Thanks to everyone who posted, and for the question in the first place!

As someone who is new as of yesterday to this forum, I've found these postings really helpful, if for no other reason than to see that folks are more complex than these "boxes" suggest

I'm also delighted to see how many women are like me -- strong, "dom" types in "daily" life and "subs" in the bedroom.

Part of, for me, what's been hard about finding out "who I am" has been that it seems like we can't do that on our own -- it's by pushing our limits (having them pushed) that we can even discover them. But who are we (am I) working with?

I have a somewhat flexible marriage -- swinging with permission and so long as everyone is involved -- but my fella isn't so interested in the bsdm scene (doesn't float his boat) and even online "affairs" without us both involved aren't part of the deal. So what do I do? For now, I'm a wall flower . . . .