Question for the "Switches" on the board

[erotic_nibbles]

If for whatever reason you had to choose to be either Dom/me or sub...and could only be what you chose from then on...which would you choose and why?

[39-29-36]

Let me say that this is a tough question. It sounds ripe for the gates of pergatory. It willtake some thinking. Let me get back to you on your query . . .

[Jai]

6 months ago I would have said sub without even having to think about it. It was just more the way I was and had always felt. Any woman I had been with I wanted to make feel as though they were the most special thing in the world, no matter how or what I would have to do to prove that.

Recently though something has changed and I would be more inclined to go Dom. I don't really know what caused or why the change has occured, i just feel more dom now and nearly all of my fantasies are dom related rather than sub related now. It could be that until recently my real dom experiences were very thin on the ground and so I just wasn't aware of what it was like to be a dom. I really get off on the idea of being completley in control of another and watching their anticipation and wondering of what is coming next.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't miss the sub side of stuff though, it would be a massive part of me to give up and would need a lot of careful thought. Things just wouldn't be the same for me if either lifestyle went.

[Kelli]

I'm more of a dom around females, and sub around males, so I guess if I had to pick one I'd rather be a sub. I find more satisfaction when someone else is in control of my pleasure.

[reverie35]

I am a switch. I had no choice in the matter and could not choose to be a Dom or a Sub. Just as those who are straight or gay did not coose that path, I have no say in the selection and no choice about the path.

I am switch.

For me the turn on is Control... I like to have it or I like to be controlled.

[erotic_nibbles]

Let me say that this is a tough question. It sounds ripe for the gates of pergatory. It willtake some thinking. Let me get back to you on your query . . .

Looking forward to your reply....love your avatars by the way

6 months ago I would have said sub without even having to think about it...Recently though something has changed and I would be more inclined to go Dom. I don't really know what caused or why the change has occured, i just feel more dom now and nearly all of my fantasies are dom related rather than sub related now. It could be that until recently my real dom experiences were very thin on the ground and so I just wasn't aware of what it was like to be a dom. I really get off on the idea of being completley in control of another and watching their anticipation and wondering of what is coming next.

Now that is really interesting.....I wish I could peek into your mind and see if maybe I could figure out what changed recently....I'm curious....are you going to maybe experiment with being a Dom then?

I'm more of a dom around females, and sub around males, so I guess if I had to pick one I'd rather be a sub. I find more satisfaction when someone else is in control of my pleasure.

Now see I relate to that.....I've noticed a bit of a Domme streak coming out in me since joining this Forum...hmmm...don't know why though...lol......but I would rather be sub too because it is just so delicious when a strong man dominates me sexually

[midnightsky]

its like my sexuality- i just am, and its pretty much a 50-50 split.

though i have to admit- i really enjoy being a domme, just like i do being a lesbian (bonus points for both) because for me they are more taboo. mond you, thats noy why im bi and a switch, but it certainly makes life more fun

[Lord Douche]

Just need to poke my head in...

Thread moved to My BDSM Life

LD

[somewriter]

If I was allowed, I'd say it would depend upon my partner. Certain partners I think I would have gone with sub as I tend to find it slightly more fun, but others I would have said dom. If I had to hedge my bets for a permanent role though, I would choose dom, because I believe (perhaps mistakenly) it is easier to find a girl willing to submit to me that it is to find a girl who would agree to domme me, and know what to do.

[Spitman]

This is like asking which kind of execution you would rather have, because either answer would involve something that would feel like an amputation.

Being submissive does not necessarily involve a total surrender of control. Far from it. Submissives often like to be in control, and liking submission, they can also enjoy and understand the submission of a partner, who also provides the dominant element when the switch is the submissive. Being in control, even while in the submissive role, is a part of the personality that you can't give up, if you are that way inclined, any more than you would want to give up experiencing the physical sensations of the submissive role.

So is the person I am describing a switch? Or just a masochistic dominant? We might expect the opposite of a masochistic dominant to be a sadistic submissive, but that sounds like an improbable combination. As combining two negatives makes a positive, perhaps the opposite of a switch is really either a sadistic dominant or a masochistic submissive.

So what erotic_nibbles seems to me to be asking is whether a masochistic dominant would rather stop being masochistic, or stop being dominant, but interpreting the question that way doesn't make it any easier to answer.

The nature of a masochistic inclination is very different from the nature of a dominant personality. Masochism involves your own physical sensations, while dominance is how you interact psychologically with other people.

Self-bondage is indicative of masochism. A dominant will always want to remain in control, while a submissive will be tempted to surrender control. My advice would be, if you are naturally submissive, don't do self-bondage!

[vistana]

This is like asking which kind of execution you would rather have, because either answer would involve something that would feel like an amputation.

Being submissive does not necessarily involve a total surrender of control. Far from it. Submissives often like to be in control, and liking submission, they can also enjoy and understand the submission of a partner, who also provides the dominant element when the switch is the submissive. Being in control, even while in the submissive role, is a part of the personality that you can't give up, if you are that way inclined, any more than you would want to give up experiencing the physical sensations of the submissive role.

So is the person I am describing a switch? Or just a masochistic dominant? We might expect the opposite of a masochistic dominant to be a sadistic submissive, but that sounds like an improbable combination. As combining two negatives makes a positive, perhaps the opposite of a switch is really either a sadistic dominant or a masochistic submissive.

So what erotic_nibbles seems to me to be asking is whether a masochistic dominant would rather stop being masochistic, or stop being dominant, but interpreting the question that way doesn't make it any easier to answer.

The nature of a masochistic inclination is very different from the nature of a dominant personality. Masochism involves your own physical sensations, while dominance is how you interact psychologically with other people.

Self-bondage is indicative of masochism. A dominant will always want to remain in control, while a submissive will be tempted to surrender control. My advice would be, if you are naturally submissive, don't do self-bondage!

sorry, but i just read that 3 times, and i still have almost no idea what you're saying...
"Being in control, even while in the submissive role, is" called topping from the bottom, and from what i hear it annoys doms to no end.

I'm just having trouble sorting out your point, and it seems like it could be intersting.

[redEva]

Much like Kelli and somewriter I have to say that what role I take depends much, if not entirely on the partner.

I am always Dominant around other women, I am aggressive in my approach and body language around men, enough that most of them either submit or feel challenged, attacked – which does not translate into Dominant behavior but more into closing off/being on guard. I rarely encounter man that has the Dominant “aura” around him, someone whom I do not intimidate and in return, towards whom I assume submissive position.

I am aware that not everyone will agree with me, in the context of the social interaction I am referring to, but I establish my relationships from the first moment. I am one of those people that depend on “gut” feeling when assessing new acquaintances, and have rarely been wrong.

If I had to choose one end though, I would choose Dominant in me, simply because I am much harder to get disappointed if I am in charge.
__________________________________________________ ______________

On the other point made here (spitman / vistana) it is interesting one.
Vistana, toping-from-bottom is annoying – I agree with you, totally. But, just to throw in my two cents – when talking about defining switches – no one (I ever heard of) would define him/herself as switching between being slave/Master. And as long as one does not give up all the control, one is in control. No matter how submissive the bottom is, as long as that person has safe word/phrase or right to voice his/her opinion, bottom has control – the ultimate control over his/her destiny.

From what I read into spitmans response I believe that is where he was going. Anyone of us, who ever switched, can attest to spitmans very eloquent division between two experiences. It is not to say that subbing is totally physical experience, because it is not – it is very much of a psychological experience; just the fact that we have already discussed sub-space in other threads confirms it, but the Toping is more than anything psychologically satisfying.

I would very much agree with spitman that switches just might be Dominant masochists – and playing both ends is the only thing that can satisfy all the desires and needs.

[Spitman]

On the other point made here (spitman / vistana) it is interesting one.
Vistana, toping-from-bottom is annoying – I agree with you, totally. But, just to throw in my two cents – when talking about defining switches – no one (I ever heard of) would define him/herself as switching between being slave/Master. And as long as one does not give up all the control, one is in control. No matter how submissive the bottom is, as long as that person has safe word/phrase or right to voice his/her opinion, bottom has control – the ultimate control over his/her destiny.

From what I read into spitmans response I believe that is where he was going. Anyone of us, who ever switched, can attest to spitmans very eloquent division between two experiences. It is not to say that subbing is totally physical experience, because it is not – it is very much of a psychological experience; just the fact that we have already discussed sub-space in other threads confirms it, but the Toping is more than anything psychologically satisfying.

I would very much agree with spitman that switches just might be Dominant masochists – and playing both ends is the only thing that can satisfy all the desires and needs.

Thanks very much redEva - I think you got it exactly.

[erotic_nibbles]

I appreciate so much people still posting to this with their opinions/feelings....I am learning a lot about BDSM and myself with this thread, and the other one of similar nature I posted at the same time

Thank you all very much for contributing your thoughts

~~nibbles~~

[Walace]

It is a tough choice... But my heart desires to teach one all the things I need, and then let her use what she learned. It's just like starting as a Dom and going to sub with the passing of time.
Anyway, the fact that I do love to teach people all I know make me mostly Dominant, and that should be my definitive choice. Teaching and giving coodinates is mostly being a Dom, don't you think?
But by the way, "gently bowing", I've tried many times to be only sub, but it seems no one around me know how to do things right... Giving orders would be not a choice, but a need!

[slavelucy]

but it seems no one around me know how to do things right... Giving orders would be not a choice, but a need!

Hee hee! That line made me smile, thanks Walace.

Joking aside though, i think it's quite an inciteful point, one things that most dominants share is that they like things done a certain way, at a certain time, however different and varied those wishes may be. Having said that, to be honest, so do i, and i often sigh softly or furrow my brow over an order, thinking, privately 'that would make sooooo much more sense done tomorrow' (or whatever)...but that's part of the challenge for my submissive side, to let it go and get on with it.

As for your point about teaching things....i tend to believe that both dom and sub constantly teach each other things, about many things, but especially about the practice of BDSM. i think the point lies in the feeling this induces...whilst i am always happy when my dom says he's learnt something from me...happy is about as far as it goes, probably in that i've pleased him or impressed him in some way... whereas he is VERY happy and takes pride in showing me and teaching me new things (be them about BDSM or not).

i'll shush now, thanks for your post, i liked it. Welcome to the forums.

sl

[Donatien]

[QUOTE=Spitman]This is like asking which kind of execution you would rather have, because either answer would involve something that would feel like an amputation.

Being submissive does not necessarily involve a total surrender of control. Far from it. Submissives often like to be in control, and liking submission, they can also enjoy and understand the submission of a partner, who also provides the dominant element when the switch is the submissive. Being in control, even while in the submissive role, is a part of the personality that you can't give up, if you are that way inclined, any more than you would want to give up experiencing the physical sensations of the submissive role.

Spitman, I admire your delving into this issue.Surely this another example of human beings love of 'either/or' reasoning, so often setting up false dichotomies. Surely each one of us is a little like a commitee, with diverse elements, sometimes working in harmony as a team, and sometimes exhibiting contradictory behaviours in different areas of our functioning, or in the same areas at different times,( or even simultaneously!).Life is not a digital experience (+/- or 1/0) but analogue with infinite gradations. Different components contribute to the bdsm experience e.g algolania, control, and humiliation to name but 3. Two algolanics could switch, since they may both get turned on both by giving and receiving pain,( I discovered the sexual charge of pain, and also the changing experience that the endorphin release of arousal produces, when as a sadist I was testing my equipment ( yes , I know; that too!);many people who are used to being in control, like to take a breather, so two dominant algolanics could swap from time to time. It all depends on how much bdsm is a 'want to' sexual game , an optional add on, or to what degree it answers deep needs within ones personality that ramify far beyond just the sexual arena. I suspect that this is more true of the extreme ends of the spectrum, especially extreme issues of control +++/---, or the need to humiliate or be humiliated; this last element perhaps most likely to be an 'either or' issue for most of us, that is if it is an issue at all.

[erotic_nibbles]

This is like asking which kind of execution you would rather have, because either answer would involve something that would feel like an amputation......

Now that's an interesting thought.....not being a switch myself (at this point anyway) I hadn't thought of it in those terms.....I guess that's because so far the switches that I have known have told me they have a "leaning" towards one side of the other....I have had many switch friends tell me they would rather be just a sub....not many that have said they would rather just be Dom/me though....and I have had a few female Domme friends that have told me that they started as a sub and only became a Domme because they had partners that wanted to be dominated....I guess that is part of where this question of mine originated

Thank you Spitman for helping me to get a different view

~~nibbles~~