. You hand runs over my ass, and under my skirt. You let a little chuckle as you realize that I am not wearing panties. You push yourself against me, letting me feel your hardness. You let go of my hair, and move your hand down to my breasts.

You realize that I haven’t relaxed yet, and you began to explore a little more with your hands. The hand on my breast finds my nipple and pinches, twists, and pulls. At the same time, your hand under my skirt starts wiggling its fingers and you separate my lips, playing with soft flesh. You hear me let out a hiss, and smile. You find me wet, and as you push a finger into me you ask me how I like it.

When I don’t respond, you probe a little deeper and ask again. This time, when I don’t answer you remove your hands from me, turn me around and push me to my knees. You instruct me to take your cock out and I do, silently.

As soon as I have it out, you force it into my mouth and face-fuck me. Soon though, I am sucking on your cock freely. You even feel me moan a little. You reach out for a tree to help balance yourself, placing one hand one the trunk the other in my hand. After a while, you pull me off of you, and up again. You ask me if I know who are.

I simply nod, and go to kiss you. You kiss me back, a new wave of raw passion in each of us. You have me up against the tree again, this time facing you, as you pull my skirt up and slide yourself into me.

After a few minutes of fucking me, you tell me you are going to cum inside me and ask how much I want it. I am past words at this point and simply whimper. One of your hands reaches up and pinches my nipple hard, as your other hand wraps itself in my hair, pulls my head to the side, exposing my neck as you pull your head down and bite me, hard.

This brings me over the edge and my body quakes with pleasure as my inner muscles tighten around you. You bite my neck again as you moan and release into me.

We stay like that for a minute, breathing heavily. When you have recovered enough to move, you push me back down to the ground, and without a word between us I clean your cock of the mixture of fluids.

You zip up and ask if I am ok. When I nod, and whisper a yes, you turn to walk away.

After a few steps, you turn around, and said “Now you may consider yourself mine.”

[Rhabbi]

All I can say is that the voice does not work. I keep wondering why the narrator know what the other person is thinking.

People keep telling me that they are surprised that my stories work when I write in first person. I think they work because I restrict myself to what that person knows. Telling this story in first person from the other point of view would work because that is essentially what you are trying to do, but you are writng it like the girl knows what he is thinking. Makes it awkward.

[Mad Lews]

All I can say is that the voice does not work. I keep wondering why the narrator know what the other person is thinking.

People keep telling me that they are surprised that my stories work when I write in first person. I think they work because I restrict myself to what that person knows. Telling this story in first person from the other point of view would work because that is essentially what you are trying to do, but you are writng it like the girl knows what he is thinking. Makes it awkward.

Yep that's me student Makes an old Mad man kinda proud. Of course it was Dragon's Muse, Aussiegirl and Ruby that beat point of view into him, still he's mine now so I'll take full credit.
either first person restricted point of view (I saw you watch....) or third person omnipotent point of view, with lots of he's and shes or even proper names. The narrator is essentially godlike and can see what everyone says ,does, and thinks.
"He watched her from a distance, waiting"
Both would work. The second person point of view (where the narrator is speaking directly to a character is really tough to pull off convincingly. best used for short stories that are essentially love letters or other private communications between the narrator and a single character turned into an open story or simply as a specific part of a larger story.
The concept and content of the story are great and I'm sure with just a little tweaking it'll work fine.
Yours
Mad Lews

[goodgirl_85]

Its supposed to personal, like me recounting the situation to him after. Any suggestions on how I can pull this off.

[goodgirl_85]

I always do present tense better than past tense for some reason, but maybe changing that will make it better? Not really sure... besides from all my enligsh classes in school I haven't really had any training on my writing. Its all pretty natural. Sometimes I just need a little help is all. Smiles. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Any further feedback would be appriecated

[Dragon's muse]

Some of the basics are there. In addition to the POV problems noted by the guys, i must say that there are a number of places where you tell us what the characters are saying, rather than letting the characters say it in dialogue.

If writing in first person is you preferred style, that is fine. It does, however, require the strictest of discipline with yourself. Every line must be measured against the question, "Does my narrator have a legitimate way of knowing this?"

When you put something in that the narrator really should not know, it takes the reader out of the story and into "huh?" mode. One or two such instances and most readers will move on to the next offering.

You have a good place to start. If i may reccomend two books.

Strunk and White's Elements of Style and Stephen King's On Writing.

You could even join writer's block if you like.