All I can say is that the voice does not work. I keep wondering why the narrator know what the other person is thinking.

People keep telling me that they are surprised that my stories work when I write in first person. I think they work because I restrict myself to what that person knows. Telling this story in first person from the other point of view would work because that is essentially what you are trying to do, but you are writng it like the girl knows what he is thinking. Makes it awkward.