New Sub Needs Advice

[mic8565]

I am a new Sub. My Master and I have been o/l with occasional meeting involving a BJ and cunnilingus for the past six months. We have talked extensively about the levels of submission that I will experience and his ability to take me there.

Last night, my Master took me to another level which involved a butt plug, anal, and nipple clamps. Master came online tonight and there was not a discussion about the level he helped me attain. We both agreed that it was great to be with each other. It was a pretty dry conversation.

Am I expecting too much when I expect us to talk about the experiences that occurred last night?

[SubmissiveDoll]

No you aren't expecting too much. If it's something that you feel you need to talk about, bring it up to him. Let him know you would like to have some conversation about it, and be prepared with a few things to say on the topic. How it felt, what you liked and disliked, and whether you would like to do it again, and what you might add, as a few topics. Because if you say, "I'd like to talk about the scene we had" he'll probably reply with something like "What do you want to talk about?" In my experience when dealing with men in general *grins* just have a few things you'd like to talk about to help get the conversation rolling. Once it's going, it's often easy to just flow with it and express feelings.

In any relationship communication is very important. However, with D/s couples I think the communication can be even more important. Especially when dealing with feelings about a scene. There are so many emotions that are involved, you never know what might creep up.

So, don't be apprehensive about bringing up a topic. Just let him know you'd like to chat. I share all my feelings with my Master, both good and bad. Anything from my joys to my being REALLY pissed off at him. The best part... he listens! Talk to your Dom, this is something that is obviously nagging at you. There is nothing to fear in sharing your feelings with him.

[Oak]

Hi and welcome to the world of BdSm. I think you'll like that new world.
In any relationship comunication is very important and it certainly is even more important in our world.
Being a quite experienced Master myself. I find communication very important. Especially with a new and inexperienced sub like yourself. As it's the only way to know about your limitations. You'll have to say what you liked and disliked and what you wants more or less of.
So even though we dominant males can be very ignorant (Just as female dom... Male subs and female subs) Let him understand that you need to talk about your new experience and what you felt about them.
Wish you the best of luck.

[fetishdj]

It is very important to talk about feelings after a BDSM experience, especially one that pushes limits in some way (which should be talked about before and after) otherwise you will end up with confused emotions and he will end up potentially misreading your reactions to things. It may, for example, be that he did not think you enjoyed the butt plug which is why he is avoiding the issue...

Men in general (and I include most Doms in this) are not good at 'sharing'. I know this because I am one. Women need to share, to talk, to hug and do all the aftercare things whether it is vanilla sex or BDSM but men do not feel they need to so much and therefore assume that the woman does not either (yes, we are a selfish bunch of bastards as a gender). Its not really his fault, its a general thing that most of us have to fight and is hard to resist - one of those 'wired in instincts' like racism and homophobia which, if we are being absolutely honest with ourselves, everyone has to a certain extent and has to deal with.

So, I am afraid that you will probably have to make the first move and ask him if he does not mind talking about it. Once he realises that you want to talk about things he'll probably be happy to do it and will initiate it himself. Unfortunately, it is more vital to do this talking in a BDSM relationship as there is a greater capacity for physical and mental harm as a result of what we do.

[DIXIE LASS]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mic8565:
It was a pretty dry conversation.

First of all, most (not all, but most) men have 5 expressions of communication: grunt, lol, yes, no, smiley face. They can't help it. They're made this way. Probably something evolutionary to do with being silent while hunting mammoths. And please note, 2 of these expressions didn't develop until the last few decades and they are only used online.

Second, you aren't exactly a font of verbosity yourself. I looked at your profile page and your other post. Your profile info is arid to the extreme. (probably 40% of the people on here are "submissive females" and my guess would be that approximately 65% of all members were "new" when they first came to the site.) Your one other post has generated 3 replies and all 3 indicated confusion due to lack of information on your part.

So, perhaps the first place to start is to ask yourself if you are doing your part in encouraging conversation and a sharing of ideas. There's a plethora of information on both writing and conversation skills at your fingertips: on the web. After a few days of looking at other profiles, go back and edit yours and actually tell us something interesting/unique/personal about yourself. Ask yourself if this man asked you questions and if your answers were only "yes or no". In other words, make sure you are doing your part to prevent "dry conversations". And please take this criticism in the spirit in which it was intended: to help you identify and rectify problems.

Finally, sometimes you just get one who cannot or will not express himself. If that happens and you are left unsatisfied, then it's time to find a new one.

Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy your time here.

DIXIE

[blythe spirit]

*nods in agreement with Dixie*

Do have a gander at Aesop's Tips for Beginners. It's very informative and you might discover some truths there for yourself.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4529

[Flaming_Redhead]

I'm confused about the "levels of submission" statement. As far as I can tell, y'all are just having sex....and pretty normal sex at that. As others mentioned, there aren't a lot of details. Maybe instead of trying to draw a conversation out of you, he's waiting for you to take the initiative. I'm only guessing here.

[Ozme52]

Quote:


First of all, most (not all, but most) men have 5 expressions of communication: grunt, lol, yes, no, smiley face.

Huh?

[Ozme52]

Lmao

[Ozme52]

It takes two to talk. Just because he didn't initiate the conversation you wanted doesn't mean he wasn't willing to talk about it. As Red points out, it may not have meant a lot to him from the "levels of submission" perspective you had... and maybe he just didn't realize.

So it's on YOU to open discusssions you need or want to have.

[mic8565]

Thank you all for your input. We discussed the scene tonight and I am so elated and relieved. I sent Him an email and wanted to talk with Him about last night and that was the topic of discussion for tonight. Hugs to all!

[SubmissiveDoll]

Huh?

Smart ass... lol

[Ozme52]

You betcha doll.

[damyanti]

Isnt being a smart ass unbecoming in a Dom... whereas when subs do it, its cute and amusing.

[blythe spirit]

Thanks for the chuckle, damyanti

[DIXIE LASS]

Huh?

Smart ass... lol

I stand corrected. Will add "huh" to the male repertoire list, although technically it could be part of "grunt".

DIXIE

Sorry for this late response. 'Puter has been misbehaving. LMFAO.

[Ozme52]

Isnt being a smart ass unbecoming in a Dom... whereas when subs do it, its cute and amusing.

I stand corrected. Will add "huh" to the male repertoire list, although technically it could be part of "grunt".

[SubmissiveDoll]

Isnt being a smart ass unbecoming in a Dom... whereas when subs do it, its cute and amusing.

Aren't we just cute and amusing by nature? I mean seriously, we're all innocent of all possible misbehavior! I know I would never do something wrong! Now please excuse me while I go die from laughter... or a possible spanking for the lies.

[blythe spirit]

I stand corrected. Will add "huh" to the male repertoire list, although technically it could be part of "grunt".

DIXIE

Oh my, Dixie, are you saying that a Dom's "huh" sounds like the deep sound a hog makes? tsk tsk tsk. See, when you say stuff like that Oz scratches his head and gets flakes all over the forum. hehehe.