Sudden deep connection during D/s?

[Honesty]

Does anyone else become very emotionally invested in their dominant in a very short amount of time? It seems inevitable that I form an incredibly intense attachment to my dominant very quickly, it seems inappropriate for the amount of time and it just causes problems. Is there some way to avoid this? I don't understand why it happens to me. I'm also very possessive, it needs to be a monogamous relationship or I lose completely lose interest. I can't seem to keep it casual... Any advice on how to stay detached is welcome.

[brwneydgirl]

This is a multi-layered question/issue. Part of me wants to say that you shouldn't struggle to keep it casual...if it's your natural inclination to open yourself up and allow yourself to become attached to another person, that it would be wrong to try and change that. On the other hand, I know it's not always the smartest or safest way to be.

So what to do?

I think part of a D/s dynamic lends itself to the submissive being put in a vulnerable position, both emotionally AND physically. And that's what draws us. Staying detached wouldn't serve the submissive side of you very well, maybe (speaking for myself, there). So instead of keeping yourself behind a safety wall or trying to keep emotionally detached, why not take some extra time getting to know somebody before moving into a "relationship"? Like...really get to know somebody and form a bond with them.

If what you're looking for is some hot, kinky sex with no attachments, then that's easy enough to find. If you're looking for a deeper connection and lasting bond with someone, try getting to REALLY know them before anything physical. At the end of the day, just because you spend days or weeks (or months?) getting to know someone, it doesn't mean you're together for the long-haul. Things still happen and relationships end but, for me, I can't submit to someone I don't trust and trust takes time. During that time when you're not getting physical , you can be asking questions and talking about whether they want a monogamous relationship...or what exactly they're looking to get out of this.

[fauna]

I agree with everything brwneyedgirl said. I would like to recommend the book, Attached: the Science of Adult Attachment

Some people are just wired to need connection and closeness; it's nothing to be ashamed of, but it does mean that you have to take extra care where your sex drive might compel you into territory where you feel insecure. It's been a huge problem for me; I feel that if I'm honest about what I want, a man should be honest with me, too... but there really is no shortcut to trust.

One way to deal with it, which I find a little draining at times, is to "keep your options open" and make sure this person isn't your only source of pleasant attention until that trust and easy-flowing communication has developed on both sides. At the very least, it will give you perspective in differentiating between types of attention that you like and types that set off your warning bells.