Life is an interesting whirlwind Dom seeking advice.

[Jack_Ripper]

So I am new here hope this is a good place to talk to people about my struggle.

So I at heart am a Dom I lived the lift style for many years before I meet my wife. She has never really accepted this part of me and so I walked away from my Subm and a life style that I loved for her. I have been happy but have always felt like something was missing. When talked to about this she refuses to do anything beyond vanilla which both frustrates and discourages me. So now I find myself here hoping to get some guidance from Other Dom's or people who may have gone through this or know what can be done.

To be clear I love my wife very much, but she just does not satisfy this part of me and I don't believe she ever will. I used to be the teacher the person other Dom's came to, to train their subs or help with guidance. It is very strange for me to find myself in this position that I am somewhat lost. This has been weighing on me for some time now and i have finally decided that I should reach out to others about this.

I am simply looking for another perspective. Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks
Jack

p.s if this is not the correct forums to post I apologize but this seemed like the best play to ask.

[Numinosity]

As I have never been married, someone else might be more qualified to give their opinion on your situation, however here's my view on your situation for what it's worth.

Let’s forget the kinky stuff for a moment, if one person in a marriage feels something is missing in the relationship, what is that person to do? One thing is certain; a relationship can only become better if both partners in the relationship work together. You write you have already talked to your wife, however in what form did this happen? Did you stress how important this is to you? I am sure that if she realizes how important this is to you, she will give you a chance to show her how this can be enjoyable for both of you; she is your life partner after all and I am sure she wants to see you happy and fulfilled. Should she be able to tolerate the extra kink in the bedroom (but not outright like it), you might be able to compensate by doing something else that she really enjoys, that you don’t particularly like but can tolerate. Sometimes differences will have to be overcome by bargains. Should she be completely repulsed, you could perhaps ask her if she would allow you to find a partner you could enjoy this particular hobby with. You would probably need to stress that this is not shortcomings on her part, and that doing this would never diminish the feelings you have for your wife.

Should she not give you a single chance, even after you have explained your feelings, and I know this might sound tough, but then perhaps you need to consider if your relationship can survive, afterall you would then need to supress a part of yourself.
You have probably thought of all these things yourself, however this is just how I see it, hopefully some one more experienced than me will be able to give better advice than me. Marriages can be tough, and I hope you find a solution both you, and your wife can live with.

[Jack_Ripper]

Thank you for your thoughts Numinosity, I can see where you are coming from, and it makes sense that I should try harder to express this to her. Last time we had talked about something of this nature she exploded on me and did not talk to me for 3 days so I have stayed away from the subject due to that. Maybe its time to readdress it as that was many years ago. I'm just so tired of suppressing a part of me that I really shouldn't have to.

Again thank you for your thoughts I will think on what you have said.

[Numinosity]

Make sure she understands how important this is to you, and then probably give her some time. This is probably completely new territory for her, and she probably didn’t expect you to reveal a suppressed side if yourself after multiple years of marriage.

However I do believe it is very important you are with her while she is considering this, who knows what kind of thoughts she is having, and not being able to ask you questions on what exactly it is you want, will probably lead her imagination to go wild. If she is as vanilla as your first comment implied, she might not be keen on giving you a chance if what she thinks you asked of her was the more extreme forms of domination. In my ears at least, 3 days without talking after something this important is way too long. A single day at maximum to calm down, and then you need to talk it out and make sure you are actually understanding what you are talking about, and not just talking over each other. Communication is so important yet so hard to get right.

Good luck to both of you and my heart goes out to you.

[just_ine]

Perhaps the media has coloured her view on what BDSM is? We are bombarded with (mostly incorrect) stereotypes.

I agree with Numinosity.

Communicate clearly...but to do that, You would need to make sure that the words you use to explain things to her, carries much the same meaning to her.
Perhaps give her some sites where she can read... even ask questions. Make sure that the information you present to her is clear, concise and true...not stories or fantasies. There are excellent books out there...

IF she knows how important this is to you, perhaps she will be willing to at least learn and try to understand.

Not foolproof by a long shot... but this way at least there is a chance of open communication and that is a very good start...

[Denzark]

Lets get the obvious out of the way. You explain your feelings, discuss it, suggest you try it etc etc. This will result in 3 outcomes.

1. She goes for it to a level that satisfies you. - Problem solved.
2. She goes for a lower level (furry handcuffs) that is better than nothing but not enough.
3. Not a chance of even a nipple tweak - This is highly unlikely since almost all females are hardwired to accept some degree of kinkiness. Look at the popularity of 50 shades.

The situation is probably option 2. We can assume that you will give it time and seek to "groom" her by starting off with small things (shallow end) and slowly trying to move to bigger things (deep end). And we assume you've reached a point where she cannot be nudged further and this level is not enough for you.

You have following options.

1. Its the end of the relationship, you leave her to find somebody who satisfies your needs.

2. You give up your desire for the sake of keeping her. People can give up drugs, smoking, drinking, gambling, career, friends, family. life, liberty etc for love of a woman so I dont think giving up the crop is an impossibility. And you will probably have some degree of bdsm at the shallow end so its not totally lost.

3. You satisfy your desire in a way she can accepts eg porn movies, ol play or even rl play (unlikely she accept).
This may be a solution for a while but it may act as reminder of what you are missing like giving up booze and drinking non alcholic beer. It may be easier to give up totally than drink weak beer (pardon the analogy).

4. You go behind her back and get from mistress what she wont give you. This may seem ideal short term solution and is what most me do BUT it is destined to end in tears with you being caught out and losing her.

5. Join the monastery and give up her and sex both.

I suspect you are hoping that some wiz kid here comes up with the magic solution that enables you to keep your kink and the girl. I cant see other possible options to the above other than your powers of persuasion convincing her to get more kinky. Assuming you've done all you can and there is no doctor who can do a stepford wife job on her, that road is exhausted.

They say no pain no gain my friend, well for you the pain is losing the kink to gain the girl. Look on the bright side, it could be worse, you could have had to give up bowling on Friday night !

There is no greater love than to lay down one's flogger for one's wife.


Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his flogger for his vanilla wife.
John 15:13 The BDSM Bible

[Jack_Ripper]

Thanks for the Insight all. it is greatly appreciated.

I had a talk with her last night and it did not go well... needless to say this unfortunately is the decision I have to make. I am not willing to give up this part of my life but I am also not willing to give up her. Sometimes in life there are things you can change and others you cannot. I have accepted she will never be on pair with where I am and will just carry on. Maybe one day she will see my side of things.

I thank you all again for all the advice and help it is very encouraging to have a community of people to support me with this situation.

Denzark,
While I loled at a few of your things you make some very valid points. I have played online a little but nothing to serious just to curb my interests. My preference would be for her to willingly do this. However based off recent events I don't think that will ever be possible. While yes I have tried to push her softly into doing things I cannot nor do I want to force her to do something she is totally against. I don't intend to go behind her back i am very open with her about most things. This will just need to be something she accepts that I do online and we will leave it at that. I do not wish to end my relationship nor do I think I should just leave her over my own personal shortcomings. I think for now I will just live with how things are and look outside to fulfill my needs.

[Numinosity]

Sad to hear it didn’t work out. Will still hope that she will eventually give it a chance and find that doing something that makes you happy can’t be bad. Never lose hope!

[Flaming_Redhead]

Maybe try coming at this from a different angle. Instead of trying to tell her how important you and your needs are and how dissatisfied with her you are, you could try asking her if her needs are being met. If there's something she wants but isn't getting, offer to do it in exchange for her doing something for you next time. Sex should be mutually satisfying.