why is the bdsm scene so narrow??

[lucyboy]

Thankyou for you're replies all of you. Wow this is refreshing. Whenever I have raised these subjects on other forums I usually receive a blizzard of anger from Dominant women who assume that I don't know what I'm talking about, and have no idea of what it is to be truly sub.

I live in London UK which I would have thought being such a big modern city would be very open but unfortunately not. It's probably a cultural thing. I'm currently living in Thailand which although lacks a bdsm scene is just so relaxed. If I smile at a woman out here she smiles back whereas in London as a single male you are viewed with suspicion at all times by women on the scene or in the wider vanilla community. Women at home have an air of aloof unapproachability about them, there is about them that vibe that says I'm fabulous and confident so you better be or "don't even bother"

As you can imagine for someone with such a potentially problematic sexuality this makes any chance of having confidence when aproaching women very difficult.

I spose that it is not only London any big western city would be the same. I'm sure the culture in New York or Paris would be the same.

The attitude of most of the women on the bdsm scene I have met has been one of combative selection, whereby you will be made to feel unwelcome until you can prove that you're are either outstandingly masterful or totally submissive from the outset.

I don't know if the no sex rule is only a London thing but it seems you have all encountered this line of thinking. I just wonder why this rule only applies to us male submissives?

A male dom is entitled to have sexual urges, female subs are entitled to desire a sexual core to their submission whether they be lesbian or straight. Female Dommes are expected to have a sexuality although most of the female Dommes I have met reserve sex for vanilla guys or even a dominant male partner.

It only seems to be male subs that have this yolk around our necks. It makes you feel a bit like an untouchable.

Recently I have started dressing up as a girl and I'm not nearly as marginalized. Do you think it might have something to do with guys sexual essence being tied to an active sexuality?

I mean a Dominant or submissive woman can look gorgeous but us blokes don't seem to have that aesthetic quality and without an active sexuality we in some way don't have much to offer. Neither super sexy looks and fabulous clothes or a drive to fuck like a train. Without either asset women lose interest. I'm just speculating. I wonder what you guys think?

I have been told that it is totally biological that female sexuality is so tightly bound to child rearing that subconsciously women only have sexual partnerships with men who can bring some kind of masculinity and strength to the relationship.

It is funny this is not only something unique to the bdsm scene most bisexual women who have profiles on the net start by saying ''NO MEN"

Anyway I'm feeling much more positive since I started dressing as a girl, it seems to be opening doors.....

[diamondcontrol]

Women at home have an air of aloof unapproachability about them, there is about them that vibe that says I'm fabulous and confident so you better be or "don't even bother". . . . The attitude of most of the women on the bdsm scene I have met has been one of combative selection, whereby you will be made to feel unwelcome until you can prove that you're are either outstandingly masterful or totally submissive from the outset. . . . Neither super sexy looks and fabulous clothes or a drive to fuck like a train. Without either asset women lose interest. I'm just speculating. I wonder what you guys think?

I must say I am less sympathetic than the subs who have responded. You complain about Dommes who put out a vibe that says I'm fabulous and confident." Well, it is a natural vibe for a Domme to have. And yes, I will only accept someone equally "fabulous", but you seem to focus on superficial qualities in people. A male sub does not need to have "fabulous" looks or super sexy looks or be a perfect submissive doormat, but he must be a fabulous person - I deserve and will accept nothing less. At the same time that you attribute superficial motives to Dommes who are not interested in you, you dismiss Dommes who are not superficially up to your standards -as too old or too fat. As a Domme who is primarily interested in the mental and sexual aspects of power exchange, I can honestly say perhaps some introspection about less superficial qualities might aid you in your quest.

Diamondcontrol

[MajesticFae]

At the same time that you attribute superficial motives to Dommes who are not interested in you, you dismiss Dommes who are not superficially up to your standards -as too old or too fat. As a Domme who is primarily interested in the mental and sexual aspects of power exchange, I can honestly say perhaps some introspection about less superficial qualities might aid you in your quest.

Diamondcontrol

I think he's looking for a certain type of woman, Diamond, and everyone is allowed to have standards. He wants the one who is athletic, trim and sexy. If he chooses to use these "superficial" qualities to narrow his search, then he will get less results than if he opened up his search to include dominant women of all ages, shapes and sizes. I'm pretty sure he knows this.

I think with the porn industry today we rarely see normal sized females, all we see are these big tittied blondes with super flat stomachs, too much make up and barbie like proportions because that's what the public wants to see. Yes there are other types out there, but this is the type I see most often. I consider myself "thick." I'm in between bbw and stick thin, I like my size because I'm super cuddly and I know that I have a "sexy element" about me and I can command it when need be. Not every female you're going to come across is a size 4 or have a tiny tiny waist. It's just not going to happen. But if it is your dream to find this perfect woman who is athletic, trim, sexy, and all that jazz, then please, look for her. It might take you longer to find her because you're narrowing your search down to one type of person.
The Domme with the right mindset for you may not fit into your physical preferences in the woman, and the woman who fits the body image may be completely off in the mindset that you're looking for. Give and take a little. Get to know peoples minds before their bodies.

Being that I'm not a Domme, I can't speak for them, but there is nothing sexier than a man, no matter his shape, size, physical appearance who can think for himself and is willing to please you. I swoon over the intellectual types. I have my standards when seeking out a Dom for myself, if you can't captivate me with your words, you're an automatic out.

I truly hope you find what you're looking for, lucyboy. I somewhat agree with Diamond in that you're living in a sort of fantasy in looking for the woman who has all of these qualities rolled into one (mindset, physical appearance, personality), but if you believe she's out there, then I really hope you two find one another and click.

[gloombunny]

I just wonder why this rule only applies to us male submissives?

Because there are a lot of bad apples in that barrel. Guys who want to be spanked or humiliated a bit but want to be in control of both the sex and the relationship. Guys who think dominant women are sexy but don't respect them as people. That sort of thing. Unfortunately the deck is stacked against you from the start because of them, and it's hard to prove you're not one of them except by being deeply submissive in all aspects and not trying to get any sex.

Neither super sexy looks and fabulous clothes or a drive to fuck like a train. Without either asset women lose interest. I'm just speculating. I wonder what you guys think?

I think you don't know very many women. Or maybe you do, but in that case I'm glad I don't know the women you know.

I have been told that it is totally biological that female sexuality is so tightly bound to child rearing that subconsciously women only have sexual partnerships with men who can bring some kind of masculinity and strength to the relationship.

You've been told a lot of crap.

It is funny this is not only something unique to the bdsm scene most bisexual women who have profiles on the net start by saying ''NO MEN"

Same bad-apple problem. So many men read "bisexual" as "will have threesomes and put on shows for me" that a lot of women just don't want to bother trying to find one who doesn't.