Quote Originally Posted by Rhabbi View Post
All I can say is that the voice does not work. I keep wondering why the narrator know what the other person is thinking.

People keep telling me that they are surprised that my stories work when I write in first person. I think they work because I restrict myself to what that person knows. Telling this story in first person from the other point of view would work because that is essentially what you are trying to do, but you are writng it like the girl knows what he is thinking. Makes it awkward.
Yep that's me student Makes an old Mad man kinda proud. Of course it was Dragon's Muse, Aussiegirl and Ruby that beat point of view into him, still he's mine now so I'll take full credit.
either first person restricted point of view (I saw you watch....) or third person omnipotent point of view, with lots of he's and shes or even proper names. The narrator is essentially godlike and can see what everyone says ,does, and thinks.
"He watched her from a distance, waiting"
Both would work. The second person point of view (where the narrator is speaking directly to a character is really tough to pull off convincingly. best used for short stories that are essentially love letters or other private communications between the narrator and a single character turned into an open story or simply as a specific part of a larger story.
The concept and content of the story are great and I'm sure with just a little tweaking it'll work fine.
Yours
Mad Lews