anonymouse dear,
I do think you've hit the thumb on the nail here. The creator/writer isn't the one who knows if it works. The readers are the ones who make that call. That means the story will 'work' for some and not for others. Judging from the feedback you've gotten so far Rhabbi my best guess would be your story "WORKED!!"
Now that might not be enough for you. In this case it needs to work for Ruby too, but she seems to be beaming; so quick Rhabbi, collect your brass ring and await the next challenge. Being not quite content or totally confident is part of the creative process. It might help explain why all those writers are always griping about reviews or the lack thereof.
Mad lews